Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus

I was not going to post this because several of you are sure to freak out and I was sinfully worried about confessing this out loud but this experience is the epitomy of what God is teaching me right now and I want this blog to be a place to encourage you to walk closely with God and to learn with me to trust Him completely.  So read - gasp - be encouraged or skip it all together.
To set the stage I want to briefly tell you a big big thing that I am learning.  There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.  Did you read that.  I think so much of my depression has been fueled by shame and condemnation for bad choices I have made in life.  I feel like a complete failure because I just can't seem to get it (just fill in the blank of it) right.  And in my pit of worthlessness that I have lived in the last few months I have felt more loved and valued that ever before.  I hope that makes sense because I could and will write a whole post about this as I process it more but this will do for now.
Since John is a contractor we have been on Cobra Insurance for the past 18 months.  In September, we applied for Individual Blue Health Insurance knowing we had until Jan 10 to get things squared away to have new insurance.  Well they sent me a letter and told me that I had to loose x amount of weight before they would cover me.  I had already started my diet so I knew I was on my way to losing the weight and I knew I had time to get it done.  All they needed was a fax from my doctor saying that I had lost the weight.  So I met my target weight the second week of December and we sent the fax in.  When John called to confirm they received it we found out that the boys had gone to a review board and they had to get more info from their doctors.  (because of their ocular albinism).  So John has been calling Blue Cross every other week day for 2 weeks checking for updates.  Sunday, at breakfast, John announced that if anybody was going to break an arm today was the day to do it because tomorrow we won't have insurance.  And yesterday he called - still in review. 
This morning at 4 am I awoke in sheer panic.  (Anxiety lives just around the corner from me these days and I have to fight really hard to keep it out of my home/heart) So I spent the next two hours bathing myself in God's word to no avial.  You see when things like this happen these days it feels like someone just took a baseball bat and literally beat me with it.  Shame, condemnation, shoulda, coulda, woulda's flood my mind.  But slowly I am learning that I am never gonna get this life right.  I am never gonna succed at having it together all the time.  But finally, God brought to mind something a sweet friend told me the other day.  The application that day is so different than today but the principle is the same.  He said "our children don't need perfect parents, they need broken ones who continually confess their sin to God and their children." This models our need for Jesus more than anything I can do or say for my children.  The reality is I am gonna fail my children and I need Jesus.  Well this morning, I realzied that Jesus knows I am gonna fail PERIOD.  And I need Him.  And this brought me comfort.  In fact is was HUGE for me.  The reason that there is no condemanation for those that are in Christ Jesus is that Jesus came because we can't get it right.  we are gonna fail.  We should have done it earlier - i should have lost my weight earlier - we should have forsaw this problem - but we didn't and here we are without insurance as a result of it.  Yes I agree with you that this is a big deal but right now I am learning that God is having to do things in my life in a BIG way to get my attention.  So at the end of about 3 hours of complete fear, anxiety, and shame I came before God and humbly prayed "Lord here I am again - in need of your help.  I am full of condemnation that is not from you.  So please calm my anxious heart and heal my unbelief.  Help me learn to trust in you.  Insurance is a wise thing to have but you are our great phycian.  I can not undo what has happened up until this point but will you please provide us with insurance and keep us safe until you do.  Help me trust in you and rest in you." 
Thankfully, I had planned to go see a friend today.  My first time with friends in a long long time.  It was so very encouraging  - a sweet gift from God.  But as I was driving home I could feel the anxiety creeping back in.  So I prayed again and ask God all the same things as above.  John sent me a text almost immediately saying he had just talked with Blue Cross and we were approved and will be covered completely starting Feb 1st. 
And here I am again - humbled by my loving Father.  Today was the day we would find out and that was no surprise to God.  But today, he chose to use this issue to teach me to more deeply trust in Him, depend on Him and fall on my face before Him. 

Yes, ’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.


April Brown said...

It's so interesting, encouraging even, how the Lord continues to push us to our very breaking point and then supplies our every need! Encouraging because I know He wants me to know Him, trust Him and truly believe that He is exactly who He says He is! Only His children get to experience this kind of peace and intimacy...what a privilege!!

I know it is not by chance that this happens...it is truly by His design.

LOVE YOU!!! and, in the words of Brett Jones, "PTL" about insurance coverage!

Jill said...

Confessing anxiety to some extent here too! I have been having to constantly give it to God multiple times a day, because I know our lives are about to change forever and I have absolutely no control over it at all. I have no way to plan my church substitutes, explain to my boss when I need off, figure out where we are going to stay in GA through out this adoption, get my house in order for another addition. UGH! Anyway, thanks for encouraging me today! I love you and thank goodness we are failures and have a Savior that can solve anything and knows what will happen tomorrow before we can even try to plan it. Life goes on whether we are ready for it our not. BTW, So happy you have insurance now!

Nikki said...

you know Amy, Em T. always reminds me of the need for us to be "broken" and not "perfect" I believe that our kids need that, but so does everyone else! I love you tons thanks for sharing your heart and your struggles! it's always good to know that I am not alone!

robert said...

Did you ever notice the words of First John 3:20, "If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things (NKJV)"? In other words, even on those days when we are too hard on ourselves, God doesn't evaluate us on the basis of how we happen to feel that day. He knows all about us, and "He remembers that we are dust" (Ps. 103:14).

Your blog caught my eye because of the quotation of Louisa Stead's gospel song. If you enjoy reading about our hymns and their authors, I invite you to check out my daily blog on the subject, Wordwise Hymns. Meanwhile, I trust that the Lord will give you a measure of His peace and joy today.