Wooing My Flock

Moving Forward

2011-10-11T10:51:00.000-05:00

For the past 2 years Laura Story and her music has ministered to my heart like none other. I love her songs. Make Something Beautiful is my favorite song. The second verse reads:

When I'm tired of pretending, and I can't recall my lines,
Do I say, I'm barely breathing, or just say, I'm doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what You're doing with my life

It is hard for me to put into words how I am doing. I feel like it is hard for people to understand this many moves in 7 years and the toll it has taken on mine and John's life. There are SOOO many blessings that have come from the last 7 years and most of the time I wouldn't trade it for anything. It has been our story and it has refined us in so many beautiful ways. But the last few moves have been much harder and recovery is harder and longer. But I am thankful to say that we are moving forward. When we moved to Seattle, John and I had this conversation about how we were doing after the very stressful last 2 months of 2010 and he said "it is ok if we are not good, we just have to keep moving forward." I think this is the theme of this year for our family. I have fought depression this year but unlike 09 and early 10 it has not gotten the best of me - PRaise GOD!! We are just choosing to move forward and asking God to meet us right were we are. And He has.
We are close to being settled in here and I don't function well with an unsettled home. So I am seeing the light around the corner :). And the highlight of this week is my sweet friend Erin, who has lost 80lbs this year, has started Couch to 5K with me. She has already been running but she gets it and she is willing to come along side me and walk this journey with me. It is a wonderful blessing from God. I can hardly move I am so sore but I have completed both of the runs the last 2 days and that is a huge feat for me.
We LOVE having John at home and the boys love love love their 1.5 acres of roaming grounds. The Cook's are moving forward - one.step.at.a.time.

In Case You're Wondering....

2011-08-09T22:54:00.000-05:00

We are alive. Lots has happened in the Cook house in the last 2 months. It has been a heart-wrenching time in my life that I am still not ready to talk about in detail. But I wanted to share some news with those of you who do care. We are moving back to Reform, Alabama. Those that have followed me for some time remember that we were living in that area when John unexpectedly lost his job in the spring of '09 and we moved to New York. We are headed back the end of this month. I will share more in time but for now this is our update.
Also, Brady will be having surgery on Thursday. It is a tonsillectomy but they have "prepared" us that he is a slightly high risk for pulmonary edema because of a few issues. A friend of mine's mom was out here this week. She is a surgical nurse and she said that pulmonary edema is rare and said he will probably be fine but they have to tell us that. So please pray for little man that his surgery would go off without a hitch and there would be no complications afterwards.
Thanks friends

Moving Again ....

2011-04-26T14:47:00.000-05:00

...but just across the Lake. Only one other time in all of our moves have we moved less than 10 miles from our previous home. This move will require trips in the mini van across Lake Washington. We are moving to the CITY!!!! Lots has happened in the Cook's life since January. The move is this weekend and we are actually so excited to see what God does in our lives over the next 3-5 years. Yes, you heard me right. It is our prayer that God continues to provide John with work and that He would allow our family to stay in the same home for at least 3-5 years. We are joining a core team to plant a church in the "urban sprawl" of Seattle. Did you know there are more Christians in communist China than there are in Seattle? We are excited about the work and have surprisingly fallen in love with our city. I can't wait to fill you in on more in the coming weeks.

This Proud and Sad Momma...

2011-03-21T20:10:00.000-05:00

Jake has taken up running with John. Currently they are running about 1/2 mile 3-4 days a week. He ran his first race last weekend - we were so proud of him.

Over the last few months, Jake has been complaining of his neck hurting. It has gotten worse so last Thursday we let B's ortho doctor check him out. After exam and xrays and a little education on his occular albinism and nystagmus he recommended PT to see if we could help his muscles.

Today we had our first visist. The PT ask Jake lots of questions and one was how often it hurt him during the day. His answer was it hurts mostly all the time except when I am lying down. :(
Then as we talked with the PT, I was answering questions and Jake overheard me tell the PT that his vision was 20/200 and that he was basically legally blind (we were talking in regards to distance from TV & Computer screen). After we left Jake said momma I heard you tell that man I am legally blind. So John explained what that means. Momma had to excuse herself and shed a few tears. Now that Jake is going strong in school we are seeing more difficulties regarding his vision. The PT said we would work on this but that he didn't know how much it would help because we are working against an underlying condition.

It just makes me sad today - that I watch my little one struggle and hurt. Please pray with us that the PT helps - from research it seems that this could be life long for him.

Doing Well

2011-03-15T16:09:00.000-05:00

I really do want to pick this back up. It will happen soon I hope. But for now I am learning how to get my big rocks in daily. This is a big priority for me and John this year. So while I love this blog it is not a big rock in my life and so I haven't made it fit regularly. Right now we are working on the following:
1. Daily Time in the Word
2. Daily Exercise - doing well with the weekdays - not so much weekends yet because we don't do schedules on the weekend. But I am pleased with how it is coming.
3. Consistent school - I am LOVE LOVE LOVING school with my boys. It is amazing to me how they are such sponges. And Jake is to the age where we really have conversations during the day and I watch him grasping truths and making them his own. It delights my heart so much.
4. Consistent home routine - this is not rigid but we are working to be diligent to do the work needed for the day so that we don't fall behind and struggle in other areas. I am learning that all but 1 of our family members really needs peace and order to our home - and to have peace and order and little chaos requires daily work.
5. Healthy eating. My understanding of the foods we eat has grown a lot in the past year. We are slowly eliminating processed foods from our life and replacing them with whole, clean foods in their original form. This makes for a bit more work in the kitchen but it is becoming a hobby (which John says I need) and I am enjoying learning and trying new things. I find great delight in providing healthy meals and snacks for my family.
6. Quality time as a family - this is the one we are trying to still work out the kinks with. John going back to work out of the home is hard for us. So we are working hard to figure out the best ways for all of us to fill our tanks with each other. We are hoping that date nights will happen soon as well.

So these things are filling my day. We spend lots of time at home which my boys love. I have seen their imaginations soar greatly over the last couple months. Their friendships are strengthing and my understanding of what each of them needs from us is becoming more clearer - which helps us parent a little better. Our family is in a good place right now. Better than I think we have been in YEARS. We are still looking for community but the four walls of our home are such a delight to me these days. For that I am grateful.

7 year old Insight

2011-02-21T17:36:00.000-06:00

Jake is such a cool and unique kid. I love the way his mind works. He puts an amazing amount of thought into things. John and I can say something to him and a day or so later he will come back with some thoughts or comments....he has been thinking.
Last night at dinner we were talking about how fast his fingernails grow. Way faster than Brady's. So we passively talked about this for a minute and on to the next topic. About 10 min later he said "Daddy don't laugh at what I am about to say: but I think my fingernails grow so fast because I pick my nose."

Well I will admit John and I busted out laughing - it just took us so off guard. I could not stop laughing. Jake got really sad for a minute until we explained that we weren't laughing AT him but that what he said was just - well funny.

This and That

2011-02-20T00:08:00.000-06:00

Right now I have been exiled to my room while the boys and Nana prepare for my birthday in the morning. I love that our kids love and expect our traditions. It is neat that it has become a part of who we are as the Cook family.

We are really getting into a good rhythm with homeschool the last 2 weeks. Honestly, it has been on and off a lot this year. Last fall had lots of travel and the packing of the house and holidays here and there and then the move. Jake is really gaining ground on his reading but we are starting to hit some bumps in the road. This week I have really struggled with the reality of Jake having ocular albinism/nystagmus. Up until now these have not affected our daily life. It is very hard for me to know how much to push him. I have shed a few tears this week. On one hand, I know that he struggles and we need to help him the best we can but on the other hand I do not want to disable him unnecessarily. If you think of us will you please pray for God to give me and John wisdom and insight in to how to best help Jake deal with this disability. He does not really know he has a disability and John thinks it is time for us to talk with him so that he can help us to know how to help him. It makes me a little sad to have that conversation because I feel like it will take away a little of his innocence about life. But only he can tell us what and how well he sees, when his eyes feel tired and such. We think that if we give him words and understanding to some of his frustrations it might help us all.

I am doing well - other than lifting I feel normal. B has not slowed down a bit. Rather than running full force he has mastered the art of scooting. The itching has started :(. Nana leaves tomorrow and we are very sad. Hopefully we will survive the next few weeks. We shall see :)

Life as We Know It...

2011-02-15T19:18:00.000-06:00

Life for us slowly returning to normal minus the addition of the GREEN MONSTER. That would be B's cast. But let me tell you that thing has not slowed him down a bit. He can scoot with the best of them. John's mom is here for which I am so thankful. She has been a huge help. I feel back to normal. We have gotten a good morning rhythm down that I am enjoying complete with homeschooling and some snuggling on the couch reading My Father's Dragon series which I HIGHLY recommend. It is quite delightful. Not a day passes that they don't ask for one more chapter.

A friend of friends who lives across the water in Seattle loaned us her jogging stroller. This weekend we had wonderful rain free weather and so we explored our little city of Kirkland. It has a quaint little downtown area with all kinds of fun stores and a nice coffee shop. This was refreshing for me. Mainly because since my surgery and B's broken leg I haven't been liking being here. It really had nothing to do with here just the fact of being without people - community. And Saturday reminded me that I do enjoy this city and being here - I just need the people to come. Soon I pray.

I am a bit nervous about Nana leaving this weekend. I feel more confident now that I can handle B after she leaves (at least in the house). But I just know that we will spend our days in the house because I can't carry him up the flight of stairs required for us to leave said house. I am a homebody but I like it to be by choice. And honestly I have just felt overwhelmingly lonely at times the last few weeks. With my mom and Nana here I have people.

But this too will pass. With every day we are re-gaining our footing both physically and emotionally. I believe God when He promised to never leave me so I am choosing . fighting to trust that He will meet my needs.

Quick Update

2011-02-08T22:41:00.000-06:00

Today both me and B had follow up visits. Mine went great. Healing well and moving forward. B's not so much. The bones were 16 degrees off what they should be - the set in the ER was not enough. So they recast him (bright green) and cut a slit in the cast and put a wedge in it. They told us it would be very painful and well it was. B has a super high pain tolerance and that baby wailed. Momma is still distressed over watching him. They told us if the wedge didn't close the gap to under 6 degrees we would have to do surgery. It worked!!! - 1 degree off now!!! Now with the wedge there is a danger for abscess on the skin because the cast is not pushing on his leg. So pray with us this does not happen.

My mom is leaving in the morning and John's mom will be joining us late Thurs night. So John is working from home the next few days.

Update on Brady

2011-02-05T21:07:00.000-06:00

If you have facebook you know that yesterday was Jake's 7th Birthday. We took the boys to Red Robin and this place . It looked awesome and we knew the boys would love it. Less than 30 seconds on the trampoline and Brady broke his tibula and fibula. It was a freak thing and it sent us back the the ER we visited last week for me. Same ER room to be exact. The on-call ortho said he would have to have surgery to have it set and so they transported us via ambulance to Children's. After 12 hours in ER he ended up only needed sedation to have it set rather than surgery for which we are thankful. As you can see he is in a thigh high cast and can not bear weight for 3 weeks.
Problem is that I can lift weight for 5 more weeks and John works away from home right now and my mom is leaving this week. We are hoping Nana will come back out here and help for a while. Not sure how we are going to survive with 1. Brady having to be still and 2. Me not being able to lift him during the days.
So please pray for our family. I had a very sad afternoon. Just feeling isolated and did a lot of asking God what He was doing and why this was necessary. John is REALLY tired from the last week and while he serves us without complaining I can see it - he is running on E.
Will update more soon
Thanks friends.

So Thankful for the Pain!!

2011-01-29T08:32:00.000-06:00

Most of you know that over the last year I have had a few ER visits with chest pain. I have had an endoscopy and some homeopathic tests and all have come back saying my body was great and that it must be anxiety.

On Wednesday, I woke up and my chest once again starting tightening up. I called John to give him a heads up but I was scheduled to meet with a trainer at the gym that morning so I wanted to push through - I mean it was suppose to be anxiety. So I took the boys to the child care area and went to sit down for a minute - the pain was getting worse. And then a wash of awful awful pain came over me and I began throwing up. So after a few minutes I called John to leave work and come get us. He brought me straight to the ER and as usual they began a cardiac workup - and nothing. But this time the ER doc said he want to poke around and see where the pain was worst. I had told him we had been through this several times the last year to no avail. So when he poked around my gallbladder I begin to cry hard - awful pain. So he sent me for an ultrasound and xrays and confirmed I had gallstones and in his words "a very very sick gallbladder, and it needed to come out today." So they prepped me for surgery and that night I had it removed.

The Surgeon came in to talk about the risk and one worse case scenario was that one of the stones had escaped my gall bladder and was causing blockage in my common bile duct. He said this could be lethal if not caught quickly. He said if that were so he would have to get a GI doc to come in a remove it because he couldn't. So the worst case scenario did happen but they could not get a GI doc in the first surgery so they had to keep me in the hospital and put me back under the next day - Thursday to take care of the blockage.

I had hoped that I would go home last night but we had a hard time getting my pain managed off of the pain pump so it is looking like this morning. My mom flew out here as soon as she heard and she will be here to help me through the recovery. John has to fly to Atlanta Sunday through Tuesday as long as I am doing well he NEEDS to make this trip. So please pray for easy recovery and for us to all be ok while John is away. Thanks again for your prayers.

I can not tell you how relieved I am that after a year of these pains I finally know it was not just anxiety or in my head. This pain and un-comfort I feel now is so worth it knowing I won't have to have another episode of worse than labor pain :)

Food For the Weary Soul

2011-01-19T12:55:00.000-06:00

I want to post about us - it will come soon. But right now I am in the trenches of arranging, organizing, settling in, creating routines for the flow of our day, getting library cards, gym memberships, finding a community group and women to be my friend. I am busy in a very good kind of way.

Yesterday I was sad for many trivial reasons. If you have ever moved I am sure you have felt those feelings. The moments when you wish you could see a friend face to face or your kids could run across the street when there very best friend gets home from school. I went to bed last night with a heavy heart and this morning I was reminded gently by a sweet woman (whom God has used of late to feed my weary soul) that I have a very dear friend with me ALWAYS. He wants to commune with me often and “It’s my own inflated sense of self-importance, the elevation of my work, of my agenda, that keeps me from prayer-communion.

This post is written so humbly and beautful and it makes me long to be with my father and to put my agenda aside and share my heavy heart with my friend. I hope it encourages you in your day as well.

The Best Day of My Life...

2011-01-08T19:39:00.002-06:00

Those were Jake's words as he walked home from the park this afternoon. It amazes me how the simple things really delight a child's heart.

We decided to head out to Pike Place Market. When we got out of the car we all smelled amazing bread. So we followed our nose to Le Panier. We ordered several pastries and tried them all. It was so fun to watch the boys savor food and to use words like AMAZING, delightful and scrumptious. But all of these words wonderfully described these pastries.

Next we made our way through the market and it was delightful. All of the beautiful flowers, homemade foods, pastas, fresh fish and all the produce a girl could ever need. We went into Sosio's Fruit and Produce and meet our new produce man - Mr. Mike. The kids fell in love with Mr. Mike (John and I kinda did as well). He took the time - and man they were busy - to chat with us. He gave us samples of some of his dried fruits and he introduced us to this:

Broccoli Romanesco

He gave us some ideas on how to cook it. Chef John will be handling that tomorrow night. I will keep you posted. Oh and he gave us one of their cloth bags as a welcome to Seattle gift.

Next we stopped in Beecher's Handmade Cheese. The boys got to watch them making cheese. It was here that they decided their new careers of choice....Cheese makers. Brady wants to be the man with shovel and Jake wants to be the grinder. Homemade cheese at my beckon call - I could live with that :)

Then they got to sample some of the cheeses. I recall the word AMAZING being thrown around a bit. We even brought some home with us. But first they had to give us a sample of their mac and cheese. OH MY!!!! Jake requested this to be his birthday meal this year. It was SOOO good!!!

We we got in the car to leave Jake said Mama this was the best family day we have ever had. Can we do this every Saturday? Why yes son we can :)

After we got home I needed to go to the store to fill our empty pantry so John walked the boys down the street to play here:

What a beautiful place to play!!! And then they walked back and stopped at Starbucks for hot chocolate and to enjoy this sunset (just across the street from our new home):

At which point Jake told his daddy that THIS was the best day of his life.

Grace Flows Down

2011-01-07T14:01:00.000-06:00

John is a music man and so are my boys. I enjoy it but I also enjoy silence. I don't mind (in fact I mostly prefer) driving in the car in silence. John often gets frustrated with me because I have a hand full of songs that I could listen to day in and day out. The ones that really minister to my heart are my ones of choice. And usually when I choose to turn on music it is for this purpose - to worship and fill up my dry soul.

The song Grace Flows Down has been my song of choice this week. This has been a challenging week. It really has nothing to do with Seattle but just with transition and the previous 6 weeks. The kids have had zero routine through this process and we have been here there and everywhere. And John and I both expected this week. We know from experience that these first few weeks are trying but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier.

We aren't trying to get into routine this week - we are just adjusting to time change (been pretty hard), sleeping in a new place and feeling safe in our beds, getting a home set up, adjusting to dad being gone after working from home but specifically having him with us and at our dispense for the last 6 weeks. Just those things this week :). I have also learned not to jump in head first because in the past it has caused much frustration on my part. So we are easing into life.
But right now I have 2 boys who have had lots of freedom the last month and are in need of gently and graciously being reeled back in. If you know me well gentle and gracious are not words I would normally use to describe myself - especially as a parent.

Here is where my song comes in...I have ask God this week to teach me to be gracious to my children. And the amazing thing that He is doing is often reminding me of His graciousness toward me. He is filling my tired and weary self up with reminders of His goodness, gentleness and graciousness in my life. I am thankful that God is about bringing it all back to Him. I can't conjure of the traits toward my children but as God is filling my tanks with who He is to me and in my life it is overflowing into my kids lives. The way it is suppose to be - right?

So life right now is exactly what I expected it to be but as usual God is SOOOO much more than I could ever ask or imagine. His grace flows down and it covers me!!!
Have a good weekend friends.

We are HERE!!!

2011-01-03T11:34:00.000-06:00

After 2 LONG months we are here. We are about to start the next chapter in His Story of our life. Last night, as the plane descended on the city lit up in all it's glory, I prayed. I ask the Lord to meet us here, to bless this time and to make us fruitful here in this place. And I have hope that He will. He always has. Sometimes, many times, it was not on my time line or agenda...but He has ALWAYS met us where we are. And because He has personally been faithful to me I have no doubt that He won't continue to be faithful. So this morning as I sit in a hotel room waiting I am full of expectation and HOPE.
More to come soon - we are headed to swim off some energy while we wait for John to return from work to get us and take us to our new apt.

Hurry Up and Wait

2010-12-16T21:41:00.000-06:00

My speed seems to be way ahead of God's perfect timing these days. And because of that we have faced many disappointments along this way. For example, when we got word about the first potential job I emailed my friend Jessie to give me the rundown of what I would need to survive NYC in the winter. And I started looking for apts and YMCA's and churches and NOTHING. And then Rochester, NY came on the table and here I went again - hurrying up just to WAIT. And then Atlanta, Saudi Arabia, Harrisburg Pennsylvania and Bristol Connecticut. So you can imagine how my mind went to living in these places and then we had to wait - either because we passed up the opportunity or things were moving slow because of the holidays. Either way I would hurry up and plan only to find myself waiting. It was quite disappointing.
Today, I experienced the same thing. We have spent all week looking for apartments there. We were told to look and let them know what we found. Well we did just that and found what we think is the perfect place in the perfect location. But it seems that it all has to happen before noon tomorrow. It seems impossible because big corporations do very little by noon the next day. Though it could still happen, I succumb to yet another disappointment of hurrying up to wait. But tonight in my disappointment God spoke to my heart:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your OWN understanding, in all ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight."
I don't want to hold so tightly to my ideals of what is best for my family that I miss God and his straight path. He has orchestrated this in his time and why do I not trust him to carry it out to completion - even the small details?
Whatever you are doing Lord, help me slow down and wait!!!

Cook's Current Events

2010-12-16T09:10:00.000-06:00

Life has taken an unexpected turn for the Cook's the last month. I believe the last post I wrote was putting this blog to rest for a season so I could focus on the people in my life. We were finally building relationships in Bham and starting to experience the community that we desperately long for. It was becoming home. But God has different plans for us. In November, we found out that the company he was contracting for did not have another contract to place him on. So with a one week notice we were jobless. So we started planning - our plan was to move back to Denver. There is a large flash/flex community (the programming languages John works with) in Denver and we were sure there would be a spot open for him. But again, this was not God's plan for us. After a few weeks, he did not have a single interview for a job in Denver. So again we had to ask "God what are you doing?"

Options were coming to the table in places like Manhattan, Rochester New York and Saudi Arabia. Then he had a really cool interview with ESPN but well they wanted to pay him pennies for his work. So he turned down several opportunities and we waited. We did this asking God for some specific request regarding his job but I will confess it was scary to tell potential jobs that we weren't interested. But with a knot in our guts we waited. And then it happened - from start to finish within 24 hours. A GREAT job with a GREAT company. The only catch is well in the words of my friend "it is about as far away from Birmingham as you can get without going to Saudi Arabia" We are headed to Seattle for at least the year of 2011.

This company does about 90% of their jobs remote (working from home) which is opposite of his previous company - thus his traveling about 50% 2010. However, this particular contract is slated to last the entire year and required John to travel 3 weeks out of a month. We decided that it was not worth our family being together for only 16 weeks this year. So the company is providing us with a furnished apartment rather than paying for John to travel for 3 weeks a month. So Seattle - here we come.

Stay tuned for more as we start this journey in the Pacific Northwest :)

Putting it to Rest

2010-10-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

I am putting my blog to rest. I hope to revive it again someday because writing is good for me. But the truth is my capacity is limited right now and there are actually real live people in my life. We are actually beginning to taste the fruits of community both with our faith family and with our neighbors who we hope to one day join us in our faith family. I am not sure John and I have been here since we left staff almost 8 years ago. We have had relationships sprinkled throughout but not community.
I am really focusing on some healing in my life - physically, emotionally and spiritually that is requiring a lot of my time during my days. I have 2 hearts at home that need mama to shepard them and love them with my time. I have an amazing husband who is absent alot in this season which leaves me to go it alone. I have for the first time in many years a desire to put forth effort to put down roots. We believe we are here and we NEED to be here. So here we are and I need and want to learn how to live my life not in survival mode. This blog steals my thoughts more than it should so for now I am trading it in for the real live people in my space. Thanks to those of you who have encouraged me through these last few years of struggle and learning.

Roll Tide

2010-10-19T13:38:00.000-05:00

Alabama Homecoming has become a Cook Family Tradition. I use to dread it because you have to get up sooo early and drag little ones along that don't really appreciate it. But this year the kids had a blast. I admit I still dreaded it because I am a homebody these days. But once we got there it was really fun. Our neighbors joined us this year and made it even more fun.

This is how all three of the boys looked at the end of the day. It took 4 washcloths to get JUST brady clean. They had a blast and it was sooo worth the clean up.

An Ideal Day

2010-10-12T08:57:00.000-05:00

As I begin to make stride in re-engaging my life after my depression I am constantly finding myself on my face. I don't mind it too much because one of the many things I have learned this year with strong conviction is that when I am weak my God is strong. I am different in many ways. But yet I find myself still battling that same dreadful old self - hence the falling on my face.

Yesterday, I had one of those moments on my face asking God to order my days. I wanted ideal days - I know you know what I mean - those days that everything goes as planned. The days that you check things off your to do list but you also love your kids really well. Those days that it comes easy to not have to chose people over task but that they somehow get done in unison.

And then this idea came to my mind:

"Most of us find it very difficult to want “Heaven” at all – except in so far as “Heaven” means meeting again our friends who have died. One reason for this difficulty is that we have not been trained: our whole education tends to fix our minds on this world. Another reason is that when the real want for Heaven is present in us, we do not recognize it. Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise.” ~ C.S. Lewis

My perfect IDEAL day are precious gems from God. But yesterday God helped me to recognize that they are glimpses of Heaven and can't be so every day in this fallen world no matter how many success strategies, effective planning and implementing of systems I use.

So I guess now the prayer is "Lord teach this fallen daughter to live well in this fallen world."

To Encourage You...

2010-10-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

Take 2 minutes, read and be encouraged :)

http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2010/10/let-your-work-be-your-worship.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PassionateHomemaking+%28Passionate+Homemaking%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

Change in the Making

2010-10-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

The Good Kind of Busy

2010-09-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

I feel like God has brought me to a sweet place. Yes I am still dealing with health issues. But I am hopeful. I have completely weened myself off of my depression meds and I feel good in that department. My days are slowly becoming more intentional again, being filled with sheparding little hearts, loving on my neighbor, and building a couple good friendships (and reconnected with an old one). After a year of darkness I feel life being breathed back into my weary soul and it is a good place to be. So as you have noticed my postings are scarce these days. I am busy again living life and loving people. I will be back once I relearn how to do all these things and keep house. I am glad I am busy again but it is the good kind of busy.

Conviction to the Core

2010-08-31T08:53:00.000-05:00

This summer I took a break from gadgets for the most part. It was good and I was engaged with my kids more. But since summer has ended I have rejoined facebook, added back many blogs to google reader and starting blogging again myself. And in the last few days I have felt myself being sucked back in. Well this morning I read this amazing perspective and once again I am convicted to the core. So once again I am back to the drawing board. I want to come before God and really give my priorities and desires to Him to sift and sort. What is my purpose in this life and how are these things helping me bring glory to Him? And if they don't help are they hurting other areas of my life because I lack discipline in enjoying these things? Love God and Love People. This is what He called us to do. So for now it is up in the air - what is a girl to do?

Homeschool - year 1

2010-08-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

We have started our first year of homeschool and are enjoying it a lot. Brady will be going to preschool this year so I think it will go more smoothly once we are doing school while he is at school. We are using the Charlotte Mason philosophy. Once I begin researching types of homeschooling her thoughts and ideas fit well with what I want for my boys. So for any of you interested here is what we are doing this year:
Calendar - I have printed out a blank monthly calendar that is a 2 page spread. Every day when we start school Jake fills in the date and we review Day, Month, Date and year. Then he goes back to the previous day and colors a picture of something he did that day. So it is kinda like a journal too. He likes doing this and it will be fun for mama to have for years to come.
Math - math - u - see
Science - 106 Days of Creation
- this is an overview of the creation story - which is an overview of the things science studies. It is broken down by days and we are reading living books and doing experiments. This might be Jake's favorite subject.
Nature Study - the 106 days of creation has some nature studies with it and we are also working through nature studies from this blog using the Handbook of Nature Study. This will carry us for years to come.
Literature - we are snuggling on the couch and reading through some classics. This might be my favorite subject. Right now we are reading Charlotte's web followed by Stuart Little, Trumpet of the Swan, Stories of the Pilgrims, Jotham's Journey, Mr. Popper's Penguins, Complete Tales of Winnie the pooh, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and Peter Pan. The Simply Charlotte Mason website I use as my primary resource has a GREAT book finder full of living books for every subject.
Personal Development - we are reading through A child's book of character building.
Beginning Reading - we are using the books from Pathway Readers. I am also working through CM's methods of learning to read.
Handwriting - we do copy work to practice handwriting. this will also help with grammar in the years to come. So he copies his memory verses, the definition of the character trait we are studying, the catechisms he is learning, and soon he will begin writing letters back and forth to his grandmothers.
History - Genesis through Deuteronomy and Ancient Egypt.
- we read through these books of the bible and supplement with living books. For Geography we are studying Ancient Egypt and the continent of Africa.
Memory Work - Jake is memorizing 2 verses a week, 2 catechisms a week, and the definition of the character trait we are working on and a verse that goes with it every 3 weeks. I am using this method of scripture memory that is simple and very organized.
Life Skills/Manners/Safety - For this area I just want to be intentional about training my children in life skills. Often we get busy and just don't think about doing this so I have incorporated this into school. We talk about manners and safety on various days at lunch. Life skills I pick one a week and we work on that one thing for the week whenever I am doing it - like emptying the dishwasher. What Every Child Should know Along the Way is a great resource to help think through this.
Handiwork - Here are some of Charlotte's thoughts about handiwork. Here is what we will be working on through the year:
- Drawing with Children - I am enjoying this book - so is Jake. We are taking about 10 weeks to work through it.
- Baking - we will do this around Christmas to give as gifts
- Fingerprint art - Ed Emberely will help us with this
- Photography - here are some things I found for this: Online lessons, this challenge
Music Study, Artist Study, Hymn Study - these are also recommended and we will be adding these as we go this year if we get to it. It may wait for next year. I have a plan for it but I want to get the above things in routine first.

So there is our year. If you have any questions about this please ask. We are really excited.

What I have found so far....

2010-08-28T08:53:00.000-05:00

It has taken me literally 2 months of googling and emailing to no avail before I finally found a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) that is working (or at least responds to calls and emails). Have you heard of Grow Alabama? From them you can get a weekly bounty of fresh fruits and veggies, eggs, milk and other goodies. Though they are not offering it through their company right now they have resources to pass along for beef, pork and chicken. I am SOOO excited. And the veggies that are delievered that week come with recipe ideas. They offer 3 plans to meet your families needs and you have some flexibility in picking what you want each week.
So we are planning to join the end of September. John and I are getting away in 3 weeks for and ENTIRE week to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. So I see no need to start this until then. For now we are getting what we need at the store.
I am really excited to find this and if any of you Alabamians have any other info regarding CSA's and grass fed, free range meats please let me know.

Whole Foods

2010-08-27T18:24:00.001-05:00

I am not referring to the store (though it is really cool) but the concept. All summer I have spent my free time researching the effects processed foods have on our body. My gluten issues mentioned in the previous post are a byproduct of my research. It is astounding!!! God did not design our bodies to eat like we eat - refined and processed for the sake of conveniences were not His intentions when he created every type of seed bearing plant and tree and gave it to man. More and more I am convinced that not only my weight is affected by the things I eat but also my health. That statement may sound stupid but for a very long time I thought if I just lose the weight then I will be healthy. But now I am convinced the process by which I lose the weight is JUST as important as the weight loss. Low fat - sugar free foods are all genetically modified and I think they are harming my families bodies. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about what she had learned that red dye #40 can do to a child - look it up. So because I feel like my body is falling apart at too young an age I have decided that a quick fix won't work. So we are trying to switch to eating whole foods - fruits, vegetables, grass fed animals and such. John and I decided to wait till summer was over for the most part because this would be hard to do on the road. So here starts my journey to better eating. We shall see - I will keep you posted.

My Health

2010-08-26T13:26:00.001-05:00

If you have been reading for any time you know I have had several health issues the last couple of years. This past year has been the worst for me. I mean the few months of consistent hives a few years back runs a close second but this year has been hives and much more. Most of you who haven't seen me in the last 6 months would be surprised at how I no longer have that nice natural year long tan that my daddy so wonderfully passed on to me. In fact I am borderline albino. Maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but I must say I have gone from one extreme to another. Since I was 3 years old I have had vitaligo - or the Micheal Jackson disease. Until this last year I was in spots on my body. Of late many studies have shown links to vitaligo and Hashimoto's (thyroid disorder I have) - and both are autoimmune disorders. So basically my body is attacking itself and turning white - literally - in the process. Stress can make this worse and this has been a very stressful year for our family but I am convinced there is more going on. I have been doing my own research on the matter and I have a suspect of a potential culprit - gluten. In the last 2 weeks I have read I can't tell you how many articles and post about gluten intolerance - vitaligo - thyroid issues all combined. And it seems that the best way to test for this "intolerance" is to remove it from your diet for a month or so. So in hopes of slowing down the "whitening process" going on with my body I am giving this a shot. So if any of you want to chime in on your gluten issues please feel free. I will keep you posted.

What we are up to...

2010-08-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

Right now I am sitting pool side at a VERY nice RV park in Tampa. The boys are swimming and John is working right beside me. We are with my parents. They have officially retired and we are in their very big and very nice RV. Of course now that they are traveling more we are here to look at a much bigger and nicer RV. John and I even got the fever and looked a bit yesterday.

This is the one I want. Check it out here if you are curious :) Yes I realize it is a lot of money and it is for later in life. But it was fun to look. Who knows - with John's freedom and me homeschooling it would be a great life experience to see the US. A pipe dream for another time. But for now we are enjoying time with the grandparents - swimming alot, playing lots of board and card games, and a little school mixed in. Summer hasn't quite ended for us but I look forward to a routine soon. Hope you all are doing well.

Summer Recap - John's Birthday Beach Trip

2010-08-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

Every year for John's Birthday we spend some time at his mom's at the beach. This year the Colorado cousins were here for some more play time. This year he celebrated the big 32...

This is a picture of the salt shaker coming out of the plane at Martgueritaville in PCB. We make a trek down there every year to eat on John's bday. It is such a fun place to eat. We also go play putt putt golf. I didn't get pictures of the putt putt because we were exhausted after our surprise adventure.

A PIRATE CRUISE!!!!

This was so fun for the kiddos. They got to have water gun fights, face painted, they swabbed the deck, played limbo, shot a cannon and pulled up a treasure from the ocean floor. It was a blast.

Summer Recap - Dance Parties and Body Art

2010-08-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

The kids have 2 new favorite pass times these days. One is having DANCE PARTIES. I had a video but it wouldn't upload. They loving dancing and John has introduced them to some interesting songs to dance to. On to the next pass time.....

These next pictures were there dad's allowing. But after seeing how much fun they had I enjoyed watching them get creative.

Who needs to buy a jet pack when your big brother can draw you your very own.

Summer Recap - Our Time in Denver

2010-08-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

The cousins were so excited to see each other. They spent their days playing really hard and enjoying each other. We found Brady sleeping like this one night - he is propped on his hand.

Once we got there John and I got to work. We built Eric and Daniel a castle room. They wanted to be knights. And we did just that. See what you think:

This is Eric's hideaway on the side of the beds

John's mom always tells them a story and she has named each one of them. This is Eric's name in the story. Those are really cool foam sword that John built hangers for.

This has the Eph. 6 verses on it. I was pretty proud of how this turned out. It was for sure a labor of love:)

And sir Daniel the Brave.

The table I painted for there Playmobile castle.

And then on to Anna's Room. I loved the way her room turned out. I had it all envisioned in my head but wasn't sure how it would look. The top bunk is a reading nook. I used toule to decorate the bed, windows and closet.

I really enjoyed doing these rooms for these sweet kiddos. It was a fun way to spend the month.

Summer Recap - Drive to Colorado

2010-08-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

We spent the month of June visiting John's sister and her kiddos in Colorado. Her husband is serving in Afghanistan for a year and we went out to keep them company and to do a little decorating - more on that later. But our trip out there was great family time for us. Here are some shots:

B cooling off at the splash pad in Shreveport

Jake climbing a tree in Wichita Falls, TX.

John and B going on a run to stretch their legs. B loves running with his dad

beautiful falls

we stopped in Trinidad, Co and there was a festival and the boys spent all their tickets diving off this thing.

This was such a refreshing time for us as a family. We took our time getting out there and we spent time enjoying each other. It was good for my soul. Theirs too I think.

Decisions

2010-05-06T19:20:00.000-05:00

As I have been "getting back on my feet" I am re-accessing my priorities. My time spent connected is one of my major assessments. I really didn't have a problem with it when I was sick on the couch either myself or with a little one. It passed the time and I was ok with that. But it really is easy to get sucked in. So I am pretty sure I will keep this blog even though it has been very sporadic during this season of my life. But writing is good for me. I enjoy it. But for the summer I am taking a break from blogging, facebook and the reading of blogs. I just need some time to disconnect with the computer so that I can reconnect with my family in meaningful ways. So those of you that have - thanks for checking in and I will be back in a couple months. Have a great summer!!!!

Update

2010-05-02T08:31:00.000-05:00

We are doing well around here. As most of you probably know by now JK's house burned a couple weeks ago and he is now living with us. It is a good and healthy situation for both him and us so we are thankful we could help him. Yesterday, they had a work day at the house cleaning it up and so several days this week I have spent at the property helping him and his brother organize and prepare a place for the things they could salvage from the house. So it has been a busy week around here. I have enjoyed it but must confess after spending SO much time the last few months sick and couch ridden I don't seem to have tons of energy. But hey, we are healthy and moving so PRAISE GOD.
We have a few items of huge praise:
1. Jake's hearing test this week was perfect. He has regained all of his hearing and will not need tubes at least for this season. Thanks for your prayers.
2. John just finished up a project and he is being moved to a project that will require very little travel. we aren't sure yet on how much but 1 week a month at the most but maybe less. And this travel will be to Denver which is fun for our family. John's sister lives there and right now her husband is deployed to Afghanistan. So John will be able to go stay with her the weeks he travels. He has this coming week off and then he and Brady will be headed to Denver for a week or so. Jake and I will stay here since he has school. Brady is soooo excited. Jake got to make this trip with Nana by himself when he was Brady's age so Brady is feeling like a big kid to get to go without Jake.

We have also made a decision about school for the boys next year. Brady will go to K4 preschool 5 days a week for 4 hours and I am going to home school Jake. Everyone is very excited. I am really enjoying my little man who has his own thoughts and ideas about life. I love beginning to hash these out with him and can't wait to spend more time with him.

So for now that is our life. Thanks to all you who have checked in lately. Hopefully I will be able to write more.

Read Her Blog

2010-04-03T20:00:00.000-05:00

I love this woman. I have told a few of you about her but for those of you that haven't - she is a must read. She is real and honest and well I am a big fan of her. Check her out....

Please Pray with Us....

2010-03-31T19:00:00.000-05:00

Today Jake went back for his follow up on his ear infections/hearing loss. He was suppose to go the week I fell but we had to reschedule that appt. I almost didn't take him today because I assumed he was doing fine. Well he isn't.... His ears are still full of fluid and non of his hearing has returned. We have just assumed he was ignoring us. And to be quite honest we just haven't thought much about it with all the other drama the last few weeks. So the doc put him on a steroid, nasal spray, antibiotic and a antihistamine to try to clear it up. He said if it is not clear in a month we will have to do surgery to put tubes back in his ears so they will drain. He has had the surgery before and did fine. The catch this time is our insurance won't cover it. The new insurance we have will not cover tubes, adenoids or tonsils for the first year and we are only 3 months into that first year. But if the doc can't get the ears to drain it will have to be done or he will sustain long term hearing loss. So please pray with us that his ears clear up completely in spite of pollen and allergy season and all the drainage that comes with that. I am very thankful for your faithful prayers for my family the last few months.

Yes It Happened!!!

2010-03-29T16:47:00.000-05:00

I had a GREAT week Mon-Thurs of last week!!! I felt good, got out of the house and got lots of stuff done around here. And then Thursday night happened.....

Brady fell at the bottom of the stairs and hit his head on the banister and gashed his head. It wasn't too bad - just tragic. He only needed one staple to close the gaping spot. So we are thankful. And then later that night........

When I got home and got Brady in bed I felt literally beat up. My chest starting hurting and I spent 10-12pm thinking I was dying. Labor pains did not hurt this bad. I have had about 4 of these "episodes" in the last 2 months. They are usually gone in 45 minutes tops. But these didn't stop they only got worse and were accompanied by nasuea (which always happens), chills, and shortness of breath (that haven't happened before). It was quite scary. So at midnight I called Kendall - our cousin at Samford to come stay with the kids and I went to the ER. Luckily, JK had been here taking care of Jake while we were at the ER. When I started having the chest pains he stuck around. So once again he came to the rescue while John was in NY. We are so thankful that he is our family away from family. This picture he took because he thought it was quite humerous how quickly my face changed with the morphine. I was in such intense pain I couldn't even write down my meds and address. And when they gave me the morphine within seconds I felt releif. He said my face was funny as it relaxed. Glad he found humor in it. So after a couple hours of blood work, xrays, EKG, and who knows what else they ruled out my heart and said it seemed quite healthy. The doctor seems to think it is a GI problem - maybe an ulcer. I am going to get it checked out as soon as I can get in with a GI doc. But I also worry that it is just one more way that my body may be absorbing stress. By the time I got home from the ER with Brady I was covered in hives. So we shall see. I will write more about this later.
I am doing fine now. Once they pass I am ok. I was frustrated that I spent money on the ER considering my fall cost us about 2500 out of pocket on top of all the other doc appts we have had lately. But it hurt THAT bad!!!!

Fearful

2010-03-16T12:20:00.000-05:00

I am feeling better this morning. John took all the laundry downstairs for me this morning. I started downstairs and I became very fearful. If you have ever been in a car wreck it is that feeling you get when you get back in the car/behind the wheel again for the first time. I was unsure of my footing, afraid of falling again. The whole time I was down there I was shakey. Oh well, this will pass. I am a 32 year old with good balance. This was a "freak" thing.
Hope you have a good day :)

Update

2010-03-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday, I tripped on a rug in our basement and fell face first into the bumper of our truck. Immediately, I knew I had broken at least one tooth. I had Jake run upstairs and get my phone and I proceeded to make several phone calls until I got in touch with a neighbor who came and got the boys. I called John and he called JK (close family friend) who came and got me. Once I got the bleeding stopped and the boys gone and I could calm down I decided I did not need to go to the ER. So I went to our sweet doctors office. He already knew what had happened. John had called him to see what to do. (thankfully he is a great friend of ours :)) He looked at me and gave me some pain meds and sent me on to a dentist. The first assessment from the dentist was 1 tooth is broken off about half way and 4 more are cracked or dislodged. But because of all the swelling he could not make a clear assessment.
So on Thursday, I went back to the dentist and on to an orthodontist and on to an oral surgeon that said my tooth had to come out the next morning. I had broken the tooth at the root and fractured my jawbone. And to top off our day John started having chills and fever while sitting in the waiting room. So our sweet doc met him at his office at 7pm and gave him 2 shots. My parents came to get the boys. I had surgery Friday morning to extract my top front tooth. This is not the broken tooth. So for a while I will be wearing a mouth brace with part of my front tooth in it. (This is until the site heals).
I have felt better today but tonight the actual hole is really hurting. It could just be that I haven't had pain meds all day and I actually feel more. So could you please pray that there will be no infection and that all will heal properly. Tonight is disheartening because today was a good day.
My dad brought the boys back Saturday afternoon and this is their spring break. Thankfully John is home but please pray for patients in the Cook house this week.

Surgery - Please Pray

2010-03-11T19:58:00.000-06:00

I am having surgery in the morning. I had an accident earlier this week involving my face and the front bumper of my truck. I am drugged right now and can't go into details. Please pray for the surgery to go well. John is sick - please pray the shots he got tonight will make him feel better. More details later.
Love you all

Wipeout

2010-03-08T15:31:00.000-06:00

Yet another week starts at the Cook house with sickness. This week began with a dreadful stomach virus. Yesterday within 3 hours me, Jake and John all got wiped out. Sadly, John was on a plane on the way to NY for the week. I called my sweet neighbor and her husband went to the store for us to stock up on 7up, gaterade and crackers. It lasted through the night but we are recovering today. I am weak and EXTREMELY sore. Brady went to school today so Jake and I have laid around all day.
Please pray for healing for our family. This is week 8 of sickness for this house.

Hope Misplaced

2010-02-24T09:16:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had an emotional meltdown. Sleep deprivation is not helping me to deal with my emotions and they just all errupted. I feel like I can not get my head above water. And yesterday I really felt like I was suffucating. Since moving here in September I have had moments of what I felt like was thriving. I would taste what life looked like thriving rather than surviving. But for the most part we are still surviving. The fall was marked by my depression and now we are plagued with sickness. And to top it off we are learning how to live with John traveling so much. So we really have no routines established in the house that work well all the time. I keep thinking that when the sickness passes it will get better. Last night I was sharing with a good friend that a part of me feels like this is an extension of my depression. God taught me so much during the worst of that battle and I have begged him to not let me return to some of my old ways. And I have just felt like Jake's sickness has kept me from "coming out" of my slump. But last night I couldn't really understand why.
But this morning God showed me. A very dear friend is staying with me right now. She and I are so very similar in personality and this morning we were talking about this. As I talked God showed me. My hope is misplaced. The reality is that I have put my hope in things settling down. When this happens (fill in the blank) life will settle down and we can thrive as a family. My hope was/is resting in my circumstance working itself out rather than God and His promised peace that surpasses all understanding.
I don't know what that looks like practically. How to rest in God while facing a sick child, sleep deprivation, a filthy home, John's quite too often absences, and the list could go on. Amy before my depression would try really hard to evoke systems and organization and square things away in order to find rest. Those are all gifts that God has given me to be used for His glory but my hope can't rest in them because I now know they are broken cisterns that don't hold water. So now I will ponder....any ideas?

Update and a Funny

2010-02-23T15:24:00.000-06:00

Jake seems much better today. He even told me he thought he could hear a little better. God is answering our prayers. I kept him home today to rest and honestly because I am just exhausted as well. I am not sleeping much right now.
I know many of you are truly praying for us right now and I am so thankful. Here are a couple for tonight/tomorrow:
1. that tomorrow (returning to school) would not be frustrating for Jake
2. That the other kids won't make fun of him
3. That both he and his teacher will have patience with each other
4. For sleep for me. It's funny how at times like this I feel my age. I use to spend multiple nights up late craming for test and one good nap and I was good to go. But not any more. Now I just can't seem to catch up and the physical exhaustion doesn't help my emotions. So just pray for sweet sleep for me tonight.
I am thankful for you and all your encouraging words.

Funny:
yesterday John told Jake that we were going to have to just get him a permanent room at Dr. Logan's office. Jake said I already have one daddy - it's room 4!!! Sad I know but funny.

Update on Jake

2010-02-22T15:07:00.000-06:00

This morning his doctor said his ears were infected and he sent him on to see the ENT for the hearing loss. So John graciously carried him. Here is the rundown:
-His hearing was severely diminished due large amounts of fluid on the ear. So they sucked out fluid from his ears (both ears are infected) and said that currently his hearing is equivalent to someone pushing their ears closed with their fingers and listening. so basically mumbling.
-His doctor this morning prescribed him an antibiotic and the ENT added another medicine as well. He said that he is fairly certain his hearing will return but it will be a slow process taking 2-3 weeks.
-He told John that we would just need to talk with his teacher about what to do about his school. He said that he didn't expect Jake to be able to hear much in the classroom unless they are talking directly to him. And to expect the next couple weeks to be very frustrating for Jake because he really can't hear.

So if you could pray please:
1. For complete healing of his ears with FULL hearing to return
2. Wisdom for me, John and his teacher on what to do in the mean time regarding school.
3. That God would make this recovery speedy - that it would be shorter than expected. He has already missed a lot of school
4. That God would comfort me through this process. That he would give me and John and Jake patience with each other.

Jake

2010-02-22T08:22:00.000-06:00

Please pray for Jake this morning. We are taking him back to the doctor yet again. When John had the boys on Saturday he begin to notice that Jake would not respond to him when he talked to him. And Jake started saying I can't hear you or what did you say. Well this has progressed over the weekend and we basically have to speak into his ear for him to hear us. He is really frustrated and I am really anxious/weary. It seems to be worse in the ear that has been infected this week. We are hoping it is a wax buildup.
Please pray the doctors can fix whatever it is and pray for Jake not to be frustrated. He just gets upset because he can't hear the tv or when he knows we are talking to him but he doesn't know what we are saying. Please pray for me to be patient and not consumed with the minors of life right now....like the fact that my house is a disaster and has been for the last 5 weeks because of sickness and single parenting. I really have come to a place in my life where I don't have much expectations for a clean house all the time but I do appreciate it to have a bit of order to it and it just doesn't right now. I just don't want it to bother me and it does.

Thankful Thursday

2010-02-18T15:57:00.000-06:00

I have a great friend who started doing thankful Thursday. She thinks it is cheesy but I love seeing her heart on these post. So in hopes of spurring you on dear friend I will join in.

This week I am thankful for my wonderful husband. The saying absence makes the heart grow fonder has for sure proven true for me over this year. He is traveling every other week now and I miss him terribly. And in his absences I have really seen that after all these years we have really meshed as a team - we have become one. So when he is gone half of me is too. Through my struggles over the last year he has been a darn close to perfect model of Christ. He has loved me and served me sacrificially without grumbling or complaining. He loves my children SO INCREDIBLY well. He is the best and I love him and am oh so thankful for him.
I am also thankful this week for my friends that blog. This season of my life has had me at home ALOT. And I haven't had the energy or courage to spend much time with friends. And the last few weeks I have been caring for a sick child or being sick myself. So my link to life has been blogs. So dear friends, I have kept up with you through your words. And for that I am thankful. And along those lines I am thankful that some of my friends have the courage to write cheesy blog post that encourage me and lift my spirits. So keep them coming dear friends.

Oh and one last HUGE thanks. When I picked Jake up at school today he grinned from ear to ear when he saw me. He slept through the night for the first time in 4 days last night. He said his ear did not hurt all day. So thanks for your prayers. It was a good day for him.

Jake

2010-02-17T15:33:00.000-06:00

I had to take Jake back to the doctor on Monday. He has an outer ear infection that has proven to be quite painful. I have had to medicate him every 3 hours since Monday. He went back to school today for the first time since last Monday. He made it all day. Brady and I walked up to get him and when he saw me little tears were in his eyes. He said mommy my ear hurts. He said it hadn't started hurting till a little bit ago and his teacher told him I would be here soon. So he is on the couch and probably down for the count. He was very tired.
Could you please just pray for God to heal Jake. 5 weeks ago this all started with a bad cold and has included stomach virus, strep throat, mono and an outer ear infection. It makes me sad to see him feel so bad for so long. I can not imagine being a momma of a terminally ill child who hurts all the time. 5 weeks is long enough - or so momma thinks.

I sure hope that one day soon this blog will be more lighthearted and fun again. It seems that it has been a VERY long time. My cloud is lifting slowly and steadily for which I am so thankful. This season, like all others, is passing but not fast enough...do they ever?

The Doctor's Diagnosis

2010-02-10T15:00:00.000-06:00

Our real doctor - not doctor Jake did blood work today and Jake has Mono. I must confess I was relieved to hear it. This is week 4 that Jake has been sick and completely exhausted all the time. I was beginning to be anxious and my thoughts went to the worst like Leukemia not mono. I am not a worrier when it comes to my kids health. But I have started to worry about Jake. His doc said it will take probably a month or so for him to return to normal. So we are going to get lots of rest, watch lots of movies, and drink lots and lots over the next few days before sending him back to school.

Dr. Cook's Diagnosis

2010-02-10T10:16:00.000-06:00

Jake is sick again. Taking him to doctor today to see if he has relapsed with strep. Yesterday he was really weak and he told me he couldn't walk when he was sick. He even made himself a walking stick out of tinker toys. (He was serious about it too - don't laugh at the stick - or so I was informed). At one point mr. drama was laying on the floor wanting me to carry him (yes he is really sick and weak but he is also dramatic so he sucks it for all it's worth :)). I told him I wasn't as strong as daddy. And hoping to motivate him to move I played the mean momma card and told him if he was that sick that probably they would have to take his blood at the doctor tomorrow to see what was wrong. Horrible I know. So he used his walking stick and managed to get himself up - with lots of grunting and moaning involved. When I put him to bed last night he told me that he knew why he couldn't walk and that it was not his blood. I ask him what it was and here is his diagnosis:
When my throat hurts and I don't eat my legs aren't strong anymore. And the top part of my body is heavier than the bottom part of my body and my legs can't hold it up anymore. So the top part of my body just pushes me down to the ground and I can't walk.
I literally bit the insides of my mouth to keep from laughing because this kid was serious. And to laugh at that moment would have crushed him. So then he looked at me and said "So dr. Logan doesn't need to check my blood it is just fine" :)
Too funny!!!

I Survived!!!

2010-02-06T15:51:00.000-06:00

I literally did questioned if I would survive the last week and half:
-stomach virus for Jake and Brady Wednesday - Friday
-Strep throat for Jake on Friday
-Strep throat for me and Brady starting Saturday night
-Brady has a bad allerigic reaction to his antibiotic on Sunday - face, throat, toungue swell, rash all over - scared me to death
-I have really never been sicker in my life. My mother in law encouraged me because she said the sickest she had ever been was in 1986 with strep throat. I seriously think I will be saying that in 20 years about this sickness. It was terribly painful and I think I had my first taste of menapause. I told John if that is what it will be like he can keep me until then and shoot me. I spent 4 hours one afternoon bundled in my bed freezing - I could not get warm. And the next morning I was standing on my front deck in a tank top and shorts SWEATING and it was 29 degrees outside.
So needless to say I survived. After 7 days my throat still hurts and my head is stuffy but I am up and moving and on the mends.
Thankfully my sweet husband made the call on Friday to stay home this week instead of traveling to NYC. He will travel the next 2 weeks instead. So he basically worked 45 hours this week and then did all that I do in a given week - HE IS AMAZING!!!

For Memories Sake

2010-01-29T21:40:00.002-06:00

He's growing up but not sooo fast and for that I am thankful. Since he has started school we ask him everyday what his high and low points of the day are. They have been really great conversation starters. On Monday when I ask him he said his low point was PE because HE HAD TO DANCE WITH A GIRL!!! It was quite funny but I was glad to hear he didn't like it.
Well the next day, I ask him if PE was better today and he said "well it was ok. I had to dance with a girl again but I didn't cry today." My response: "Bud you didn't tell me you cried yesterday. Why did you cry?" Jake - "because momma dancing with girls FREAKED ME OUT!!!"

On Guard

2010-01-16T12:31:00.000-06:00

Above all else, guard your heart,
       for it is the wellspring of life. ~ Prov 4:23

I believe that as a parent it is our responsibility to stand guard over our child's heart as we teach and train them how to do it themselves. I must confess that my fear about sending the boys to school at a young age would be that we would lose their hearts to the desires and appeal of the world. This morning I am feeling the weight of this fear. Here are some topics of conversation that have come up just in the last 5 days (usually on the way home from school):
1. I don't think Matthew likes me any more. I try to talk to him and he just walks away or ignores me.
2. Matthew (a different one) ask to trade chipmunks so I took him my Theodore and he was going to give me Alvin but he tricked me. After I gave him Theodore he kept his Alvin.
3. Mom alot of my friends are in love.
4. Can I have a DS? All the other kids in my class have one?
5. Yesterday afternoon he got in trouble in target and begin to argue with me. I told him not to talk back to me. He started screaming and said you just don't get it mom.
6. Me: How did show and tell go?
    Jake: It went good except when I got schnook (his stuff dog that he sleeps with) out some of the kids laughed at me and made fun of him.

So some of these conversations have awoken the momma lion in me but I have kept that to myself:) And some of them have made me ask who is this 15 year old and what did you do with my 5 year old.

Today as I have thought about the conversations and how I have handled them I am thankful for a big dose of grace in those moments.   Each one of these comments have sparked wonderful conversations that have all lead to our need for Jesus. And for that I am grateful. But the fear in me is stirring and what I am realizing is that I have got to do battle for Jake's heart on my knee's. I feel inundated with the pulls for his heart - questions arising in his mind such as "how must I act for others to like me?", "what do I need in life to be like everyone else? " So I know that it is my job to take him to the word and to speak truth into his life and to get on my knees and do battle begging God to make Jake love Him more than he loves this world.

The Little and Big

2010-01-13T17:04:00.000-06:00

I don't want to forget. I want this depression to be lifted but I don't want to forget all that God is doing in my heart as a result of this time. Along this journey I have ask God to give me stones of Remembrance so that I don't forget. And I am asking God to put these stones in my path often. The Israelites set up stones of remembrance but then they journeyed on their way and left the stones behind and they forgot. So my prayer is God give me stones and make them show up. Today, while waiting in carpool I listened to this song and as I thought about it God carried me farther along in this journey we are own and it became a stone for me. Read they lyrics and then I will tell you why:

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed

I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

When I first heard this song I thought it was talking about a parent. And then as I listened I realized she was talking to God. But all the things she writes about are things that parents are or should be a part of - protecting us from monsters, kissing boo - boos, walking through our first heartbreak, our wedding day, becoming a new parent and sadly some even the death of a child. I have always been taught that as parents we have an opportunity to be a model to our children of God as a parent. Yes, it is tainted but even in kissing little boo-boo's and wiping the tears of a first heart break - these are pictures of God loving us in the simple things.

But she is singing to her heavenly Father. She knows that he was there to scare away the monsters and kiss boo-boos and all the other things. And I begin to think - how often do I let my children stop at me? Am I planting seeds of understanding in them that their heavenly Father is here in the little things or do I just let it stop with me. As parents we want to be needed by our children and I don't really think that is sinful. But what an opportunity to let my children know that God is there in the little and the big now while there little and bigs aren't SO little and big. Then as adults they know - really know that He is the I AM.

More and more God is lifting this unnecessary burden from my heart. The burden that I have thought I had to make my children holy, that I have to do it all right for them to love Jesus. And He is doing it in such sweet ways. I am learning this about myself as well. He is committed to making me Holy and He loves me - really loves me. I want my kids to know this is true for them to and as I learn to live out this truth in my own life I trust that God will help it to spill over in theirs.

Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus

2010-01-12T14:15:00.000-06:00

I was not going to post this because several of you are sure to freak out and I was sinfully worried about confessing this out loud but this experience is the epitomy of what God is teaching me right now and I want this blog to be a place to encourage you to walk closely with God and to learn with me to trust Him completely. So read - gasp - be encouraged or skip it all together.
To set the stage I want to briefly tell you a big big thing that I am learning. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Did you read that. I think so much of my depression has been fueled by shame and condemnation for bad choices I have made in life. I feel like a complete failure because I just can't seem to get it (just fill in the blank of it) right. And in my pit of worthlessness that I have lived in the last few months I have felt more loved and valued that ever before. I hope that makes sense because I could and will write a whole post about this as I process it more but this will do for now.
Since John is a contractor we have been on Cobra Insurance for the past 18 months. In September, we applied for Individual Blue Health Insurance knowing we had until Jan 10 to get things squared away to have new insurance. Well they sent me a letter and told me that I had to loose x amount of weight before they would cover me. I had already started my diet so I knew I was on my way to losing the weight and I knew I had time to get it done. All they needed was a fax from my doctor saying that I had lost the weight. So I met my target weight the second week of December and we sent the fax in. When John called to confirm they received it we found out that the boys had gone to a review board and they had to get more info from their doctors. (because of their ocular albinism). So John has been calling Blue Cross every other week day for 2 weeks checking for updates. Sunday, at breakfast, John announced that if anybody was going to break an arm today was the day to do it because tomorrow we won't have insurance. And yesterday he called - still in review.
This morning at 4 am I awoke in sheer panic. (Anxiety lives just around the corner from me these days and I have to fight really hard to keep it out of my home/heart) So I spent the next two hours bathing myself in God's word to no avial. You see when things like this happen these days it feels like someone just took a baseball bat and literally beat me with it. Shame, condemnation, shoulda, coulda, woulda's flood my mind. But slowly I am learning that I am never gonna get this life right. I am never gonna succed at having it together all the time. But finally, God brought to mind something a sweet friend told me the other day. The application that day is so different than today but the principle is the same. He said "our children don't need perfect parents, they need broken ones who continually confess their sin to God and their children." This models our need for Jesus more than anything I can do or say for my children. The reality is I am gonna fail my children and I need Jesus. Well this morning, I realzied that Jesus knows I am gonna fail PERIOD. And I need Him. And this brought me comfort. In fact is was HUGE for me. The reason that there is no condemanation for those that are in Christ Jesus is that Jesus came because we can't get it right. we are gonna fail. We should have done it earlier - i should have lost my weight earlier - we should have forsaw this problem - but we didn't and here we are without insurance as a result of it. Yes I agree with you that this is a big deal but right now I am learning that God is having to do things in my life in a BIG way to get my attention. So at the end of about 3 hours of complete fear, anxiety, and shame I came before God and humbly prayed "Lord here I am again - in need of your help. I am full of condemnation that is not from you. So please calm my anxious heart and heal my unbelief. Help me learn to trust in you. Insurance is a wise thing to have but you are our great phycian. I can not undo what has happened up until this point but will you please provide us with insurance and keep us safe until you do. Help me trust in you and rest in you."
Thankfully, I had planned to go see a friend today. My first time with friends in a long long time. It was so very encouraging - a sweet gift from God. But as I was driving home I could feel the anxiety creeping back in. So I prayed again and ask God all the same things as above. John sent me a text almost immediately saying he had just talked with Blue Cross and we were approved and will be covered completely starting Feb 1st.
And here I am again - humbled by my loving Father. Today was the day we would find out and that was no surprise to God. But today, he chose to use this issue to teach me to more deeply trust in Him, depend on Him and fall on my face before Him.

Yes, ’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

It is Well

2010-01-07T07:26:00.005-06:00

I am officially a carpool mom now. Don't I look thrilled!!!

Jake started on Tuesday and did wonderful. His teacher seems so sweet. He loves her. Yesterday (day 2) he told John he wanted to do carpool like the other kids instead of dad walking him in. So John dropped him off. He said Jake looked at him and said "see you after school daddy" and "I love you Brady" - "have a good day" and out the door he went and never looked back. So he is doing really well. His biggest adjustment is the afternoons. He is exhausted when he gets home so it is very touchy around here that time of day right now. Last night he was a little out of his mind so momma took Brady on a date and Jake and dad (who is sick) watched a movie snuggled on the couch. It was good for everyone.

This is not a great picture but Brady was so giddy walking to his school I had to share it. Thankfully we found him an open spot at a preschool literally at the bottom of the hill from our house - about 1 mile from here. He was so excited to start school like his big brother.

We had to leave him crying but his teacher said it lasted for about 1 minute and then he had a blast. We took him to Krystals to celebrate with a Freeze. He kept saying "I am so happy I get to go to school" He sat down in my lap and said "I love my big school momma but I missed you" This kid knows how to melt my heart (among other things :)).

So as my post title alludes - It is well, I am well, we are well. God has been so very gracious to me. More and more as I walk with God I am learning to trust that He gives grace where grace is needed. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words.

Words to Live By

2010-01-01T08:40:00.011-06:00

I have been encouraged by several blogs I read to pick a word (or words) to focus on for the year. Some have picked one and a few have picked 2 or 3. They have spent extended time meditating on these words and applying them to their life in various ways. I decided to do this as well for 2010. I think this will help me focus on a few things. Right now when I look at our life I often get overwhelmed with the needs of my family. So I have spent time asking God for wisdom and words. The words I have settled on this year are:

Simple ..... Intentional ....... Health

So you will probably see these words in my post lots this year. I think they are very appropriate for our life right now.

I am also claiming a verse for our family this year. I have a very precious friend who has faithfully quoted this verse to me over and over during the last few months. She has prayed it for my life and every time she reminds me of it I have felt loved by my Father. I want to share more about this verse in the days to come but for now I want to just share the verse with you:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. "
Isaiah 43:18-19

I hope you are enjoying the beginning of a New Year with your loved ones.

Thanks

2010-01-01T08:36:00.003-06:00

Thank you all for the encouraging words from my last post. I really have felt your prayers. Aside from a few moments of anxiety here and there I am truly experiencing God's peace about this decision. And it has made me love my husband more. Submission truly is a beautiful thing - if only people truly understood what it is suppose to look like - but that is for another post. We will try to get him registered on Monday so that he can start with everyone else on Tuesday. So if you think of me on Monday and Tuesday PLEASE pray!!!!

A Change of Plans

2009-12-27T12:35:00.003-06:00

John has decided that we are putting Jake in public school kindergarten and Brady will go to a preschool program. We have had this discussion several times throughout this fall. As my husband and the leader of our family he has struggled with this decision - more than I knew. Up until this fall he has completely supported my decision to home school our children. And then the weight of 11 moves in 6 years fell in my lap with FULL force. I have not wanted to put the kids in school. I have very specific reasons why. And when he told me on Wednesday that he had prayerfully made his decision and it was not up for discussion the full weight of this fall fell on my lap. (Please don't be upset with John - this is the first time in 9 years of marriage that I have had to step out and trust my husband to lead our family when we weren't in agreeance. I firmly believe in submitting to my husband and trusting my God with the results)
I spent most of the day in wretched tears. I felt like a complete failure. That night as I began to settle down and process it was as if God flashed a timeline before my eyes of the last few years leading up to this point. And in that moment I knew this was the best decision. I am not saying I was excited or that I want this to be forever - but for now it is ok. Here is what I know:
1. I am broken right now. Really broken. All that I have known of myself has been brought into question as I lay before my Father. My strengths have become my weaknesses. I look at my life and I don't see much good in it right now. I don't feel like I have much at all to bring to the table. All that I use to trust in has slowly been stripped away from me this year. The walls have crumbled and left me in pieces. For a while during this process that was really scary. Some days it still can be. But now, most of the time it has brought the most freedom I have ever experienced. In this place of brokenness, I have never felt more loved and more unworthy of that love.
2. I haven't trusted God. I have not been a part of my children's journey to knowing God. I have bore complete responsibility for that journey. My intentions were good but still sinful. Somewhere along the way I forgot - or maybe I didn't really ever know - that God was way more committed to my kids than me. They belong to him - they were created to worship him and bring him glory and He will see that to fruition. When John told me this the other day he said "before God you are my first priority above our children and I trust God to care for our kids even in public school while you take time to heal and be restored" I realized that I didn't trust God for that. This will be a process for me.
3. My children need me to be their momma more than their teacher. Right now I have learned through this brokenness that I don't have much at all in me. In all reality, I can't do it right now. And my first priority to my kids is to be their mom. Right now, that is all I can work on and I am learning to trust God that this is enough.

There is lots more I want to say. I am still processing this with a very heavy heart. This has brought my struggles to an even greater degree of reality. I am convinced that God has brought me to this place. He is pruning away the dead limbs in my life so that I may grow and be healthy. Pruning hurts but it is necessary.
I must say that Laura Story's CD has ministered to my heart like nothing else during the last few months. As I sat down to write this I began listening to Bless the Lord. Here are the lyrics:

You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that’s in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power un- told
not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Here are some ways you can pray for me right now:
1. Pray that my heart stays soft toward John - that I trust God and trust John's walk with God.
2. Pray for John - pray for peace and wisdom as he leads our family through this. We don't know yet for how long this will be.
3. Pray for Jake and Brady to adjust well.
4. Pray that God's overwhelming peace will fill my heart.
5. Pray that all that's in me will bless the Lord

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T14:45:00.003-06:00

May your Christmas be full of

Beauty

Adventure

Fun time with those you love most

Lots of memories to cherish for years to come

and Laughter, lots of laughter!!!

I am thankful that Jesus came to give me life - abundant life.

Merry Christmas from the Cook's
We love you all!!!

Brady's Going Under

2009-12-14T23:06:00.004-06:00

Brady will be having surgery this Thursday. He is having his adenoids removed and tubes put in his ears. We had thought he would be getting tonsils out but doc wants to go with just this to start with. We are doing it now because we change insurance the first of the year and they won't cover it for a year. Thankfully we don't have the recovery time like we would if it were tonsils.

As you know he is our wild and crazy people person. This weekend we have about 17 people coming to our house for Christmas. So please pray he has a speedy and smooth recovery and the battles to keep him not so wild and crazy are minimal.

Please pray that the surgery goes well and that we will be getting much more RESTFUL sleep after this. Pray for me this week too please. I don't have a ton to do for the weekend but this is a hard time for me and this surgery throws just a bit of a kink in the week. Thankfully I have a dear sweet AMAZING husband who is all hands on deck.
Thanks for your prayers

I Slept

2009-12-08T10:08:00.001-06:00

Last night I slept without the help of meds. It is the first time in a few weeks that I have had a full nights sleep without sleep aids of some sort. Thank you for praying for me and please keep doing so.

A Good Man

2009-12-07T15:48:00.002-06:00

God blessed me with a good man!!!!
I have not been sleeping. It has gotten pretty bad this week and as a result very little got done in this house last week while he was in NY. I am guessing that if you have read my blog for any time you have gotten that I am really struggling with depression right now. A dear friend and my doctor put me on an anti depressant 2 weeks ago. I was told it would take some time to work and in the mean time my sleep issue have worsened - thus all of the other issues that go along with depression or just plain sleep deprivation. Yes I have good days and rays of hope sprinkled in among the dreadful days. Last night I took something to help me sleep and when I got up at 10:30ish this morning John was doing laundry and getting the boys dressed to go buy groceries.
When he got home from grocery shopping I told him that I was thankful but that my pride reared its head and that I felt like he saw me as a failure right now who is not capable of doing my job. He kissed me on the head, smiled and said "I think you are perfectly capable. I think you are having a hard time and you are my wife and I love you and I want to help and to take care of you. - that is all this is."
Thank you God for this blessing!!!!

Seasons are good!!!

2009-12-03T22:54:00.002-06:00

I think it is very sweet of the Lord to create seasons. What a perfect physical representation of our lives. Sometimes when we are in the midst of something we can not see an end. But God promises us that this too shall pass. On rare occasions we don't experience this passing this side of eternity but for most of us the seasons pass, both the good ones and the bad. When I moved back here a dear friend told me that she believes in physical representations of the spiritual things that God is doing in our lives. This move for me was a new start in so many ways. But I can't say that it has been fresh. In fact, it has been quite dark and dreary for me. And I have found myself struggling to have hope. Hope that God has not abandoned me, hope that He did not lie to me when He said this too shall pass, hope that this wretchedness that I feel is not without purpose, hope that He who began a good work in me will carry it out and that one day - this side of heaven or not - I will not feel this dark and dreary weight on my shoulders. And then the season changed.
I know it is not actually winter yet but we have a tradition that the weekend after Thanksgiving every year we decorate for Christmas. When we moved here I told John that I wanted to seasonally decorate. I committed to doing it very frugal but doing it nonetheless. In my last post I said the living room looked bare because I had taken everything down. All of our Fall decor - curtains, paintings, candles, pillows, etc. went away until next year. Tonight I have been making the winter curtains for the living room. I had NO idea how much God would use something as simple as seasonal decorating to minister to my soul like it has tonight. Now when I walk into my living room I see it with fresh eyes. It is not the same old same old. And every time I come down that hall I smile. Sure it is beautiful but I hope you see it is soooo much more than that. It is HOPEFUL!!! It is a simple reminder to me that the seasons change, they pass. So right now I am sitting in my living room enjoying my new look and thanking God that He is a God of hope. I would love for you to come enjoy the new season with me!!! Really!!!

some of you may be wondering how i am making curtains and decorating for Christmas feeling the way I do. I must say that I made a commitment to myself a few months ago to do at least a little of the things that I love even if I don't love doing them right now. In the past, God has used my creativity as an outlet for rest and healing and I wanted to keep this door open even if it was forced for the time. And once again, He has used the simple things in life to minister greatly to my heart. Tonight was exactly why I kept doing it.

A Perfect Day

2009-11-27T06:49:00.002-06:00

Our Thanksgiving Day was close to perfect. We stay home for this holiday now because our weekend following is full of our Christmas traditions and we want them to be special and simple. So traveling is out (we do make exceptions on occasion). So we invite family here. Yesterday, my parents and Uncle and Aunt and their grandchildren came for the day. John and I did most of the cooking. I can make a mean pot of chicken and dressing and can't taste it without missing my mawmaw from whom it originated. The visit with the extended family was great and they left late afternoon. We all put on pj's. The boys watched their new Santa buddies movie downstairs while John and I watched Four Christmases (HILARIOUS). Then we made a paper chain for one of our trees in with the boys. Had leftover dinner and watched chicken little as a family. At bedtime we all sat on the boys bed and talked about being thankful and what we were all thankful about each other. My heart is full!!!
After the boys went to bed, John and I cleaned up from the day. He cleaned the kitchen and I took down all of my fall decorations. For a split second last night I panicked because the living room is bare and it looked like we were packing house again. But we are not moving, just transforming the warm and cozies of fall into a winter wonderland. This is where my inner child finds great delight.
I am so thankful that God filled my heart with a glimpse of heaven yesterday. For that I am thankful!!

True Thanksgiving

2009-11-20T14:26:00.006-06:00

I am not a mother who has lost a child. I am not fighting my own battle with cancer wondering if I will get to watch my children grow up. I am not walking along side a spouse or family member fighting for their life against cancer or other sicknesses. I am not a wife whose husband is on the other side of the world fighting to keep our country safe. I am not a widow who is grieving the loss of her best friend all the while raising their 3 and 5 year old children. I have not been sexually abused as a child by a family member. I am not the product of divorced parents. I am not the wife of a man who would rather be elsewhere doing other things. I am not the wife of a man that God has called to labor in a place that is dangerous and our lives can be in danger at any moment. I am not a woman longing to conceive a child of my own, not understanding why God won't let me be a mother. I am not the mother of a sweet 18 month old baby who received a devastating phone call this very week telling her that her child suffers from a terrible syndrome that will completely change the life of that entire family. I am not any of these things. But I know someone who is or has walk through EVERY single one of these things. And in these lives I see AMAZING stories of God showing up. He becomes so real and so tangible in the lives of these people. They inspire me to want to know the God that walks them through these TERRIBLE times in their lives.

This morning on my way to the doctor I was listening to Laura Story's song Make Something Beautiful. Take a minute and read these lyrics:

When I'm at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,
And I'm at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,
When I'm halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,
When I cannot see the ending, Or which road I'm supposed to take,
All i know to do is lift my hands to you..

Chorus:
Take all of my life, all of my life,
All I know to do is lift my hands to You.
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful

Verse 2:
When I'm tired of pretending, and I cant recall my lines,
Do I say, I'm barely breathing., or just say, I'm doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what Your doing with my life
All i know to do is lift my hands to you

I had never heard this song and it ministered to my heart tremendously. But as I thought about how appropriate this song is for my life right now I heard a voice whisper in my head "but your husband didn't fight brain cancer like hers." It was in that moment that this post was born in my head. Because I realized that I, like most of you reading this, have bought into the lie that I should be "thankful" for my life because it could be so much worse. That idea that we should be thankful is not the lie. The reasoning that brings us to the conclusion that we should be thankful is the lie. To look at another person's lot in life and concluded that our could be worse so we should "look on the bright side" is to say to God - "I will be thankful only because it could be worse." But my lot in life is exactly were God has me. And His promises are true to me as well. The circumstances in my life right now are very hard for me. We are all dealing with the consequences of sin - either with tragedy and sickness or weariness and depression. On this earth they are assigned values giving more weight to some over others. But in the eyes of our all knowing, all powerful God who is able to comfort all of the tragedies that I listed above all the while hold his very "sad and weepy" daughter in the palm of his hand there is no difference. Not that grief is more or less - because it is. But that what is going on in my measly lot here on this earth matters to my Daddy. It matters because He is my maker and my creator and He loves me. It matters because He hand selected this life for me and He is using my sin struggles and my heartache and my depression (there I said it) to teach me all these things. He has just as much time to hear my broken heart as He does to heal a child who is dying. And when I realized that today it made me want to RUN RUN RUN to His feet. Living in a world surrounded by people who don't have the time to do anything anymore I came face to face with my Father who has all the time in the world and wants me to sit at His feet or curl up in His lap.
Yes this was a very personal thing God did in my heart today but if you have been reading this for any time you know that I am ok with laying my heart on the table for the world to see. Yes, I have made stupid decisions in my life, I have regrets that I wish I could take back but I am here asking God to take all of my life - all of my life and make something beautiful. And I felt compelled to share this because I know that many of you are like me. Struggling in the midst of a "normal" life and you feel like God doesn't have time or that your struggles are not that important but they matter to your Father. So I am running to my Daddy and asking Him to take out my old and sinful heart and create in me a clean heart. And just as she says in the song
- "I admit there is a yearning for the hurting to subside but not at the risk of missing what you are doing in my life." So join with me and ask God to take your life and make something beautiful. With this mindset and heart I hope you can truly give thanks this week for the life you have.

Week 9 Update

2009-11-19T18:31:00.002-06:00

So here's the scoop on the weigh in. I got to the Dr office and the nurse told me I had to many clothes on before I even got on the scales. So I weighed and lost 2 lbs. She told me to go home and weigh on my scales with clothes on to see how accurate they were and then to put my shorts on (what I usually weigh in) and weigh. So I did and I had lost 4.5 lbs total from last week. She told me to make sure I wear shorts next week :). So I am pleased with 4.5 lbs considering I have not stepped foot in the gym this week. AND I only have 11.5 more pounds to my end of the year goal!!!!
On another not so happy note, please pray for me this week. I am still struggling really bad with sadness and weepiness. Yes I guess I should say depression but that is such a hard pill to swallow for me. I feel like the word depression defines me while sadness and weepiness just describes me at the moment. Silly I know but it is how I feel. Anyway, I am still having a hard time. I told John tonight that I am ready to talk about medication. It is just hard to know with all these thyroid issues. So could you just pray that God would give us wisdom in what to do and that He would heal me. I really want to enjoy my family this holiday season and right now I really just want to curl up in the bed and cry - and I have lost 39lbs in 9 weeks. I should not feel this way!!! UGHHHH!!

The Holidays

2009-11-19T06:38:00.003-06:00

I had great expectations for the holidays this year. I "NEEDED" to make them happen. I needed to follow through with all my thought out plans and new traditions that I want to do. These are not extravagant ideas - in fact I think they will make the holidays much more simple, magical and meaningful in the end. But most of them take initial work and preparation on the front end. And well, I have spent the better of the last month and half fighting to stay off the couch - honestly some days I don't even fight. So I have decided that I will finish my Jesse Tree Ornaments this year (starting this weekend) and that will be the only special addition to our holiday seasons. I am trying to use the energy and what little ability I have to make and hold complete thoughts to get our family settled into life and routine for the beginning of the year. So I have decided that I will lower my expectations for this season and enjoy my family.
This move has created in me a renewed heart for my home. Not the physical place as much as what it encompasses. John and I have survived for a long time and we are ready to settle and thrive and I want our home life to be a haven for all who live here. Simple and intentional are the words that resonate with me these days. So hopefully if I can plan for January then I will be ahead of the game instead of frantically playing catchup. My hope is this will set me on a course to have a fruitful, simple and intentional year with my family. Soon I hope we are thriving again - not sure again is appropriate here because John and I aren't sure we have thrived since we had children.

Week 8 Update

2009-11-14T19:31:00.004-06:00

I lost 2 more pounds this week making my total 35lbs in 8 weeks!!! I am really pleased. I have had a really hard last month and still having troubling getting my nose to the grind again. So I am pleased with 2lbs all things considered.
FYI to challenge you on the upcoming holiday season. My nurse told me this week that Americans gain an AVERAGE of 8-10lbs from Thanksgiving to the New Year. WOW!!!!
So in lieu of this fact I have decided to set a goal for the remaining 7 weeks of this year. I am going to shoot to loose 15 more pounds by Dec. 31st. That will put me at 50lbs weight loss - half my goal. It is about 2lbs/week average loss. I think this is a pretty reasonable goal considering most other Americans are gaining almost half that much :)
Also, thanks to a good friend who has also done this diet I now have a handful of skinnier clothes in my closet as my new motivators.

The Artist Meets The Artist

2009-11-14T19:06:00.003-06:00

Today was a wonderful day!!! We walked around The French Quarter in NOLA. We went to Jamie Hayes' gallery - one of Jake's favorite artist. And to our delight he was there signing his art. So Jake started talking to him and told him "I am a great artist too!" Mr. Hayes told him to come around and he would teach Jake a new way to do letters. He also wrote a book called Up In the Air with the Mingling Brothers. He signed the book and then wrote Jake's name in the book and taught him a fun way to do letters (see below)

this is Peter the Pianoeater - one of Jake's favorites

If you look close you can see were he wrote Jake's name

here he is teaching Jake how to add color to the letters

here he is PATIENTLY helping/encouraging Jake to write his own name in the book the way he learned. Mr. Hayes spent about 15-20 minutes with Jake. One lady walked up and ask for something and he politely told her he was taking his time with this little man and she could wait until they finished. Well as a momma that delighted my soul. I wish we would have captured the sheepish delightful grin on Jake's face after that experience. It was such a wonderful moment!!!

Can I Just Say....

2009-11-10T18:37:00.003-06:00

In the last week I have been able to go in my closet and wear WHATEVER I put on!!! I am no longer an owner of my "smaller size" clothes. Nope the few that I have kept over the years I am now wearing!!!! So much farther to go but this is a great milestone for me and I am enjoying it!!!

Week 7 Update

2009-11-05T21:22:00.002-06:00

I Lost 3lbs this week which is GREAT considering I haven't been to the gym this week. Every 6 weeks I have to do blood and I got those results back this week. I am happy to report that my overall Cholesterol is down to 192 which is in normal range now. My TSH (thyroid hormone) is down from 9.56 to 6.5. This probably doesn't mean much to most of you - unless you have thyroid issues. The normal range is .45-4.5. As you can see I was way high and though I haven't returned to normal range we are creeping along. I have had a VERY hard 2 weeks with my thyroid issues. It makes me very sad - emotional all around and extremely tired. So the doc said about 2 weeks and I should be feeling better - made it through week 1. So considering all this chaos I am very pleased with 3lbs!!!!

The Climb

2009-11-04T19:34:00.002-06:00

Tuesday, on the Biggest Loser I hear Miley Cyrus's The Climb for the first time and man it resonated deep within me. 55 days ago I took a major step forward in my commitment to health in all areas of my life. That night I told John that I was so afraid. Never in my life have I wanted something so bad - to be healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. All three areas have taken drastic hits in the last few years. But I know that this was God's doing. He is in pursuit of my heart - all of it.
I don't have to be skinny for that to happen nor do I have to be a spiritual "giant" for that to happen. But I have dug for myself broken cistern's that do not hold water and no matter how much I keep pouring in they NEVER get full. And as a result of my trying my heart, my mind and my body are a wreck!!!!
My fear 55 days ago was that it would not happen. That I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't lose my weight, I couldn't deal with the idols of my heart, that I couldn't be happy. And yes I know that I don't have to do it on my own - this was part of my great epiphany this summer. But commitment and discipline and effort were necessary on my part and I was afraid that I could not do it. DEATHLY AFRAID!!!
There is that voice in my head that she talks about in her song. And the last 2 weeks I have hit a really hard "mountain." And in my frustration I told John that just as I got going here I am faced with another setback. But when I heard her song I realized that this will be a life long journey for me. The last 2 weeks have been really hard for me (thyroid issues again) and I have struggled but the "click" in my head has happened. I am moving forward very slowly but I am moving!!! In 55 days I have lost 30 some odd pounds and I am facing the issues of my heart head on. Last night after hearing this song I settled into the fact that it won't be over in a year - not even close. But I am here and I am in it for life.

Halloween Traditions

2009-10-31T20:49:00.005-05:00

I know it is too late to pass these on for others to use this year. But give me some slack - I have moved twice this year - once being the last 2 months. So here is our Halloween traditions. We don't do a ton of special things for Halloween - at least not yet - maybe more later, who knows. But for now:

Each person has a special treats plate. Brady doesn't yet because I waited until this year for him to pick what he wanted and I haven't made it to the place to paint it yet - so next year. The kids love these!!!

I love my candy corn topiaries. (yes one of the foam pieces fell down) If you are interested in how to make them let me know. Also, the calendar is hand made though I got the idea from pottery barn kids last year. Our plan for this calendar has not come to fruition yet. Probably next year. I just did not have time and the boys really weren't old enough to understand how to do it. But what we are going to do is pray for whatever our children decides to be for Halloween. Like this year (which had we done it would have been a stretch) we would have prayed for truck drivers and Engineers that build robots. I got this idea from the book Redeeming Halloween. So we will try again next year but for now it was just a cute calendar that the boys loved.

Hope you had a great Halloween!!!

Happy Halloween!!!

2009-10-31T20:37:00.003-05:00

Bumblebee and Optimus Prime (Transformers)

Tonight was hands down the best Halloween the Cook's have had to date. Our neighborhood is WONDERFUL!!!! There are tons of families with small children and they celebrate holidays together. So tonight the boys trick or treated in the neighborhood and then we all met back at a families house for hot dogs and dessert. They hung a big sheet on the side of the house and had Charlie Brown The Great Pumpkin and Pooh's Humphalump Halloween Movie Playing. There was a blow up slide also. There were at least 25-30 kids my kids ages. We got to meet alot of the neighbors. When we were walking home John said "this was the best Halloween ever and Jake said YES it was!!!!"

who am i?

2009-10-29T23:08:00.004-05:00

Who am I? - "mommy"
How do I feel about you? - "you love me"

these are the two questions that John and I began asking our children before we discipline, correct, train or make decisions for them. We once heard Mark Driscoll say in one of his sermons that he ask these questions to his children. He wanted to remind them "in the midst" of the hard things that he is their father and he loves them dearly - too much to let them go their own way. Sometimes this makes a difference in their response and sometimes it doesn't. But today was one of those days that it made a HUGE difference. Last night we drove to Reform (1.5hrs) to visit our old church and attend their Fall Festival. We had a blast but we got home really late. Today, Jake was really tired and I knew it. When we got home from Bible Study we had to have a discussion about his patience's and he had gotten upset. After the talk, I went to the kitchen to fix lunch and he came to me crying and said "mommy, I can't stop crying." At that moment I absolutely knew what he needed - a nap. He does not take naps these days and normally he doesn't need them but today he did. So before I told him that he had to take a nap I ask him these 2 questions to remind him that I love him and he was not being punished. this was mommy making a wise decision for him. He of course became even more hysterical because he did not want to take a nap. At this point, I told him he needed to calm down so that he could eat his lunch and he just couldn't. so I offered him a few crackers and told him to go to bed. He wouldn't take the crackers he was too upset. So I put him in the bed and lovingly (never during all of this had I lost my temper) told him that I loved him and his body needed rest. So a few minutes later he is screaming at me - very angry. So I took him 2 slices of cheese and a tablespoon of peanut butter and a drink. I walked into his room and sat on his bed. Again, I ask him these two questions and he answered them. Then I said, Jake you are not being punished. sometimes the very best thing for us is not what we want. I love you enough to make you rest your body so that you will enjoy the rest of your day. I do not want you to be angry with me but even if you are you will still take a nap because I am your mom and I love you and I know what is best. Do you understand? "yes ma'am" His next response made me know that he got it - I love you mommy - will you lay down with me for a minute? ABSOLUTELY!!!!

Sometimes I think it is so much easier to change the behavior and ignore the heart. I knew that I could have gone in there and threatened to spank him if he did not stop crying and you know what I have done that on many occasions. But today, today God was gracious to me and he was strong when normally I am weak. And I got to see his heart bend toward me right before my very eyes and it was priceless!!!! thank you God that i get to be a part of this journey in their life.

Week 6 Update

2009-10-29T19:08:00.004-05:00

Lost 4lbs - I did not go to the dr until today. We had people in our house for a week straight and while I feel like I made decent choices when I ate real food - I still ate alot of real food. I wanted to give myself a few days before I weighed in. So I am happy with 4lbs.
I went to get dressed yesterday and I cleaned out literally 2/3 of my closet before I found something that wasn't huge on me. It was a GREAT feeling. The red sweater in this picture that I wore 3 weeks ago swallows me whole now. I look like I had wings when I put it on.
Ever since my "kick butt" exercise week that put me on the couch for a few days - I have not been feeling well at all. I have had zero energy and I feel like I could sleep at any point of the day. I have spent lots of afternoons on the couch which is very unlike me. Well this week my bloodwork showed that my thyroid levels are way off again. My doctor told me that it was like my body was running on a half charged battery. This made me feel tons better. So it will take about 2 weeks to see if the new meds will work. Please pray that it will.
I wish you could know how much your encouragement has meant to me through this journey. I am so thankful for all of you!!!

A Father to the Fatherless

2009-10-28T09:21:00.002-05:00

I just read this blog post and it stirs my heart so much. As you kiss and hug your children today that have been apart of your life for so long pray that God brings parents into the lives of the parentless.

ROLL TIDE

2009-10-26T14:42:00.004-05:00

One of our Fall Traditions is to go to the Alabama Homecoming Parade with the boys. This is the 4th year we have done it and it is alot of fun. This year Nana (who is recently retired and we are sooo glad!!!) joined in on the fun. And for a special treat John, Nana and the boys actually went to the game. They said the seats were terrible but they still had a blast. Here are some pics from the day.

it's blurry but the only family pic from the day

This was Brady's favorite thing in the parade - the very very tall football player

We had got up to leave the parade (been there 1.5 hours and it was freezing and almost over) and I looked down the road and saw this coming our way. So glad I did. Jake had a fit - he was so excited!!! This of course was his favorite part of the parade.

Moss Preserve Hike

2009-10-26T14:30:00.006-05:00

A few weeks ago we went for a hike at Moss Preserve in Hoover. It is a wonderful place right smack in the city of Hoover. There are several trails out here and a rock climbing area. We had a blast!!! More and more I am enjoying being more active with my boys.

I love this picture of Jake - he did not know we were watching him. He is a very loud and rambunctious boys when paired with his brother but this very much captures another side of Jake - very contemplative. I love it!!!

They were learning how to balance and walk by themselves across the log. It was a huge feet for him to do it by himself. Of course we picked a log with no water underneath for practice. :)

This place is beautiful. John had cell phone coverage here which kinda made me happy because I might come up missing one day and venture out here all by myself to enjoy the waterfalls. A cell phone will be nice just in case you know :):) how spoiled we are!!!

Tinker Toy Fun

2009-10-26T14:22:00.005-05:00

These are some of the boys tinker toy creations from the summer. Enjoy!!!

Amy the Oxymoron

2009-10-25T10:04:00.004-05:00

I have struggled of late to continue this blog. There are several reasons, overwhelmed with life the last several months, somewhat singlemomin it gives me little time, and there is so much going on in my heart that I am having a hard time articulating it without lots of babble. John and I have talked several times about this blog. He has really encouraged me to keep it up. One thing I have realized over the last few years is that writing is good for my soul. Up until this point in my life I have had little problems with my life being an open book. John and I aren't really afraid to say we struggle, we mess up, we make stupid decisions and we learn. I want this to be true of our life. Mainly because most of the time it is really easier to live this way. If you aren't afraid of admitting failure (not in the I don't care what people think mentality but the I don't have it all together mentality) then you don't have to try so hard to be this person you think others want you to be. Also, being open and honest about these things makes Jesus more real in my life. Our culture seems to think that being a "good" Christians means putting on this persona when you walk out the door and keeping all your junk behind close doors. Then it becomes a work based salvation and Jesus and His perfect life and death for our imperfections becomes in vain. What I want people to know is that I mess up alot and I am so thankful that Jesus - my Jesus came and lived a life void of mess ups and He allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross for all of my mess ups so that I could be restored to my Daddy forever. I could talk about this for days but there really is more to this process of thinking.
One of the major reasons that I have stopped writing lately is because I feel like an Oxymoron and I am really struggling with being honest about this. Some of the really hard things that God has been revealing in my life this year completely contradicts everything that I wrote above. I have realized a pattern of relating to the people "behind my closed doors" that makes Jesus death be in vain. I have come to realize that it is 100% easier for me to bare my sin on this blog for most of you to read and be encouraged and spurred on by than it is for the people I love the most to see my heart. Most of the people who read this blog are sweet friends of mine that I am so thankful for so don't hear that I don't love you - but you know what I mean :)
I have never really thought of myself as a people pleaser. When it comes to the outside world I am fairly thick skinned and laid back. I don't get my feather ruffled much and I am not easily put out by people, and I don't get my feelings hurt much. But what God has shown me this year (though it has been YEARS in the making) is that I have dug for myself broken cisterns that do not hold water. My worth has been so wrapped up in my mom and John loving me and approving of me. In April, I was talking to one of our mentors and dear friends. As we talked about some of the hard things God was showing me regarding a specific situation he said "Amy do you realize that the root issue is the same with both John and your mom? Your world falls apart when you fear you have failed them and you perceive that they are in some way withholding love from you." This was REVOLUTIONAL to me!!! Because what I have since seen in my life is that my mask are most often needed for those closest to me rather than the outside world. And I have seen that this issue in my life is like an onion with sooooo many tiny layers that have to be pulled back. This has been such a hard realization in my life. I have wanted to write specifically about it but I knew that in order for me to write about the journey I had to overcome the fear of being honest about the fact that I have mask even though I am NOT of fan of mask wearers!!!!
I want to share more about the specifics of what I am learning but I must confess that I am only scratching the surface of this issue. But I know now that my obedience to God has come up against a wall that must fall in order for me to continue toward a deeper intimacy with him. Idols are anything in our life we love more than Him and He is jealous for my whole heart. I can not serve two masters - I want to experience and understand true and complete love and acceptances in Him so that I can be free to love my family.

Around the Corner

2009-10-23T09:23:00.004-05:00

Can you believe it is only 9 weeks till Christmas? I had a great post waiting on me this morning in my handy dandy google reader that I wanted to share with you. I am still working on Thanksgiving traditions and such but just yesterday read in our church's bulletin that Operation Christmas Child boxes were due mid November. We did this with the boys last year and it was fun for them. So that being said, I wanted to share this post with you to help stir some thoughts on ways our family and yours can step outside ourselves this holiday season and serve others. Hope you are inspired: Give to the community Post

Also, my plan is to spend next week preparing for November traditions and then in November to finish up my Jesse Tree Ornaments. So if any of you are interested in join in with me to make these ornaments and want to order the book you can get it here But don't wait too long or it will be sold out. For those of you who are not super creative and want to do it, I promise to give easy instructions.

More soon!!!

Week 5 Update

2009-10-19T19:57:00.004-05:00

Lost 1.2lbs this week. I am proud I did not gain. It has been a challenging week - mainly just life. I was out of town for a few days - no gym and some eating out. Then we had family in town with some eating out. But I knew going to weigh in that it would be a slow week. I have to say that my lesson this week is that sometimes life doesn't go as planned and I can do one of 2 things:
1. Improvise when possible - like go for a walk where I am, make best possible choice of food if I am eating out, etc.,
2. If I make mistakes see the next meal or opportunity to exercise as a new day or a new choice. I don't need to wait until tomorrow to start fresh. and if I do I just need to make sure that I keep going.

The desire for me is a lifestyle change. So some weeks will be worse than others but I don't in anyway see last week as bad. I ate out almost everyday last week, went to the gym only 2 days and still lost a pound!!! GOOD FOR ME!! :)
Oh and I forgot to mention that a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts resided in my house this weekend and I did not even take a single nibble!!!

Week 4 Update

2009-10-13T20:53:00.002-05:00

Lost 6 lbs this week!!!! This was week 4 so in 33 days I have lost 24lbs!!! I am very pleased with my progress. Last week was physically hard for a few reasons. The 2 days of 5 minute running (did my 20 min intervals also) KICKED my butt!!!! I was not in pain or sore but I physically felt completely exhausted. By Thursday, i could not function so I spent the afternoon on the couch and took off Friday. It made such a difference. My body just needed a break. I couldn't believe that 5 minutes could do that to me but I still have so much weight to loose and I just pushed a little too much. So for now I am gonna just stick with the interval training for a few more weeks and work up gradual. It also made me really hungry. But the weekend was a good recovery and we are back in groove.
I am completely finished unpacking. There are many things I want to do to the house but no more boxes out. The decorating will be my therapy for some time ahead. I absolutely love love love this house. I sit in this living room almost every day and ask God to let this place be a haven for our family - one that fosters healing and restoration for my (our) very weary souls. I would love for you to come see it and sit on my couch and enjoy the view with me - it really is a beautiful place!!!!
Thank you all for being so encouraging through this journey!!! Now that my house is unpacked I am going to try and tackle some Holiday traditions I have brewing in my head - so get ready for more than just my weight lost updates. However, it won't be this week!!! My sweet sweet mother in law is coming to enjoying the view with me for a few days, go to the Alabama Homecoming Parade with us and the boys (one of our yearly traditions) and as of today going with John to take the boys the the actual game. We could only get 4 tickets so I will be sitting this one out at Barnes and Noble enjoying some peace and quiet and a good book. Hope you guys have a great week!!!

Week 3 update

2009-10-05T10:06:00.003-05:00

I weighed in today and I lost 8.8lbs!!!!
I am so excited but i must confess something else happened this morning that rivals the excitement of the pounds I loss!!!
I told you I was starting to train for the 5K in February. I am doing the Couch to 5K training. This is start of week 2 for me. Yesterday, John wanted to go to the gym and so I went with him. Normally I want go on Sundays but I just went with him. He was running beside me and after I walked my 5 min warm up I started my intervals. I was suppose to run 90 seconds and walk 60 but I just heard him running beside me and I got set in a rhythm and before I knew it I had run 5 minutes!!!! I was so excited and proud of myself. Remember I am trying to loose like 100lbs and I just ran 5 min. I stopped at 5 min because I couldn't get control of my breathing. Then I went ahead and did the rest of my intervals. BUT this morning, I was so motivated!!! So I walked my 5 min warm up and then did 15 of my 20 min intervals. When I hit minute 20 I put on what has become a theme song in my life right now (Free by Ginny Owens) and I decided to push myself and see if I could run the last 5 minutes of my intervals. I DID IT!!!!! I had run 15 minutes of intervals and THEN I ran for 5 minutes straight!!!! And surprisingly I was still breathing fairly well!!! I stopped because I wanted to enjoy the moment!!!
So yes, I am excited about the weight loss but I am just as excited about the fact that I am pushing myself to become who I know I want to be and learning that I can do it!!!

Ain't Nothing Gonna Break My Stride (Week 2 Update)

2009-09-30T13:53:00.005-05:00

I have been really busy this week and haven't had time to post. I did not loose any weight this week - everyone says week 2 that is to be expected. I think it was a combo of it being week 2 and the 2 rounds of Japanese food I had over the weekend. I learned/am learning alot last week about emotional hunger. I wasn't physically hungry but with John being here I felt like come meal time I needed to eat. I am not blaming John (although he says I am :)) but I am just saying - it was harder with him here. So for once I was glad to see him off for a week so I could get a better handle on my eating.
I decided that we have to find things to do as a family that don't center around food. So Saturday morning we are going for a short hike and I am excited. I found a website with a few places close by but haven't settled on any some suggestions would be great (ie - jess).
Also my friend Shannon has said she will do the Mercedees 5K with me which I am really excited about. It is not until Feb which gives me time to build up. I plan on signing up as a runner but not sure I will be able to run the whole thing. Running is very much something I look forward to after loosing my weight. John loves to run and I can't wait to do it as a family - sometimes.
I am not disappointed about not loosing any weight. I am learning so much through this. I think that having my food options so easily accessible - I just go to the cabinet and pick from the already prepackaged meals (that are surprisingly good) and make it - has taken my mind off thinking about food. I don't have to think about what I have had today and what I can have and so on. I will eventually need to do that but for now I can really think about when and why I eat. It is forcing me to concentrate more on this whole emotional eating. I want terribly for this to be a lifestyle change and with that comes evaluation and retraining and sacrifice. I am there - I am ready but it is not easy!!!
I am starting to have more energy which is great as well. So all in all I am on the right track. I have found a plan that is working for me and I am really excited about it.
There are so many other things I want to write about but right now I can't focus on that. In a few weeks I will be back. Thanks for sticking it out with me friends!!!

Weight Loss Update

2009-09-17T12:18:00.003-05:00

Hear me squealing as I tell you I lost 10.4 lbs this week. I was very pleased. I have been surprised how easy this week has been. I really never feel physically hungry and I am fighting to deal with my emotional hunger. It has been a successful week. I have a dear friend meeting me at the gym every morning. She walks 30 min with me (which is all I can do right now per docs orders) and then she goes and actually sweats for her workout. The time has passed so quickly every day. It is fun for me to start finding new ways to hang out - rather than grabbing lunch or such we walk for 30 very fast minutes.
The nurse told me at my weigh in today to not expect a lot of weight loss the second week. She said your body kinda realizes week 2 that something is going on and tends to hold on to its stored fat. I wanted to get onto a Monday weigh in day anyway because that will motivate me to do well over the weekends when John is home. So I am going to just go for 11 days and then weigh in the that next Monday. So this will give me a longer stint to loose a little more weight.
Already I feel more energetic. I am super encouraged. Thanks for all the encouraging emails and comments I have gotten from you all.

9 years - really 15

2009-09-16T07:42:00.003-05:00

Today we celebrate 9 years of marriage and 15 years of our life together. Next year I will have spent half of my life with this wonderful man. Last year I shared our story. Here it is in it's entirety if you want to read it:
I love the story that God gave us surrounding our relationship and I thought that in honor of our special day I would share with you are beautiful story of redemption.I went to school at a small private school in Fayette, Alabama. John started this school our 11th grade year. He was a football player and I was a cheerleader (really?). We became fast buds - really just friends to start with. We really had fun laughing and cutting up together. Every time he saw me in the halls he would say "Hey sugar." It was a fun relationship that, surprise, surprise, turned into more of a love interest rather quickly. So he ask me to go on our first date together for Friday, September 16, 1994. The night before we had a football game and I of course was elated to be cheering for him on the sideline. Oh those high school days.

So we went on a double date with some good friends and well that started a relationship that is celebrated 14 years tomorrow. Our years in high school were good but rocky. We both broke up twice during the next two years only to always end up together again. The fall of 1996, after graduating high school John proposed to me and of course I said yes. We spent 1 year at the JuCo in our home town where his mom taught before moving to South Alabama.

I had gone to church off and on during my life and would have said to you I was a Christian. I tried to be a good girl. John on the other hand, did not even believe in God. I specifically remember a conversation we had our senior year of high school (I even remember exactly where we were and what we were doing) in which he told me that something drastic would have to happen for him to believe that there is a God. I continue to love him and later planned to marry him so that tells you where I stood spiritually as well. So our Sophomore year of college we moved to University of South Alabama. I planned to be an Occupational Therapist and well John just planned to follow me down there and decide later. This move completely changed our life!!!!!

We moved to Mobile in May of 1997 and I started summer classes. Oh, and we were living in a townhouse together. I met a few girls that summer that I started spending time with. I really saw a difference in their lives and how they lived and what they talked about. When fall classes started they invited us to a picnic that Campus Outreach was having to welcome the students back and meet the new ones. John wanted to play intramural football and one of my friends had told me that a guy there was putting together a team. So he decided to go with me. I remember meeting JK for the first time. He was flipping burgers and he said "My name is Jonathan King, but just call me JK." He had that sheepish grin on his face that now is so endearing to my heart. We met several people that day and had a blast. Some of those people have become our life long friends (even though we stink at keeping in touch Todd Russell!!!). So John began to play football with JK and his team. Several girls starting initiating time with me as well. At this point, I would have told you that I was already a Christian and was ready to re-dedicate my life to Christ. For me, now the big part was getting John - who said something drastic would have to happen for him to believe there was a God - to believe. John came home from the first practice and said JK approached him afterwards and started talking to him about God. He said it was ok and JK challenged him to read the book of John. So he did - and well after a thousand conversations with JK the drastic thing had happened.

JK came over to eat dinner with us one night (I remember he was wearing this red Alabama sweatshirt - that he was wearing at my house this last Christmas 10 years later :)) He talked with us alot about the book of John and clearly shared the gospel with us. For me, I realized that the key thing I was missing was not the belief in God but the lordship surrender. That night, October 27, 1997, John and I both prayed to receive Christ together.
The night that we became Christians, Jk, left the house and did not say one word to us about our living situation. He began meeting weekly with John and teaching him how to study the Bible. I got hooked up in a Bible study as well. It was a little over a month later that John and I really became convicted about our living situation. So I found a roommate for the spring semester (quarters then) and John lived on JK's couch for about a month until he could move into the dorms. (we later ask JK and Tammy why they never challenged us to move out and they said they knew the Holy Spirit would do it in time and that He would be a true conviction) That summer, John went to SBP and I stayed behind for OT school and meet one dear friend that taught me all I know about marriage and parenting - Emily Teague. I wouldn't have traded that summer for a 1000's SBP's. Late fall of 1998, John and I decided it was time to break off our engagement. It wasn't an issue of our feelings for each other quite as much as it was about knowing if this was God's will or ours for us to be married. It was hard because our lives were completely interconnected. We still spent time together and kinda acted like we were together until the first week of SBP 1999. This was the week that John decided that it was time for us to not spend any time together. We had to really sort this out and it was so hard. So the summer was spent completely apart doing our own thing. I stayed after SBP to babysit and John left and spent a week at my parents river house alone. He said he really needed to be with the Lord and decided if God's will was for us to be together or if it was just what we had known for so long.

Often when I share this story I tell people that I felt like Abraham walking up the mountain to slay Issac. God had told me to lay this relationship on the alter. For me it was not a question of my feeling for John - I loved him and had always loved him even in those silly teen years it was real. So I chose to obey God because I believed His word to be true. Jer. 29:11 became my sustenance during this time - it kept me going. I could not see that John was not the best for me but God gave me the faith to believe that He had my very best in store and that He would give it to me if I chose to trust Him and surrender my wants and desires. This was probably one of the hardest 3 months of my life. (Jill do you remember :))

About a month after school started, John ask me to go to lunch with him on a Wednesday. I had a terrible sinus infection but I was not about to pass up time with him. (I had told the Lord that I wanted to marry John and that I would trust him to show John otherwise and close the door if it were not the best. I knew I couldn't trust my emotions so I ask the Lord to slam it shut if it needed to be.) So we went to lunch and talked about our summers. After lunch we went to the park near South and sat by the lake and we continued talking about our summers for 2 hours. It was great because, he was my best friend and I hadn't talked to him all summer. After that talk, he told me that he felt like God had given him a solid answer about our future and he pulled out my ring and ask me to marry him again. I was completely shocked - we had been sitting there for 2 hours!!!! Of course I said yes and bust into tears. God gave him back to me and I feel completely blessed!!!

Update

2009-09-12T18:21:00.002-05:00

Day 1 and Day 2 have been great!!! No hunger, no headaches. We had to explain to my little garbage disposals that they can't eat mommies food. John told them it was special food for me and that I didn't get to eat much of it and they didn't need to ask for any. He told them it was like medicine for me. So John just sent me a text and said "me and the boys are at full moon eating and Jake just said that mommy couldn't come here to eat with us because they don't have medicine food." yes son you are correct - no medicine food will be found at the BBQ place!!!!

A new journey

2009-09-11T07:24:00.002-05:00

So today starts a new adventure for me and I wanted to let you in on it. I have thought long and hard about sharing this with you because it evokes a level of accountability that I didn't know if I wanted. But this upcoming year is about change for me in so many ways on so many levels. So here it goes:
I am starting a drastic weight loss diet today. My whole life I have struggled with weight. Yesterday when I did my physical for the diet and they took history - in your immediate family do you have any of the following - heart disease (yes), diabetes (yes), cancer (yes), thyroid problems (yes), and most of all the others (yes). You get the picture. I have tried to loose weight my whole life and for various reasons it has not been my priority. That time has come to an end. John and I have decided that for our entire family my health is our top priority this year. So that means that our days will be scheduled around me going to the gym 5 days a week, going to weigh in, eating out as a family at places I can eat. I am doing the Bariatric Diet which during the first phase I eat their foods. I started today because the friends that have done it all say the first 3 days are hell and then it gets easier. I wanted to do those first 3 days while John is home and can support me and help take care of the kids. That is why I started today.
So I want to loose 110 pounds. It is alot and it will be a long road but it HAS to happen. And I decided that sharing this with you is hard but is just means if I succeed I do it publicly and if I fail I do it publicly as well. I want my life to change. Sometimes I feel like there is this whole other person inside me waiting to get out. I tell John sometimes that I think if I were skinny I might dress like a hippy :) who knows I guess we will see. So when you see me please please please ask me how I am doing. Don't be afraid - I need it. Thanks for joining this journey with me. I will post at least weekly when I weigh in. (I plan on starting to post more anyway now that we are settling)

Be The Man You Want Him To Be!!!

2009-09-09T19:12:00.004-05:00

Today I was SUPER encouraged by my wonderful husband and I wanted to share the story with you. As you know we are moving into the house this week and John took the week off to help. That itself gets tons of kudos!!! But this is even better.
John decided he wanted a new TV and for the last nine years we have been a one TV family so we decided to put our old TV in the playroom and get us a new one upstairs. When we went to Wal-Mart to get one Saturday at 5:30 (1.5 hours till kickoff) they did not have the specific one he wanted so he got a smaller one - still big. Then yesterday we were in Sam's and he found the bigger TV there for only 100 more than the one he bought. So he was going back and forth deciding if he should take it back or keep what he got.
This summer Jake saw a double sided light saber and ask for one. John promised he could have one when we got into our new house. Well you better believe that 2 months later Jake did not let him forgot so off to Wal-Mart they go. Jake picks a red one and Brady gets blue. Well this morning - after having it a few days, Jake came in the room with me and said I decided I want a blue light saber instead of red. I told him that he picked red and that was what he would have and then I talked about being thankful for what he has. His response to me was "if i break that one will you buy me a blue on?" UMM -NO!!! So I took it away from him for a little while. He went inside and when I came in after 2 talks he was crying. I said why are you crying "because I really want a blue one." So I really didn't know how to respond at that point and so I sent him to his room until John got home.
So John comes home, goes to talk to him and gives him the once again be thankful talk. Then he keeps on about it and just won't drop it. In the mean time John comes in there where I am and says "I really want to exchange my TV but I just gave him this talk on being thankful for what I have." So a few minutes later the topic comes back up with Jake about the light saber and John just shares his struggle with him. And he said "so when I think about that bigger TV I just have to remind myself to be thankful for what I have and ask God to help me have a grateful heart." Jake said "daddy, I know what I need to do - I need to pray and ask God to help me have a grateful heart too - will you pray with me daddy?"
What a sweet reminder that they just need to see that we really understand their struggles.
So today I got to watch my husband make a choice to be the man that he wants Jake to be. We still have the smaller TV and he loves it!!! I love that man!!!

The Truth

2009-08-28T07:41:00.002-05:00

There is so much I want to say. I think most of you knew there was more to this move than John's job. It is true. This is the best decision for his job - to be in a bigger city and close to an airport. But the main reason we are moving back to Bham is me. When we first made the decision I was so afraid of saying something that might hurt the people in Reform. But since we made this decision I have received nothing but love and understanding from them even though they have no idea why. I love those people - our family. But for this time in our life I need to be in a place that fosters healing in my life. I have some very dear heart friends in Birmingham and older women who have invested their lives in me in the past that can help me walk through this very hard time in my life.

This summer the walls came crashing down in my life. The accumulation of the last 6 years of moves and starting over, along with other things, caught up with me in so many ways. Spiritually, emotionally and even physically I feel like I fell apart. God has brought me to a place of brokenness that I have never experienced before. I feel like the last 5 weeks since returning from NY (without John) that God has graciously wrapped a rope around me holding me together. Many times it begins to unwind and the floodgates of emotions take over (if you know me you know I not super emotional). But ever so gently He has pulled me back in - not by any act of mine. I am not sure what God has in store for me in the coming months but this week I met with a dear sweet friend who spoke such truth into my life that I actually begin to believe it. She told me that she believes in the physical representation of the spiritual things that God does in our lives. God used NY to literally bring me to the end of my rope in so so many ways but this move represents all things new. A new start, a new me - "if any one is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come." Sometimes, most times, it takes God years and years - a lifetime - to remove that old and sometimes it is simple and other times it is drastic. For me this is a drastic removal of the old in my life. This "pruning" is very painful but it makes me know that my Daddy loves me and He desires nothing to rival Him for my affection.

Like I said earlier, there is much I want to say but for now this is enough. It is not hard for me to be an open book - I always have been. But for now please just pray for healing in my life. Pray that quickly I feel "settled" in Bham. John and I both are very weary and though we can't say we will never move again we do feel like we will be here for a while. I must confess that this is just as hard for me to believe as it is for some of you. But we have arrived - we are done. Our "adventurous spirit" has been quenched. So life begins outside of survival mode. Please pray that I learn how to live outside of survival mode soon.
Those of you that have called or sent emails - thank you so much. I think as mom's we so struggle asking people for help. But I know that God intends for us as believers to be His hands and feet not only to the lost but to our brothers and sisters. I need my friends right now more than ever - people who love me and people who can love my children when I don't seem to be doing such a good job at that these days.
I believe God allowed events to happen in my life that brought me to this place of brokenness and I believe that He will see me through this - I believe this because His word says so
Psalm 66:10-12
¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
¹¹ You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
¹² You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

Ezekiel 34:26
I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing.

Enough for now....

Change of Plans

2009-08-11T21:10:00.002-05:00

Well I have been MIA from this blog lately. Probably won't be back much for another few weeks. But I did want to let you know that we have had a change of plans. After about a week of prayer and discussions we have decided that we are not moving to Reform right now. There are many reasons for this decision - one of them being John's job. We think we need to be in a bigger city in which John has easier access to jobs. We have decided to move back to Birmingham. John really wants to stay in the south and we don't want to start over anywhere. We love our friends in Birmingham and our church. It will be an easy transition for us which is great for me and the boys since John will be gone 4-5 days a week.
I wish I had the energy to elaborate more on this decision but I don't. Like I said in my last post I am tired and weary and ready to get settled. So please pray for this transition to be smooth and easy and quick. John is flying into bham on Friday and I will be driving up to meet him. We will look for houses on Sat. Please pray we find one. More soon....

Say a Prayer for Me

2009-07-31T10:37:00.002-05:00

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

I have fears about moving to Reform. And on days like today when I am tired and weary those fears sometimes becoming consuming - as they are today. I heard this quote on a movie this summer and it continues to run throughout my head. My specific fears don't matter that much. But they are real and they concern me but in this time I am choosing to do 2 things:
1. Claim Ps 16:11 and trust that His path is were joy and pleasure and contentment are found - not in a location of my choice.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

2. Standing on the judgement that there is something else more important than my fears. PEOPLE - we want to see God's hand moving in this small town. We long for God to renew a love for Him in His children that are there and start a spark in the hearts of others and release this town from the bondage of rampant drug addiction and Pharisaical thinking. My home will never be on this earth and as hard as it is sometimes to live like that on a daily basis - I want to live like that on a daily basis.

Right now I feel tired and weary and misplaced and lonely. Please pray for me during this time.
Thanks friends

Summer In the City - What I learned

2009-07-22T14:34:00.007-05:00

This summer had lots of challenges but it was well worth them all - most days:). There are a few things that I either learned this summer or deepened my conviction about through the summer.
1. Children don't need tons of toys - in fact they do better without the distraction of tons of toys. I have seen this even in the 1.5 days we have been at Nana's house. Because our apt was so small the kids only had a few choices and they would play with them for hours and they got really creative with the things. Tinker toys became rockets and boats and monster trucks and carnival rides for the stuffed animals. Brady's blanket and two chairs became a volleyball net and a balloon became the volleyball. A sheet became a swimming pool for the animals. Trains went on all kinds of adventures through the apt. I saw their imagination flourish tremendously because it had to. Here, the boys drag out all the toys and then are overwhelmed and get bored. The absence of toys created a necessity - get creative. So I think that when we unpack lots of the toys will go away to someone who needs them or up in boxes to be brought out literally a few at a time.
2. I can do this. I am blessed with an amazing husband and father. Even before he worked from home and had to go to work he always came home and became part of the family - played with the boys, helped with dinner and did bedtime by himself for the most part. That has always been his special time with the boys and he loves it. I know this is a blessing that many wives/moms don't have but God has blessed me with one amazing guy. When he started working from home he worked a full day but he was there and we loved it. So this summer has been QUITE a transition for us. In the past there have been seasons of his work that he was super busy and this summer has by far been the worse. So we went from having him home all day to not seeing him at all some days. I was worried because I do depend on him. He is a vital role in our day to day life. The kids expect daddy to put them to bed, tell them a story, sing and scratch their back, pray with them and lay down with them. I expect that after they go to bed, we get couple time. These have been priorities for us our whole marriage with kids. That didn't happen lots this summer. But we managed way better than I expected. It doesn't mean that we don't miss him. We do terribly. But for this season in our life he will be away alot working. After this summer, I feel confident that I can do this - he will work away 4-5 days a week and be home 2-3. This won't be constant because sometimes he will get to work from home. But before I was nervous and really didn't think I could do it. Now I know. We don't like it and can't wait for this season to pass but we are so thankful for God's provision and will learn to be content in this circumstance. This knowledge for me is a HUGE step in my road to contentment. I can do all things through Christ.
3. I like life at a slower pace. I really enjoy being at home. I am not much for going somewhere every day. The boys thrive when we stay home and in routine and I do as well. This summer I felt the need to go and do. I have noticed this about myself in other big cities we have lived in. There are so many options and i feel like I need to expose the kids and provide them opportunities. The truth is I don't. Their time will come for that. John and I enjoy just being. So living in a small town removes the possibilities of all the options which I really like and look forward to again. We will expose our kids to things and culture but we are ok with just being at home together. The kids love it to. There are lots of times that we are out somewhere that they just ask to go home and play. I have kinda known this about myself but I guess this summer I decided to be ok with it.

Summer In the City - Things to Do

2009-07-22T14:28:00.002-05:00

If you have smaller children spend your days in Central Park. It rained alot this summer so we really stayed in more than we had planned and when it wasn't raining we wanted to be outside playing and not in a museum or such. There are a few things that we wanted to do but didn't get to it.
1. Children's Art Musem - this mostly has art done by children around the world. We will visit this next time we are there while John is working.
2. Muesum of Natural History - planned on doing this the last weekend but decided the kids were not behaving well enough for a trip to a museum. Maybe next time.
3. We really enjoyed just walking around the city.

So again - we don't do touristy and maybe when the kids are older and can appreciate the things more we will do more stuff but Central Park was lots and lots of fun for us this summer.

Summer In the City - The Food

2009-07-22T14:09:00.003-05:00

John and I are not touristy people. We don't feel the need to see all the sights and try all the food places. There are probably several more we would have tried if we didn't have Thing 1 and Thing 2 traveling with us. But we do have a few must try when in New York City, and a few if you are looking for something go here.
1. Serendipity 3 - this place was our last meal there and it was WONDERFUL. It is such a fun place to go. The food is great but the desserts are literally the best I have EVER had. Must try their trademark (literally it is trademarked) frozen hot chocolate. And while we were there the couple next to us got engaged. It was really sweet. He had a special menu printed and one of the items on the menu was the proposal. So when she opened her menu he pointed and said - I think you should try this. When she looked down to read it he got down on one knee and opened the ring box. It was really sweet. Great place.
2. Gray's Papaya - skip the street cart hot dog and go for the gold. These things are really great.
3. Magnolia Bakery - All good - everything we tried was amazing. Right down the street from Rockefeller Plaza so we got the cupcakes and hung out in the Plaza - wonderful.

We also recommend
1. Murphy's Pub on 2nd Ave. This is a true Irish pub. The fish and chips are great but the atmosphere is really fun and the owner is a hoot. He came and chatted with us for a while. It was fun conversing with an Irishman - fun for all involved (he loved our southern accent).
2. Cafe Espresso - this place was right around the corner and we never went to the Restaurant but we had it delivered a lot. Great Italian.

So these are our picks for the summer. Well worth the visit if you are ever there.

R&R at Nana's

2009-07-21T19:57:00.004-05:00

We made it to the beach today. We were up and at it at 3am to make a 6 am flight. We actually got in a traffic jam in Holland Tunnel on the way to the airport at 4:30 this morning. Ridiculous that there are enough people on the road that time of morning - leaving the city for that matter - to have a traffic jam. But we had a really easy flight. So I took a nap when the boys did except I sleep for 5 hours - WONDERFUL!!! I didn't want to get up - I really think I could have slept until in the morning. So I want to post about our summer in the next few days but for now I am just gonna rest!!! Have a good week.

Faith

2009-07-15T12:40:00.004-05:00

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Heb 11:1

I want a faith that can move mountains. Often I struggle with this concept. Usually when this struggle happens it is because I have misplaced my faith and put it in an object rather than God. The more I parent the more I feel like I understand faith. What I mean is that I know my children hope for certain things. They hope to get to stay up late, they hope to get to have ice cream for dinner. But most days this does not happen. But I also know that despite momentary disappointment their faith in me as their caretaker does not waiver. They do not see me giving in to their whims - even the ones they hope for. It is because their faith is in me and not in what they want. I hope this makes sense. So as I put the boys down for a nap today, I lay in the bed with Brady for about 15 minutes as he genuinely sobbed because he was sad John had to go back to work. (John is working about 14-15 hours a day right now and they see him about 1 hour total a day - if that). So I took that opportunity to try as best as I could to explain to my 3 year old that God will never leave him and He will always be there to love him and take care of him - even when mommy and daddy can't. I said "daddy can not work from home like he use to right now but we can pray and ask God to give daddy a job that will allow him to work from home again." As soon as I said it I cringed inside. For that brief second I felt like i set my kids up for disappointment because it doesn't look like that will happen soon. But then God reminded me of this verse. The object of my faith is not the expectation of getting what I want. The object of my faith is a God who loves me and my boys more than John ever could. He is a God that wants us to learn to love and depend on Him more than we do John. And He is a God who has the VERY BEST plan for our lives. So I can come before my God, with my children, and ask in faith the equivalent question that I hear from my boys - can i stay up late?. I can ask my Father if He will give daddy a job that lets Him stay at home with us again. And God may say no and we may experience momentary disappointment but we learn to trust deeper in our God and His goodness. So we prayed and we ask and we will see what God does. It has been huge for me because I think in my faithless heart that disappointment may be lurking. But the big picture is I know God loves us and wants the very best for us and even though my heart might be sad - second best is not what I want - for me or them!!!! We shall see.