Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Change of Plans

John has decided that we are putting Jake in public school kindergarten and Brady will go to a preschool program. We have had this discussion several times throughout this fall. As my husband and the leader of our family he has struggled with this decision - more than I knew. Up until this fall he has completely supported my decision to home school our children. And then the weight of 11 moves in 6 years fell in my lap with FULL force. I have not wanted to put the kids in school. I have very specific reasons why. And when he told me on Wednesday that he had prayerfully made his decision and it was not up for discussion the full weight of this fall fell on my lap. (Please don't be upset with John - this is the first time in 9 years of marriage that I have had to step out and trust my husband to lead our family when we weren't in agreeance. I firmly believe in submitting to my husband and trusting my God with the results)
I spent most of the day in wretched tears. I felt like a complete failure. That night as I began to settle down and process it was as if God flashed a timeline before my eyes of the last few years leading up to this point. And in that moment I knew this was the best decision. I am not saying I was excited or that I want this to be forever - but for now it is ok. Here is what I know:
1. I am broken right now. Really broken. All that I have known of myself has been brought into question as I lay before my Father. My strengths have become my weaknesses. I look at my life and I don't see much good in it right now. I don't feel like I have much at all to bring to the table. All that I use to trust in has slowly been stripped away from me this year. The walls have crumbled and left me in pieces. For a while during this process that was really scary. Some days it still can be. But now, most of the time it has brought the most freedom I have ever experienced. In this place of brokenness, I have never felt more loved and more unworthy of that love.
2. I haven't trusted God. I have not been a part of my children's journey to knowing God. I have bore complete responsibility for that journey. My intentions were good but still sinful. Somewhere along the way I forgot - or maybe I didn't really ever know - that God was way more committed to my kids than me. They belong to him - they were created to worship him and bring him glory and He will see that to fruition. When John told me this the other day he said "before God you are my first priority above our children and I trust God to care for our kids even in public school while you take time to heal and be restored" I realized that I didn't trust God for that. This will be a process for me.
3. My children need me to be their momma more than their teacher. Right now I have learned through this brokenness that I don't have much at all in me. In all reality, I can't do it right now. And my first priority to my kids is to be their mom. Right now, that is all I can work on and I am learning to trust God that this is enough.

There is lots more I want to say. I am still processing this with a very heavy heart. This has brought my struggles to an even greater degree of reality. I am convinced that God has brought me to this place. He is pruning away the dead limbs in my life so that I may grow and be healthy. Pruning hurts but it is necessary.
I must say that Laura Story's CD has ministered to my heart like nothing else during the last few months. As I sat down to write this I began listening to Bless the Lord. Here are the lyrics:

You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that’s in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power un- told
not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Here are some ways you can pray for me right now:
1. Pray that my heart stays soft toward John - that I trust God and trust John's walk with God.
2. Pray for John - pray for peace and wisdom as he leads our family through this. We don't know yet for how long this will be.
3. Pray for Jake and Brady to adjust well.
4. Pray that God's overwhelming peace will fill my heart.
5. Pray that all that's in me will bless the Lord


Shana said...

amy, I am encouraged by your willingness to trust the Lord, and your vulnerability in your struggle. I will be praying for you, friend.

love you!

Lindsey said...

praying for you!

April Brown said...

I have been praying. Please know that you don't have to walk through this alone...I know with depression it seems "easier" to be alone but really I am here for whatever you need!

love you!

Shelley said...

I am proud of John for making this declaration. I know that was not easy for him because he knows all too well your desire to school the boys. But he did it for you and that is beautiful. I will be praying.

Danny and Jennifer White said...

Will pray Amy

Jill said...

One of the positives that I never really thought about public school that I think you need to hear right now is that you will be there when your kids come home when they have things that the world throws at them, you will be there to guide them, encourage them, use this experience as a teaching tool. You will be there as their mom, as you stated that you need to be. As long as you make it a habit to discuss their days and what happened, take an interest in them and their experiences, and really listen to what happened to them that day, then this experience will be good. Use this time as a life experience teaching tool. I love you and I still am struggling with what direction we need to go in. Your children are in God's hands regardless of the avenue you take, you just have take daily time to talk about our Lord and Savior with them and he will honor that just hold on to Deut 11:19. Trust God and John, Love you!

Jessie said...

Amy - I will pray for your peace during this time. Remember that the Lord is much bigger than any "public school" and that His desires will be accomplished in their lives not matter what you are "successfully" doing or not doing. And you never ever know, they could get an amazingly tenderhearted believer for a teacher - who might bless their little hearts more than you could ask for! AND for some children, its exactly what they need (my #2 for example, is thriving there!). The Lord has different plans for us all - and creatively weaves each of our stories, all the while being more faithful than we can realize. So trust Him for peace! And will pray for much restoration for you, too, during this time!

Donna said...

So glad you are letting go and letting God lead the leader of your family. None of us know our futures beyond the next step- and that's how we walk day to day- ONE STEP at a time. It sounds like God has shown you the next step- walk with confidence. Praying for you still.

Jenny said...

I have no doubt that God will honor your willingness to follow His design in marriage and to follow your husband. Only He can know how He is guiding your lives through this. God is bigger than any type of schooling and it committed and faithful to your children. Will pray for peace for you both and healing during this time for you. What a wonderful thing to have a husband who loves you enough to lead and protect your family as the Lord leads! Hang in there!

Angie Davis said...

um, yeah, what all of them said! i thought i may have a few words of encouragement, but it's all been said. you have dear friends. and a great husband!

Holly S. said...

Amy, I'm so proud of John for taking this stand and making a decision that he feels will ultimately be best for you. I trust and respect my husband so much but when he has to make hard decisions that are in my best interest for me I just fall in love with him all over again. Something attractive about a husband who does this! Not that it's easy at first to submit! I've seen John grow so much over the years and I am so thankful that you have him as your husband. He is so good for you. This decision will also free up some time for you to keep focused on your health which ultimately is great for your kids too.

Parks Avenue said...

Praying for you friend! It is not easy to trust God, it should be, because He is oh so faithful, but our sin gets in the way and ultimately it makes it hard for us to really trust Him! I really look forward to seeing how He works this chapter out in your life. I'm glad John is stepping in and trusting Him for the both of you. God is gonna bless you guys! Paige is in public kindergarten and Annalee in preschool, and it has given us such a connection to our communtiy as well. You're gonna be involved in their lives. It's a given! I've watched the Lord use my children and their knowledge of who the Lord is, to change lives, even as little children! The Lord is so much bigger than we give Him cresit for and I really think this decision is gonna be so good for you in this part of your life! We will continue to pray!