Friday, January 29, 2010

For Memories Sake


He's growing up but not sooo fast and for that I am thankful. Since he has started school we ask him everyday what his high and low points of the day are.  They have been really great conversation starters.  On Monday when I ask him he said his low point was PE because HE HAD TO DANCE WITH A GIRL!!!  It was quite funny but I was glad to hear he didn't like it.
Well the next day, I ask him if PE was better today and he said "well it was ok.  I had to dance with a girl again but I didn't cry today."  My response: "Bud you didn't tell me you cried yesterday.  Why did you cry?"  Jake - "because momma dancing with girls FREAKED ME OUT!!!"


Saturday, January 16, 2010

On Guard

Above all else, guard your heart,
       for it is the wellspring of life. ~ Prov 4:23

I believe that as a parent it is our responsibility to stand guard over our child's heart as we teach and train them how to do it themselves.  I must confess that my fear about sending the boys to school at a young age would be that we would lose their hearts to the desires and appeal of the world.  This morning I am feeling the weight of this fear.  Here are some topics of conversation that have come up just in the last 5 days (usually on the way home from school):
1. I don't think Matthew likes me any more.  I try to talk to him and he just walks away or ignores me.
2. Matthew (a different one) ask to trade chipmunks so I took him my Theodore and he was going to give me Alvin but he tricked me.  After I gave him Theodore he kept his Alvin. 
3. Mom alot of my friends are in love.
4. Can I have a DS? All the other kids in my class have one?
5.  Yesterday afternoon he got in trouble in target and begin to argue with me.  I told him not to talk back to me.  He started screaming and said you just don't get it mom. 
6. Me: How did show and tell go?
    Jake: It went good except when I got schnook (his stuff dog that he sleeps with) out some of the kids laughed at me and made fun of him.

So some of these conversations have awoken the momma lion in me but I have kept that to myself:) And some of them have made me ask who is this 15 year old and what did you do with my 5 year old. 

Today as I have thought about the conversations and how I have handled them I am thankful for a big dose of grace in those moments.   Each one of these comments have sparked wonderful conversations that have all lead to our need for Jesus.  And for that I am grateful.  But the fear in me is stirring and what I am realizing is that I have got to do battle for Jake's heart on my knee's.  I feel inundated with the pulls for his heart  - questions arising in his mind such as "how must I act for others to like me?", "what do I need in life to be like everyone else? "  So I know that it is my job to take him to the word and to speak truth into his life and to get on my knees and do battle begging God to make Jake love Him more than he loves this world. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Little and Big

I don't want to forget.  I want this depression to be lifted but I don't want to forget all that God is doing in my heart as a result of this time.  Along this journey I have ask God to give me  stones of Remembrance so that I don't forget.  And I am asking God to put these stones in my path often.  The Israelites set up stones of remembrance but then they journeyed on their way and left the stones behind and they forgot.  So my prayer is God give me stones and make them show up.  Today, while waiting in carpool I listened to this song and as I thought about it God carried me farther along in this journey we are own and it became a stone for me.  Read they lyrics and then I will tell you why:

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

When I first heard this song I thought it was talking about a parent.  And then as I listened I realized she was talking to God.  But all the things she writes about are things that parents are or should be a part of - protecting us from monsters, kissing boo - boos, walking through our first heartbreak, our wedding day, becoming a new parent and sadly some even the death of a child.  I have always been taught that as parents we have an opportunity to be a model to our children of God as a parent.  Yes, it is tainted but even in kissing little boo-boo's and wiping the tears of a first heart break - these are pictures of God loving us in the simple things. 
But she is singing to her heavenly Father.  She knows that he was there to scare away the monsters and kiss boo-boos and all the other things.  And I begin to think - how often do I let my children stop at me?  Am I planting seeds of understanding in them that their heavenly Father is here in the little things or do I just let it stop with me.  As parents we want to be needed by our children and I don't really think that is sinful.  But what an opportunity to let my children know that God is there in the little and the big now while there little and bigs aren't SO little and big.  Then as adults they know - really know that He is the I AM. 
More and more God is lifting this unnecessary burden from my heart.  The burden that I have thought I had to make my children holy, that I have to do it all right for them to love Jesus.  And He is doing it in such sweet ways.  I am learning this about myself as well.  He is committed to making me Holy and He loves me - really loves me.  I want my kids to know this is true for them to and as I learn to live out this truth in my own life I trust that God will help it to spill over in theirs. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus

I was not going to post this because several of you are sure to freak out and I was sinfully worried about confessing this out loud but this experience is the epitomy of what God is teaching me right now and I want this blog to be a place to encourage you to walk closely with God and to learn with me to trust Him completely.  So read - gasp - be encouraged or skip it all together.
To set the stage I want to briefly tell you a big big thing that I am learning.  There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.  Did you read that.  I think so much of my depression has been fueled by shame and condemnation for bad choices I have made in life.  I feel like a complete failure because I just can't seem to get it (just fill in the blank of it) right.  And in my pit of worthlessness that I have lived in the last few months I have felt more loved and valued that ever before.  I hope that makes sense because I could and will write a whole post about this as I process it more but this will do for now.
Since John is a contractor we have been on Cobra Insurance for the past 18 months.  In September, we applied for Individual Blue Health Insurance knowing we had until Jan 10 to get things squared away to have new insurance.  Well they sent me a letter and told me that I had to loose x amount of weight before they would cover me.  I had already started my diet so I knew I was on my way to losing the weight and I knew I had time to get it done.  All they needed was a fax from my doctor saying that I had lost the weight.  So I met my target weight the second week of December and we sent the fax in.  When John called to confirm they received it we found out that the boys had gone to a review board and they had to get more info from their doctors.  (because of their ocular albinism).  So John has been calling Blue Cross every other week day for 2 weeks checking for updates.  Sunday, at breakfast, John announced that if anybody was going to break an arm today was the day to do it because tomorrow we won't have insurance.  And yesterday he called - still in review. 
This morning at 4 am I awoke in sheer panic.  (Anxiety lives just around the corner from me these days and I have to fight really hard to keep it out of my home/heart) So I spent the next two hours bathing myself in God's word to no avial.  You see when things like this happen these days it feels like someone just took a baseball bat and literally beat me with it.  Shame, condemnation, shoulda, coulda, woulda's flood my mind.  But slowly I am learning that I am never gonna get this life right.  I am never gonna succed at having it together all the time.  But finally, God brought to mind something a sweet friend told me the other day.  The application that day is so different than today but the principle is the same.  He said "our children don't need perfect parents, they need broken ones who continually confess their sin to God and their children." This models our need for Jesus more than anything I can do or say for my children.  The reality is I am gonna fail my children and I need Jesus.  Well this morning, I realzied that Jesus knows I am gonna fail PERIOD.  And I need Him.  And this brought me comfort.  In fact is was HUGE for me.  The reason that there is no condemanation for those that are in Christ Jesus is that Jesus came because we can't get it right.  we are gonna fail.  We should have done it earlier - i should have lost my weight earlier - we should have forsaw this problem - but we didn't and here we are without insurance as a result of it.  Yes I agree with you that this is a big deal but right now I am learning that God is having to do things in my life in a BIG way to get my attention.  So at the end of about 3 hours of complete fear, anxiety, and shame I came before God and humbly prayed "Lord here I am again - in need of your help.  I am full of condemnation that is not from you.  So please calm my anxious heart and heal my unbelief.  Help me learn to trust in you.  Insurance is a wise thing to have but you are our great phycian.  I can not undo what has happened up until this point but will you please provide us with insurance and keep us safe until you do.  Help me trust in you and rest in you." 
Thankfully, I had planned to go see a friend today.  My first time with friends in a long long time.  It was so very encouraging  - a sweet gift from God.  But as I was driving home I could feel the anxiety creeping back in.  So I prayed again and ask God all the same things as above.  John sent me a text almost immediately saying he had just talked with Blue Cross and we were approved and will be covered completely starting Feb 1st. 
And here I am again - humbled by my loving Father.  Today was the day we would find out and that was no surprise to God.  But today, he chose to use this issue to teach me to more deeply trust in Him, depend on Him and fall on my face before Him. 

Yes, ’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

It is Well

I am officially a carpool mom now. Don't I look thrilled!!!

Jake started on Tuesday and did wonderful. His teacher seems so sweet. He loves her. Yesterday (day 2) he told John he wanted to do carpool like the other kids instead of dad walking him in. So John dropped him off. He said Jake looked at him and said "see you after school daddy" and "I love you Brady" - "have a good day" and out the door he went and never looked back. So he is doing really well. His biggest adjustment is the afternoons. He is exhausted when he gets home so it is very touchy around here that time of day right now. Last night he was a little out of his mind so momma took Brady on a date and Jake and dad (who is sick) watched a movie snuggled on the couch. It was good for everyone.

This is not a great picture but Brady was so giddy walking to his school I had to share it. Thankfully we found him an open spot at a preschool literally at the bottom of the hill from our house - about 1 mile from here. He was so excited to start school like his big brother.

We had to leave him crying but his teacher said it lasted for about 1 minute and then he had a blast. We took him to Krystals to celebrate with a Freeze. He kept saying "I am so happy I get to go to school" He sat down in my lap and said "I love my big school momma but I missed you" This kid knows how to melt my heart (among other things :)).

So as my post title alludes - It is well, I am well, we are well. God has been so very gracious to me. More and more as I walk with God I am learning to trust that He gives grace where grace is needed. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Words to Live By

I have been encouraged by several blogs I read to pick a word (or words) to focus on for the year. Some have picked one and a few have picked 2 or 3. They have spent extended time meditating on these words and applying them to their life in various ways. I decided to do this as well for 2010. I think this will help me focus on a few things. Right now when I look at our life I often get overwhelmed with the needs of my family. So I have spent time asking God for wisdom and words. The words I have settled on this year are:

Simple ..... Intentional ....... Health

So you will probably see these words in my post lots this year. I think they are very appropriate for our life right now.

I am also claiming a verse for our family this year. I have a very precious friend who has faithfully quoted this verse to me over and over during the last few months. She has prayed it for my life and every time she reminds me of it I have felt loved by my Father. I want to share more about this verse in the days to come but for now I want to just share the verse with you:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. "
Isaiah 43:18-19

I hope you are enjoying the beginning of a New Year with your loved ones.


Thank you all for the encouraging words from my last post. I really have felt your prayers. Aside from a few moments of anxiety here and there I am truly experiencing God's peace about this decision. And it has made me love my husband more. Submission truly is a beautiful thing - if only people truly understood what it is suppose to look like - but that is for another post. We will try to get him registered on Monday so that he can start with everyone else on Tuesday. So if you think of me on Monday and Tuesday PLEASE pray!!!!