Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus

I was not going to post this because several of you are sure to freak out and I was sinfully worried about confessing this out loud but this experience is the epitomy of what God is teaching me right now and I want this blog to be a place to encourage you to walk closely with God and to learn with me to trust Him completely.  So read - gasp - be encouraged or skip it all together.
To set the stage I want to briefly tell you a big big thing that I am learning.  There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.  Did you read that.  I think so much of my depression has been fueled by shame and condemnation for bad choices I have made in life.  I feel like a complete failure because I just can't seem to get it (just fill in the blank of it) right.  And in my pit of worthlessness that I have lived in the last few months I have felt more loved and valued that ever before.  I hope that makes sense because I could and will write a whole post about this as I process it more but this will do for now.
Since John is a contractor we have been on Cobra Insurance for the past 18 months.  In September, we applied for Individual Blue Health Insurance knowing we had until Jan 10 to get things squared away to have new insurance.  Well they sent me a letter and told me that I had to loose x amount of weight before they would cover me.  I had already started my diet so I knew I was on my way to losing the weight and I knew I had time to get it done.  All they needed was a fax from my doctor saying that I had lost the weight.  So I met my target weight the second week of December and we sent the fax in.  When John called to confirm they received it we found out that the boys had gone to a review board and they had to get more info from their doctors.  (because of their ocular albinism).  So John has been calling Blue Cross every other week day for 2 weeks checking for updates.  Sunday, at breakfast, John announced that if anybody was going to break an arm today was the day to do it because tomorrow we won't have insurance.  And yesterday he called - still in review. 
This morning at 4 am I awoke in sheer panic.  (Anxiety lives just around the corner from me these days and I have to fight really hard to keep it out of my home/heart) So I spent the next two hours bathing myself in God's word to no avial.  You see when things like this happen these days it feels like someone just took a baseball bat and literally beat me with it.  Shame, condemnation, shoulda, coulda, woulda's flood my mind.  But slowly I am learning that I am never gonna get this life right.  I am never gonna succed at having it together all the time.  But finally, God brought to mind something a sweet friend told me the other day.  The application that day is so different than today but the principle is the same.  He said "our children don't need perfect parents, they need broken ones who continually confess their sin to God and their children." This models our need for Jesus more than anything I can do or say for my children.  The reality is I am gonna fail my children and I need Jesus.  Well this morning, I realzied that Jesus knows I am gonna fail PERIOD.  And I need Him.  And this brought me comfort.  In fact is was HUGE for me.  The reason that there is no condemanation for those that are in Christ Jesus is that Jesus came because we can't get it right.  we are gonna fail.  We should have done it earlier - i should have lost my weight earlier - we should have forsaw this problem - but we didn't and here we are without insurance as a result of it.  Yes I agree with you that this is a big deal but right now I am learning that God is having to do things in my life in a BIG way to get my attention.  So at the end of about 3 hours of complete fear, anxiety, and shame I came before God and humbly prayed "Lord here I am again - in need of your help.  I am full of condemnation that is not from you.  So please calm my anxious heart and heal my unbelief.  Help me learn to trust in you.  Insurance is a wise thing to have but you are our great phycian.  I can not undo what has happened up until this point but will you please provide us with insurance and keep us safe until you do.  Help me trust in you and rest in you." 
Thankfully, I had planned to go see a friend today.  My first time with friends in a long long time.  It was so very encouraging  - a sweet gift from God.  But as I was driving home I could feel the anxiety creeping back in.  So I prayed again and ask God all the same things as above.  John sent me a text almost immediately saying he had just talked with Blue Cross and we were approved and will be covered completely starting Feb 1st. 
And here I am again - humbled by my loving Father.  Today was the day we would find out and that was no surprise to God.  But today, he chose to use this issue to teach me to more deeply trust in Him, depend on Him and fall on my face before Him. 

Yes, ’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

It is Well

I am officially a carpool mom now. Don't I look thrilled!!!


Jake started on Tuesday and did wonderful. His teacher seems so sweet. He loves her. Yesterday (day 2) he told John he wanted to do carpool like the other kids instead of dad walking him in. So John dropped him off. He said Jake looked at him and said "see you after school daddy" and "I love you Brady" - "have a good day" and out the door he went and never looked back. So he is doing really well. His biggest adjustment is the afternoons. He is exhausted when he gets home so it is very touchy around here that time of day right now. Last night he was a little out of his mind so momma took Brady on a date and Jake and dad (who is sick) watched a movie snuggled on the couch. It was good for everyone.


This is not a great picture but Brady was so giddy walking to his school I had to share it. Thankfully we found him an open spot at a preschool literally at the bottom of the hill from our house - about 1 mile from here. He was so excited to start school like his big brother.



We had to leave him crying but his teacher said it lasted for about 1 minute and then he had a blast. We took him to Krystals to celebrate with a Freeze. He kept saying "I am so happy I get to go to school" He sat down in my lap and said "I love my big school momma but I missed you" This kid knows how to melt my heart (among other things :)).

So as my post title alludes - It is well, I am well, we are well. God has been so very gracious to me. More and more as I walk with God I am learning to trust that He gives grace where grace is needed. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words.

Words to Live By

I have been encouraged by several blogs I read to pick a word (or words) to focus on for the year. Some have picked one and a few have picked 2 or 3. They have spent extended time meditating on these words and applying them to their life in various ways. I decided to do this as well for 2010. I think this will help me focus on a few things. Right now when I look at our life I often get overwhelmed with the needs of my family. So I have spent time asking God for wisdom and words. The words I have settled on this year are:

Simple ..... Intentional ....... Health

So you will probably see these words in my post lots this year. I think they are very appropriate for our life right now.

I am also claiming a verse for our family this year. I have a very precious friend who has faithfully quoted this verse to me over and over during the last few months. She has prayed it for my life and every time she reminds me of it I have felt loved by my Father. I want to share more about this verse in the days to come but for now I want to just share the verse with you:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. "
Isaiah 43:18-19

I hope you are enjoying the beginning of a New Year with your loved ones.

Thanks

Thank you all for the encouraging words from my last post. I really have felt your prayers. Aside from a few moments of anxiety here and there I am truly experiencing God's peace about this decision. And it has made me love my husband more. Submission truly is a beautiful thing - if only people truly understood what it is suppose to look like - but that is for another post. We will try to get him registered on Monday so that he can start with everyone else on Tuesday. So if you think of me on Monday and Tuesday PLEASE pray!!!!

A Change of Plans

John has decided that we are putting Jake in public school kindergarten and Brady will go to a preschool program. We have had this discussion several times throughout this fall. As my husband and the leader of our family he has struggled with this decision - more than I knew. Up until this fall he has completely supported my decision to home school our children. And then the weight of 11 moves in 6 years fell in my lap with FULL force. I have not wanted to put the kids in school. I have very specific reasons why. And when he told me on Wednesday that he had prayerfully made his decision and it was not up for discussion the full weight of this fall fell on my lap. (Please don't be upset with John - this is the first time in 9 years of marriage that I have had to step out and trust my husband to lead our family when we weren't in agreeance. I firmly believe in submitting to my husband and trusting my God with the results)
I spent most of the day in wretched tears. I felt like a complete failure. That night as I began to settle down and process it was as if God flashed a timeline before my eyes of the last few years leading up to this point. And in that moment I knew this was the best decision. I am not saying I was excited or that I want this to be forever - but for now it is ok. Here is what I know:
1. I am broken right now. Really broken. All that I have known of myself has been brought into question as I lay before my Father. My strengths have become my weaknesses. I look at my life and I don't see much good in it right now. I don't feel like I have much at all to bring to the table. All that I use to trust in has slowly been stripped away from me this year. The walls have crumbled and left me in pieces. For a while during this process that was really scary. Some days it still can be. But now, most of the time it has brought the most freedom I have ever experienced. In this place of brokenness, I have never felt more loved and more unworthy of that love.
2. I haven't trusted God. I have not been a part of my children's journey to knowing God. I have bore complete responsibility for that journey. My intentions were good but still sinful. Somewhere along the way I forgot - or maybe I didn't really ever know - that God was way more committed to my kids than me. They belong to him - they were created to worship him and bring him glory and He will see that to fruition. When John told me this the other day he said "before God you are my first priority above our children and I trust God to care for our kids even in public school while you take time to heal and be restored" I realized that I didn't trust God for that. This will be a process for me.
3. My children need me to be their momma more than their teacher. Right now I have learned through this brokenness that I don't have much at all in me. In all reality, I can't do it right now. And my first priority to my kids is to be their mom. Right now, that is all I can work on and I am learning to trust God that this is enough.

There is lots more I want to say. I am still processing this with a very heavy heart. This has brought my struggles to an even greater degree of reality. I am convinced that God has brought me to this place. He is pruning away the dead limbs in my life so that I may grow and be healthy. Pruning hurts but it is necessary.
I must say that Laura Story's CD has ministered to my heart like nothing else during the last few months. As I sat down to write this I began listening to Bless the Lord. Here are the lyrics:

You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that’s in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power un- told
not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Here are some ways you can pray for me right now:
1. Pray that my heart stays soft toward John - that I trust God and trust John's walk with God.
2. Pray for John - pray for peace and wisdom as he leads our family through this. We don't know yet for how long this will be.
3. Pray for Jake and Brady to adjust well.
4. Pray that God's overwhelming peace will fill my heart.
5. Pray that all that's in me will bless the Lord

Seasons are good!!!

I think it is very sweet of the Lord to create seasons. What a perfect physical representation of our lives. Sometimes when we are in the midst of something we can not see an end. But God promises us that this too shall pass. On rare occasions we don't experience this passing this side of eternity but for most of us the seasons pass, both the good ones and the bad. When I moved back here a dear friend told me that she believes in physical representations of the spiritual things that God is doing in our lives. This move for me was a new start in so many ways. But I can't say that it has been fresh. In fact, it has been quite dark and dreary for me. And I have found myself struggling to have hope. Hope that God has not abandoned me, hope that He did not lie to me when He said this too shall pass, hope that this wretchedness that I feel is not without purpose, hope that He who began a good work in me will carry it out and that one day - this side of heaven or not - I will not feel this dark and dreary weight on my shoulders. And then the season changed.
I know it is not actually winter yet but we have a tradition that the weekend after Thanksgiving every year we decorate for Christmas. When we moved here I told John that I wanted to seasonally decorate. I committed to doing it very frugal but doing it nonetheless. In my last post I said the living room looked bare because I had taken everything down. All of our Fall decor - curtains, paintings, candles, pillows, etc. went away until next year. Tonight I have been making the winter curtains for the living room. I had NO idea how much God would use something as simple as seasonal decorating to minister to my soul like it has tonight. Now when I walk into my living room I see it with fresh eyes. It is not the same old same old. And every time I come down that hall I smile. Sure it is beautiful but I hope you see it is soooo much more than that. It is HOPEFUL!!! It is a simple reminder to me that the seasons change, they pass. So right now I am sitting in my living room enjoying my new look and thanking God that He is a God of hope. I would love for you to come enjoy the new season with me!!! Really!!!

some of you may be wondering how i am making curtains and decorating for Christmas feeling the way I do. I must say that I made a commitment to myself a few months ago to do at least a little of the things that I love even if I don't love doing them right now. In the past, God has used my creativity as an outlet for rest and healing and I wanted to keep this door open even if it was forced for the time. And once again, He has used the simple things in life to minister greatly to my heart. Tonight was exactly why I kept doing it.

The Holidays

I had great expectations for the holidays this year. I "NEEDED" to make them happen. I needed to follow through with all my thought out plans and new traditions that I want to do. These are not extravagant ideas - in fact I think they will make the holidays much more simple, magical and meaningful in the end. But most of them take initial work and preparation on the front end. And well, I have spent the better of the last month and half fighting to stay off the couch - honestly some days I don't even fight. So I have decided that I will finish my Jesse Tree Ornaments this year (starting this weekend) and that will be the only special addition to our holiday seasons. I am trying to use the energy and what little ability I have to make and hold complete thoughts to get our family settled into life and routine for the beginning of the year. So I have decided that I will lower my expectations for this season and enjoy my family.
This move has created in me a renewed heart for my home. Not the physical place as much as what it encompasses. John and I have survived for a long time and we are ready to settle and thrive and I want our home life to be a haven for all who live here. Simple and intentional are the words that resonate with me these days. So hopefully if I can plan for January then I will be ahead of the game instead of frantically playing catchup. My hope is this will set me on a course to have a fruitful, simple and intentional year with my family. Soon I hope we are thriving again - not sure again is appropriate here because John and I aren't sure we have thrived since we had children.

The Truth

There is so much I want to say. I think most of you knew there was more to this move than John's job. It is true. This is the best decision for his job - to be in a bigger city and close to an airport. But the main reason we are moving back to Bham is me. When we first made the decision I was so afraid of saying something that might hurt the people in Reform. But since we made this decision I have received nothing but love and understanding from them even though they have no idea why. I love those people - our family. But for this time in our life I need to be in a place that fosters healing in my life. I have some very dear heart friends in Birmingham and older women who have invested their lives in me in the past that can help me walk through this very hard time in my life.

This summer the walls came crashing down in my life. The accumulation of the last 6 years of moves and starting over, along with other things, caught up with me in so many ways. Spiritually, emotionally and even physically I feel like I fell apart. God has brought me to a place of brokenness that I have never experienced before. I feel like the last 5 weeks since returning from NY (without John) that God has graciously wrapped a rope around me holding me together. Many times it begins to unwind and the floodgates of emotions take over (if you know me you know I not super emotional). But ever so gently He has pulled me back in - not by any act of mine. I am not sure what God has in store for me in the coming months but this week I met with a dear sweet friend who spoke such truth into my life that I actually begin to believe it. She told me that she believes in the physical representation of the spiritual things that God does in our lives. God used NY to literally bring me to the end of my rope in so so many ways but this move represents all things new. A new start, a new me - "if any one is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come." Sometimes, most times, it takes God years and years - a lifetime - to remove that old and sometimes it is simple and other times it is drastic. For me this is a drastic removal of the old in my life. This "pruning" is very painful but it makes me know that my Daddy loves me and He desires nothing to rival Him for my affection.

Like I said earlier, there is much I want to say but for now this is enough. It is not hard for me to be an open book - I always have been. But for now please just pray for healing in my life. Pray that quickly I feel "settled" in Bham. John and I both are very weary and though we can't say we will never move again we do feel like we will be here for a while. I must confess that this is just as hard for me to believe as it is for some of you. But we have arrived - we are done. Our "adventurous spirit" has been quenched. So life begins outside of survival mode. Please pray that I learn how to live outside of survival mode soon.
Those of you that have called or sent emails - thank you so much. I think as mom's we so struggle asking people for help. But I know that God intends for us as believers to be His hands and feet not only to the lost but to our brothers and sisters. I need my friends right now more than ever - people who love me and people who can love my children when I don't seem to be doing such a good job at that these days.
I believe God allowed events to happen in my life that brought me to this place of brokenness and I believe that He will see me through this - I believe this because His word says so
Psalm 66:10-12
¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
¹¹ You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
¹² You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

Ezekiel 34:26
I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing.

Enough for now....