A Good Man

God blessed me with a good man!!!!
I have not been sleeping. It has gotten pretty bad this week and as a result very little got done in this house last week while he was in NY. I am guessing that if you have read my blog for any time you have gotten that I am really struggling with depression right now. A dear friend and my doctor put me on an anti depressant 2 weeks ago. I was told it would take some time to work and in the mean time my sleep issue have worsened - thus all of the other issues that go along with depression or just plain sleep deprivation. Yes I have good days and rays of hope sprinkled in among the dreadful days. Last night I took something to help me sleep and when I got up at 10:30ish this morning John was doing laundry and getting the boys dressed to go buy groceries.
When he got home from grocery shopping I told him that I was thankful but that my pride reared its head and that I felt like he saw me as a failure right now who is not capable of doing my job. He kissed me on the head, smiled and said "I think you are perfectly capable. I think you are having a hard time and you are my wife and I love you and I want to help and to take care of you. - that is all this is."
Thank you God for this blessing!!!!

The Climb

Tuesday, on the Biggest Loser I hear Miley Cyrus's The Climb for the first time and man it resonated deep within me. 55 days ago I took a major step forward in my commitment to health in all areas of my life. That night I told John that I was so afraid. Never in my life have I wanted something so bad - to be healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. All three areas have taken drastic hits in the last few years. But I know that this was God's doing. He is in pursuit of my heart - all of it.
I don't have to be skinny for that to happen nor do I have to be a spiritual "giant" for that to happen. But I have dug for myself broken cistern's that do not hold water and no matter how much I keep pouring in they NEVER get full. And as a result of my trying my heart, my mind and my body are a wreck!!!!
My fear 55 days ago was that it would not happen. That I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't lose my weight, I couldn't deal with the idols of my heart, that I couldn't be happy. And yes I know that I don't have to do it on my own - this was part of my great epiphany this summer. But commitment and discipline and effort were necessary on my part and I was afraid that I could not do it. DEATHLY AFRAID!!!
There is that voice in my head that she talks about in her song. And the last 2 weeks I have hit a really hard "mountain." And in my frustration I told John that just as I got going here I am faced with another setback. But when I heard her song I realized that this will be a life long journey for me. The last 2 weeks have been really hard for me (thyroid issues again) and I have struggled but the "click" in my head has happened. I am moving forward very slowly but I am moving!!! In 55 days I have lost 30 some odd pounds and I am facing the issues of my heart head on. Last night after hearing this song I settled into the fact that it won't be over in a year - not even close. But I am here and I am in it for life.

Health Update

Thanks again for all your prayers. The Cook house continues to be in survival mode. I have been up at the church almost every day the last 2 weeks getting ready for VBS. This is why no update. I have had lots of swelling but only a few hive outbreaks the last few weeks and THANKFULLY they are coming and going rather than lingering. I haven't been back to my Immunologist yet but I did see my OBGYYN yesterday for my yearly. He is the sweet doc that diagnosed my hypothyroidism a little over a year ago. So he spent about 1 hour in my room with me yesterday talking to me about all of this stuff. I of course left a tad overwhelmed. I want to share with you the rundown because I would love for you to pray for me specifically. If you get to much info well I am sorry. I am a married women and it should be a given that I have sex so there you go :):)

My doctor told me not to get pregnant in at least the next 6 months. He said that with my body so out of whack that a pregnancy would only decrease my immune system even more and potentially exacerbate the problem. (this is ok because we want to wait about 1 year anyway) BUT....
Because of all the "stuff" going on with me I can't be on a hormone of any kind - no pill. He wants to make sure that I don't have a latex allergy (apparently people can have a slight allergy to latex and it be ok - except for me right now - any slight allergy is making my body go berserk) so he did blood work and we will know in a week. If I don't have the latex allergy then we will just have to use condoms as our BC of choice but if I do have the latex allergy my sweet doc said "well we will just talk about what to do with this situation next week: :)
Don't get pregnant - Don't use the pill - Don't use a condom - Family Planning????? Does it really work???
Because I have antibodies to my thyroid I am at a great risk of miscarrying when I do get pregnant again. He said that if I were to get pregnant in the next 6 months to call him as soon as the stick changes colors and get in to see him. It appears that with autoimmune disorders your body may recognize the baby as a foreign object and attack it. He said that many women carry babies full term as long as my antibody levels are monitored very closely. He ideally wants me to see him after all of my crazy other stuff levels off and talk with him before we start trying to get pregnant so that he is monitoring it before hand.

For those of you that are praying please pray:
1. I don't have a latex allergy
2. God would not allow me to get pregnant right now - I firmly believe that His plan is perfect but he says to ask and you shall receive. I soooo want more children but I pray that His timing is not now.
3. Pray that if I do get pregnant God would please protect the baby
4. Pray that God would give me strength and endurance to deal with all the craziness that is going on with my body.

I am trying really hard to live life. Most days are ok. Yesterday I had several joints that were swollen bad and so I had to take my goofy pills. I was out at 7:30 last night. Those things knock me off my rocker but some days they are necessary.

I really long to write about something other than my health really soon!!!

Diagnosis

Talk to the doctor today. He said I have Hashimoto's Disease. It is an autoimmune disorder in which my body builds up antibodies to my thyroid. I had already been diagnosed with hypothyroidism so I will continue on my meds for that but it will apparently have to be monitored more closely. I ask the doctor what this means regarding my hives and swelling. His response was "well lets give the antihistamine regimen a month before we talk about chemo options." So i don't have cancer but chemo may be in the cards....who knows. I go back in 3 weeks and he said we would talk more there - wait and see what happens with my antihistamines. Anyway, thanks for your prayers and please continue to pray for God to heal my body - specifically of these swellings. I haven't had one in a few days but today I took the boys to the zoo. Before I left this morning my head and neck were really itchy. While at the zoo my lip began to swell so we had to cut our trip short because I don't keep my medication with me. My doc told me to take my heavy meds when my face swells to make sure my throat doesn't close up. There is no way I can operate heavy machinery or watch Brady while taking it. Thankfully we have a season pass.

Crazy Crazy Crazy!!!

So a few nights ago begin a bout of sleepless nights that started with a complete crying fit all because of the movie PS I Love You. Here has been my crazy crazy emotional week - find humor in it! -
The end of last week I saw an immunologist about my crazy hives stuff. He was absolutely wonderful by the way. He is running a whole host of blood works on me to try to determine what is going on but also prefaced me with the fact that 90% of the people that experience what is going on with me don't know what causes it and just have to learn to manage it. Anyway, so this week I have been waiting on the results.
There is a girl in our Sunday School class whose 28 year old cousin has been dying of cancer and we have been praying for her. Earlier this week she died. I knew she had a caring bridge site and so I just go on to look at it and see if they had posted how she died. (they seem to be such a godly family and i was just curious of what happened those last few hours) Well her mom posted about her death and how she (her mom) was able to be there as her daughter went to be with her Father. It was such a great thing and I was crying uncontrollable and those of you who know me know that doesn't happen all to often especially over someone I don't know. So then I go back and read how she was diagnosed with cancer. Her first symptom was HIVES!!!!
I just sat there and stared at the screen for a few minutes.
So then that night John and I watched PS I Love you! I had no idea what the movie was about. The gist is that this woman's amazing husband dies from a brain tumor and he leaves his wife these letters helping her deal with his death. As I said earlier I was completely inconsolable.
So needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night or the ones following. I really don't think that I have cancer or that I have any reason to believe that I may be dying soon but I must say it has really stirred some deep emotions within me.
What a crazy week!

Wanting to long for heaven

So in all of the crazy things that have happened this week God has really stirred my heart. I recently read Stepping Heavenward (absolutely amazing). One part of the book she is on her death bed and she journals about how she longs for God and she is completely at peace with the fact that her husband and children will be taken care of by God. She talks about how she so longs to be with God. Throughout the book she talks about running to talk with God and how she needs time to be with God....she so longs for it and it seems like such a substance for her - like food.
My last few sleepless nights it has gone through my head so much that the thoughts of being with Jesus do not settle my anxious heart but rather causes me more anxiety. I worry about my husband and my children...how they will be cared for and what I will miss. This is what consumes my mind not the glories of being with my Father. Now granted I KNOW that God has not given me the grace to deal with these anxieties because the are not really my lot right now. All of these fears have come from random circumstances that have happened this week to make me anxious about my test results. I really - I mean when I stop letting my mind wander - don't think anything terribly serious is wrong with me. But regardless of what silliness has brought on all of these emotions they are in my face and they need to be dealt with.
- How do I find all my joy in God and what does that look like on a daily basis?
-What needs to happen for me to really long to be with God, to see Him as my great friend on a regular basis, not just in those romantic spurts of life?
-How do I tangibly love God more than John and the boys?
-What has to happen on this earth for me to long to not be here but to really long for my eternal home?
I am such a Martha personality - do, serve, take care of. This is not a bad thing, really it is a great thing because these are the things prov 31 talks so much about. But how do I become like Mary too, who puts those things aside for the sake of time at the feet of her Savior. I don't want to be Mary but I want to know how do you mesh Mary and Martha? To be the woman God has called me to be in caring for my earthly responsibilities but to make the right choice to sit at His feet. I want to long for heaven! Any ideas on how this happens practically as a mom of small kids? I don't want to assume that I will live beyond this stage of life and just think I can do it when the kids get older....

Please Pray

My hives are reappearing!!! I have been having some other things going on this week as well - my lip is swelling, etc. It has made me quite overwhelmed with the thoughts of going through this for another 6 week stint. I have a friend whose husband is a doc and has been talking with me about my symptoms and suggested to me to go see an immunologist. So I am making an appointment this morning. For the last 2 days I have been so anxious because I know something is going on with me but the doctors haven't seemed too interested the last 2 six week stints. My friends hubby put some validity to my symptoms which has settled my heart in an amazing way. Not that he diagnosed me but at least I don't feel like it is just in my head and I am going crazy. Who knows how long it will take to get in with this doctor. Please pray that I can get a quick apt., pray that God will give him the wisdom to really find out what is causing such a major disruption in my life and pray that we can manage it.

On a lighter note, John is taking the boys to see his grandparents for the weekend so mommy is off. Very much needed and perfect timing. Please pray that this time will really be restoring for me and that my hives will stay at bay at least this weekend.

Update

There are so many thoughts in my head i would love to share with you but I don't have the energy to do it this week. Please continue to pray for me that God would heal my body completely. Some days it feels like I am being bitten by fire ants here and there and some days it feels like I am sitting in the ant bed for the whole day. Today is probably the best day I have had in 4 weeks so that is Great!!! Praise the Lord. The boys are really struggling so pray for them as well.
There is so much I am learning during this time but don't have the energy or an ear (I am a verbal thinker) to process it. Thanks again for your prayers!!!

The Rantings of an Itchy Woman!!!

"There is nothing - no circumstance, no trouble, no testing - that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at that moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to HIm and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will ever cause me to fret - for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is! - That is the rest of victory!"

-Alan Redpath

The Lord is so sweet to me. Just yesterday I was reading a friends blog and saw this quote on it. I was encouraged by it but had no idea how the Lord would use it the very next day in my life. I think that before this morning when i read that quote I thought of bigger, harder, more tragic things but that is not true. God said in His word that he would never give me more than i can handle....even a sleepless night, a trip to 2 doctors before 9 am and a 1hour plus trip to wal-mart. But I didn't hear that soft voice of the Holy Spirit until it was all over and I had my breakdown in the parking lot of Wal-mart and was driving home in the first quiet moment I had all morning (I think the boys were unsure what to do or say when they saw me this way and for once decided silence might be their best option...Thanks God)

Ok so to back up and fill in the gaps. Back in the fall i broke out in an obnoxious rash that kept me awake for 4 weeks and lasted for 6 weeks (the last 2 weeks I finally got a medicine that would touch it) We thought it was an allergic reaction to mucinex but oh it wasn't...it came back about 3 weeks ago. I told John i wasn't going to the doctor because all they told me last time was that if it wasn't the medicine reaction they didn't know what it was. Of course, that visit i went in the morning and anyone who has ever had a rash know that the afternoon and evening is worse so the doc didn't see a lot. Anyway, this rash it 100x's worse than the last time so John told me i had to go. I made an apt for 7 am this morning..All they had till next wed. When i get in there the doc says sweetie you are covered in hives. He told me that hives are only caused by something i am putting in my mouth. Anything from shellfish to peanuts to tylenol and until we find out what it is they won't go away. So he gives me a shot to ease the discomfort, a load of meds to take for the next 4 weeks and instructions to find out what is causing it HA!!!! Oh and by the way I slept for 2 hours maybe last night and the rash never settled down for my moments of rest in the morning because i stayed up scrathing it allllll night. So then i leave that doctor and go to Jake's 4 year check up to meet John with the kids. My sweet husband saw the frazzled look on my face and said he would stay and help me with the kids. After this me and the boys head to walmart to get my meds filled. The shot is starting to make me extremely sleepy but has not eased my itching yet. They told me 30 mins and about 1hr 15 min later we were leaving. Brady was crazy beside himself. He would not stop crying in the cart and when i would put him down he would destroy all in sight. I finally walked to the corner of the store and stood there about 15 mins and just let him cry. I felt like i couldn't win either way...you know when your child is out of control and in that moment it feels as though all of walmart has their eyes on you and that whatever way you handle it won't be right in their eyes. Usually this does not bother me when it happens because I told myself a long time ago that it is more important to not compromise consistency with my child for the appeasment of others (whenever possible, i know sometimes exceptions are necessary but they shouldn't be the rule). I finally got my meds and headed to the car Brady crying the entire way. At the car, the boys got into a fight and I broke. I immediately shouted you are both getting spankings when i get home. I strapped Brady in and in that moment the Holy Spirit broke my heart. I went to get Jake from the cart and began to cry pretty hard. I told him he was not getting a spanking and that mommy had spoke in anger and frustration. I ask him to forgive me and told him that mommy didn't feel very good today and that i needed his help today. He was so sweet and so quick to forgive me. It was a precious moment but my crying didn't stop. When we finally started home the quote from above came to my mind. It became so personal. God was not absent from this morning, it was no surprise to him that it happened. He is so much more committed to my character and holiness than he is my comfort. As i thought about the fact that this morning in my life passed through the hands of God first and he saw it good for me, I felt desperate for a moment. I ask the Lord how do i handle this because I feel at the end of my rope...what i heard was so simple. When you are weak, I am strong. It is in my weakness that God creates opportunities for His glory to shine. Had i taken time to stop earlier and ask for help and gained proper perspective this circumstance would not have caused me to fret.

Our purpose on earth is to glorify God always, whatever we are doing. I pray that I will become more sensitive to the Spirit in my life. This morning was a wonderful opportunity to honor God with my life, my words, my actions. I let my emotions take charge, just like my 2 year old and simply missed and opportunity to glorify him. I know and accept God's grace for this morning but i want to be more aware. So often I tell Jake that he needs to make a wise choice...to stop and think. Today I was in need of this same advice.

Well as I said in the title this was a ranting for the most part but even in my sin God was so gracious to show me his heart. He desires for me to experience the rest of victory. Not only that but He was not angry or impatient with my meltdown the way I had been with Brady's. I am so thankful for my Abba Father- daddy that loves me and Brady beyond measure and is commited to helping me learn how to glorify Him in this life. How I long for that to be true of me as I parent my boys.

I know this was long and for those of you who made it through it...Be encouraged. Most have you have had those very same moments or will have one tommorrow. Let this encourage you the way the quote at the top that I read just yesterday encouraged me to stop and think in that moment and see it is from the hand of God and know that he approved it and it is for your good. Stop...Think...and breathe in the rest of His victory......and give your child and extra dose of love in that moment....I wish i had.