Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Change of Plans

John has decided that we are putting Jake in public school kindergarten and Brady will go to a preschool program. We have had this discussion several times throughout this fall. As my husband and the leader of our family he has struggled with this decision - more than I knew. Up until this fall he has completely supported my decision to home school our children. And then the weight of 11 moves in 6 years fell in my lap with FULL force. I have not wanted to put the kids in school. I have very specific reasons why. And when he told me on Wednesday that he had prayerfully made his decision and it was not up for discussion the full weight of this fall fell on my lap. (Please don't be upset with John - this is the first time in 9 years of marriage that I have had to step out and trust my husband to lead our family when we weren't in agreeance. I firmly believe in submitting to my husband and trusting my God with the results)
I spent most of the day in wretched tears. I felt like a complete failure. That night as I began to settle down and process it was as if God flashed a timeline before my eyes of the last few years leading up to this point. And in that moment I knew this was the best decision. I am not saying I was excited or that I want this to be forever - but for now it is ok. Here is what I know:
1. I am broken right now. Really broken. All that I have known of myself has been brought into question as I lay before my Father. My strengths have become my weaknesses. I look at my life and I don't see much good in it right now. I don't feel like I have much at all to bring to the table. All that I use to trust in has slowly been stripped away from me this year. The walls have crumbled and left me in pieces. For a while during this process that was really scary. Some days it still can be. But now, most of the time it has brought the most freedom I have ever experienced. In this place of brokenness, I have never felt more loved and more unworthy of that love.
2. I haven't trusted God. I have not been a part of my children's journey to knowing God. I have bore complete responsibility for that journey. My intentions were good but still sinful. Somewhere along the way I forgot - or maybe I didn't really ever know - that God was way more committed to my kids than me. They belong to him - they were created to worship him and bring him glory and He will see that to fruition. When John told me this the other day he said "before God you are my first priority above our children and I trust God to care for our kids even in public school while you take time to heal and be restored" I realized that I didn't trust God for that. This will be a process for me.
3. My children need me to be their momma more than their teacher. Right now I have learned through this brokenness that I don't have much at all in me. In all reality, I can't do it right now. And my first priority to my kids is to be their mom. Right now, that is all I can work on and I am learning to trust God that this is enough.

There is lots more I want to say. I am still processing this with a very heavy heart. This has brought my struggles to an even greater degree of reality. I am convinced that God has brought me to this place. He is pruning away the dead limbs in my life so that I may grow and be healthy. Pruning hurts but it is necessary.
I must say that Laura Story's CD has ministered to my heart like nothing else during the last few months. As I sat down to write this I began listening to Bless the Lord. Here are the lyrics:

You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that’s in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power un- told
not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Here are some ways you can pray for me right now:
1. Pray that my heart stays soft toward John - that I trust God and trust John's walk with God.
2. Pray for John - pray for peace and wisdom as he leads our family through this. We don't know yet for how long this will be.
3. Pray for Jake and Brady to adjust well.
4. Pray that God's overwhelming peace will fill my heart.
5. Pray that all that's in me will bless the Lord

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

May your Christmas be full of


Fun time with those you love most

Lots of memories to cherish for years to come

and Laughter, lots of laughter!!!

I am thankful that Jesus came to give me life - abundant life.

Merry Christmas from the Cook's
We love you all!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Brady's Going Under

Brady will be having surgery this Thursday. He is having his adenoids removed and tubes put in his ears. We had thought he would be getting tonsils out but doc wants to go with just this to start with. We are doing it now because we change insurance the first of the year and they won't cover it for a year. Thankfully we don't have the recovery time like we would if it were tonsils.

As you know he is our wild and crazy people person. This weekend we have about 17 people coming to our house for Christmas. So please pray he has a speedy and smooth recovery and the battles to keep him not so wild and crazy are minimal.

Please pray that the surgery goes well and that we will be getting much more RESTFUL sleep after this. Pray for me this week too please. I don't have a ton to do for the weekend but this is a hard time for me and this surgery throws just a bit of a kink in the week. Thankfully I have a dear sweet AMAZING husband who is all hands on deck.
Thanks for your prayers

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I Slept

Last night I slept without the help of meds. It is the first time in a few weeks that I have had a full nights sleep without sleep aids of some sort. Thank you for praying for me and please keep doing so.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A Good Man

God blessed me with a good man!!!!
I have not been sleeping. It has gotten pretty bad this week and as a result very little got done in this house last week while he was in NY. I am guessing that if you have read my blog for any time you have gotten that I am really struggling with depression right now. A dear friend and my doctor put me on an anti depressant 2 weeks ago. I was told it would take some time to work and in the mean time my sleep issue have worsened - thus all of the other issues that go along with depression or just plain sleep deprivation. Yes I have good days and rays of hope sprinkled in among the dreadful days. Last night I took something to help me sleep and when I got up at 10:30ish this morning John was doing laundry and getting the boys dressed to go buy groceries.
When he got home from grocery shopping I told him that I was thankful but that my pride reared its head and that I felt like he saw me as a failure right now who is not capable of doing my job. He kissed me on the head, smiled and said "I think you are perfectly capable. I think you are having a hard time and you are my wife and I love you and I want to help and to take care of you. - that is all this is."
Thank you God for this blessing!!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Seasons are good!!!

I think it is very sweet of the Lord to create seasons. What a perfect physical representation of our lives. Sometimes when we are in the midst of something we can not see an end. But God promises us that this too shall pass. On rare occasions we don't experience this passing this side of eternity but for most of us the seasons pass, both the good ones and the bad. When I moved back here a dear friend told me that she believes in physical representations of the spiritual things that God is doing in our lives. This move for me was a new start in so many ways. But I can't say that it has been fresh. In fact, it has been quite dark and dreary for me. And I have found myself struggling to have hope. Hope that God has not abandoned me, hope that He did not lie to me when He said this too shall pass, hope that this wretchedness that I feel is not without purpose, hope that He who began a good work in me will carry it out and that one day - this side of heaven or not - I will not feel this dark and dreary weight on my shoulders. And then the season changed.
I know it is not actually winter yet but we have a tradition that the weekend after Thanksgiving every year we decorate for Christmas. When we moved here I told John that I wanted to seasonally decorate. I committed to doing it very frugal but doing it nonetheless. In my last post I said the living room looked bare because I had taken everything down. All of our Fall decor - curtains, paintings, candles, pillows, etc. went away until next year. Tonight I have been making the winter curtains for the living room. I had NO idea how much God would use something as simple as seasonal decorating to minister to my soul like it has tonight. Now when I walk into my living room I see it with fresh eyes. It is not the same old same old. And every time I come down that hall I smile. Sure it is beautiful but I hope you see it is soooo much more than that. It is HOPEFUL!!! It is a simple reminder to me that the seasons change, they pass. So right now I am sitting in my living room enjoying my new look and thanking God that He is a God of hope. I would love for you to come enjoy the new season with me!!! Really!!!

some of you may be wondering how i am making curtains and decorating for Christmas feeling the way I do. I must say that I made a commitment to myself a few months ago to do at least a little of the things that I love even if I don't love doing them right now. In the past, God has used my creativity as an outlet for rest and healing and I wanted to keep this door open even if it was forced for the time. And once again, He has used the simple things in life to minister greatly to my heart. Tonight was exactly why I kept doing it.