I Slept

Last night I slept without the help of meds. It is the first time in a few weeks that I have had a full nights sleep without sleep aids of some sort. Thank you for praying for me and please keep doing so.

A Good Man

God blessed me with a good man!!!!
I have not been sleeping. It has gotten pretty bad this week and as a result very little got done in this house last week while he was in NY. I am guessing that if you have read my blog for any time you have gotten that I am really struggling with depression right now. A dear friend and my doctor put me on an anti depressant 2 weeks ago. I was told it would take some time to work and in the mean time my sleep issue have worsened - thus all of the other issues that go along with depression or just plain sleep deprivation. Yes I have good days and rays of hope sprinkled in among the dreadful days. Last night I took something to help me sleep and when I got up at 10:30ish this morning John was doing laundry and getting the boys dressed to go buy groceries.
When he got home from grocery shopping I told him that I was thankful but that my pride reared its head and that I felt like he saw me as a failure right now who is not capable of doing my job. He kissed me on the head, smiled and said "I think you are perfectly capable. I think you are having a hard time and you are my wife and I love you and I want to help and to take care of you. - that is all this is."
Thank you God for this blessing!!!!

Seasons are good!!!

I think it is very sweet of the Lord to create seasons. What a perfect physical representation of our lives. Sometimes when we are in the midst of something we can not see an end. But God promises us that this too shall pass. On rare occasions we don't experience this passing this side of eternity but for most of us the seasons pass, both the good ones and the bad. When I moved back here a dear friend told me that she believes in physical representations of the spiritual things that God is doing in our lives. This move for me was a new start in so many ways. But I can't say that it has been fresh. In fact, it has been quite dark and dreary for me. And I have found myself struggling to have hope. Hope that God has not abandoned me, hope that He did not lie to me when He said this too shall pass, hope that this wretchedness that I feel is not without purpose, hope that He who began a good work in me will carry it out and that one day - this side of heaven or not - I will not feel this dark and dreary weight on my shoulders. And then the season changed.
I know it is not actually winter yet but we have a tradition that the weekend after Thanksgiving every year we decorate for Christmas. When we moved here I told John that I wanted to seasonally decorate. I committed to doing it very frugal but doing it nonetheless. In my last post I said the living room looked bare because I had taken everything down. All of our Fall decor - curtains, paintings, candles, pillows, etc. went away until next year. Tonight I have been making the winter curtains for the living room. I had NO idea how much God would use something as simple as seasonal decorating to minister to my soul like it has tonight. Now when I walk into my living room I see it with fresh eyes. It is not the same old same old. And every time I come down that hall I smile. Sure it is beautiful but I hope you see it is soooo much more than that. It is HOPEFUL!!! It is a simple reminder to me that the seasons change, they pass. So right now I am sitting in my living room enjoying my new look and thanking God that He is a God of hope. I would love for you to come enjoy the new season with me!!! Really!!!

some of you may be wondering how i am making curtains and decorating for Christmas feeling the way I do. I must say that I made a commitment to myself a few months ago to do at least a little of the things that I love even if I don't love doing them right now. In the past, God has used my creativity as an outlet for rest and healing and I wanted to keep this door open even if it was forced for the time. And once again, He has used the simple things in life to minister greatly to my heart. Tonight was exactly why I kept doing it.

A Perfect Day

Our Thanksgiving Day was close to perfect. We stay home for this holiday now because our weekend following is full of our Christmas traditions and we want them to be special and simple. So traveling is out (we do make exceptions on occasion). So we invite family here. Yesterday, my parents and Uncle and Aunt and their grandchildren came for the day. John and I did most of the cooking. I can make a mean pot of chicken and dressing and can't taste it without missing my mawmaw from whom it originated. The visit with the extended family was great and they left late afternoon. We all put on pj's. The boys watched their new Santa buddies movie downstairs while John and I watched Four Christmases (HILARIOUS). Then we made a paper chain for one of our trees in with the boys. Had leftover dinner and watched chicken little as a family. At bedtime we all sat on the boys bed and talked about being thankful and what we were all thankful about each other. My heart is full!!!
After the boys went to bed, John and I cleaned up from the day. He cleaned the kitchen and I took down all of my fall decorations. For a split second last night I panicked because the living room is bare and it looked like we were packing house again. But we are not moving, just transforming the warm and cozies of fall into a winter wonderland. This is where my inner child finds great delight.
I am so thankful that God filled my heart with a glimpse of heaven yesterday. For that I am thankful!!

True Thanksgiving

I am not a mother who has lost a child. I am not fighting my own battle with cancer wondering if I will get to watch my children grow up. I am not walking along side a spouse or family member fighting for their life against cancer or other sicknesses. I am not a wife whose husband is on the other side of the world fighting to keep our country safe. I am not a widow who is grieving the loss of her best friend all the while raising their 3 and 5 year old children. I have not been sexually abused as a child by a family member. I am not the product of divorced parents. I am not the wife of a man who would rather be elsewhere doing other things. I am not the wife of a man that God has called to labor in a place that is dangerous and our lives can be in danger at any moment. I am not a woman longing to conceive a child of my own, not understanding why God won't let me be a mother. I am not the mother of a sweet 18 month old baby who received a devastating phone call this very week telling her that her child suffers from a terrible syndrome that will completely change the life of that entire family. I am not any of these things. But I know someone who is or has walk through EVERY single one of these things. And in these lives I see AMAZING stories of God showing up. He becomes so real and so tangible in the lives of these people. They inspire me to want to know the God that walks them through these TERRIBLE times in their lives.

This morning on my way to the doctor I was listening to Laura Story's song Make Something Beautiful. Take a minute and read these lyrics:

When I'm at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,
And I'm at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,
When I'm halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,
When I cannot see the ending, Or which road I'm supposed to take,
All i know to do is lift my hands to you..

Chorus:
Take all of my life, all of my life,
All I know to do is lift my hands to You.
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful


Verse 2:
When I'm tired of pretending, and I cant recall my lines,
Do I say, I'm barely breathing., or just say, I'm doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what Your doing with my life
All i know to do is lift my hands to you


I had never heard this song and it ministered to my heart tremendously. But as I thought about how appropriate this song is for my life right now I heard a voice whisper in my head "but your husband didn't fight brain cancer like hers." It was in that moment that this post was born in my head. Because I realized that I, like most of you reading this, have bought into the lie that I should be "thankful" for my life because it could be so much worse. That idea that we should be thankful is not the lie. The reasoning that brings us to the conclusion that we should be thankful is the lie. To look at another person's lot in life and concluded that our could be worse so we should "look on the bright side" is to say to God - "I will be thankful only because it could be worse." But my lot in life is exactly were God has me. And His promises are true to me as well. The circumstances in my life right now are very hard for me. We are all dealing with the consequences of sin - either with tragedy and sickness or weariness and depression. On this earth they are assigned values giving more weight to some over others. But in the eyes of our all knowing, all powerful God who is able to comfort all of the tragedies that I listed above all the while hold his very "sad and weepy" daughter in the palm of his hand there is no difference. Not that grief is more or less - because it is. But that what is going on in my measly lot here on this earth matters to my Daddy. It matters because He is my maker and my creator and He loves me. It matters because He hand selected this life for me and He is using my sin struggles and my heartache and my depression (there I said it) to teach me all these things. He has just as much time to hear my broken heart as He does to heal a child who is dying. And when I realized that today it made me want to RUN RUN RUN to His feet. Living in a world surrounded by people who don't have the time to do anything anymore I came face to face with my Father who has all the time in the world and wants me to sit at His feet or curl up in His lap.
Yes this was a very personal thing God did in my heart today but if you have been reading this for any time you know that I am ok with laying my heart on the table for the world to see. Yes, I have made stupid decisions in my life, I have regrets that I wish I could take back but I am here asking God to take all of my life - all of my life and make something beautiful. And I felt compelled to share this because I know that many of you are like me. Struggling in the midst of a "normal" life and you feel like God doesn't have time or that your struggles are not that important but they matter to your Father. So I am running to my Daddy and asking Him to take out my old and sinful heart and create in me a clean heart. And just as she says in the song
- "I admit there is a yearning for the hurting to subside but not at the risk of missing what you are doing in my life." So join with me and ask God to take your life and make something beautiful. With this mindset and heart I hope you can truly give thanks this week for the life you have.

Week 9 Update

So here's the scoop on the weigh in. I got to the Dr office and the nurse told me I had to many clothes on before I even got on the scales. So I weighed and lost 2 lbs. She told me to go home and weigh on my scales with clothes on to see how accurate they were and then to put my shorts on (what I usually weigh in) and weigh. So I did and I had lost 4.5 lbs total from last week. She told me to make sure I wear shorts next week :). So I am pleased with 4.5 lbs considering I have not stepped foot in the gym this week. AND I only have 11.5 more pounds to my end of the year goal!!!!
On another not so happy note, please pray for me this week. I am still struggling really bad with sadness and weepiness. Yes I guess I should say depression but that is such a hard pill to swallow for me. I feel like the word depression defines me while sadness and weepiness just describes me at the moment. Silly I know but it is how I feel. Anyway, I am still having a hard time. I told John tonight that I am ready to talk about medication. It is just hard to know with all these thyroid issues. So could you just pray that God would give us wisdom in what to do and that He would heal me. I really want to enjoy my family this holiday season and right now I really just want to curl up in the bed and cry - and I have lost 39lbs in 9 weeks. I should not feel this way!!! UGHHHH!!

The Holidays

I had great expectations for the holidays this year. I "NEEDED" to make them happen. I needed to follow through with all my thought out plans and new traditions that I want to do. These are not extravagant ideas - in fact I think they will make the holidays much more simple, magical and meaningful in the end. But most of them take initial work and preparation on the front end. And well, I have spent the better of the last month and half fighting to stay off the couch - honestly some days I don't even fight. So I have decided that I will finish my Jesse Tree Ornaments this year (starting this weekend) and that will be the only special addition to our holiday seasons. I am trying to use the energy and what little ability I have to make and hold complete thoughts to get our family settled into life and routine for the beginning of the year. So I have decided that I will lower my expectations for this season and enjoy my family.
This move has created in me a renewed heart for my home. Not the physical place as much as what it encompasses. John and I have survived for a long time and we are ready to settle and thrive and I want our home life to be a haven for all who live here. Simple and intentional are the words that resonate with me these days. So hopefully if I can plan for January then I will be ahead of the game instead of frantically playing catchup. My hope is this will set me on a course to have a fruitful, simple and intentional year with my family. Soon I hope we are thriving again - not sure again is appropriate here because John and I aren't sure we have thrived since we had children.