Hope Misplaced

Yesterday I had an emotional meltdown.  Sleep deprivation is not helping me to deal with my emotions and they just all errupted. I feel like I can not get my head above water.  And yesterday I really felt like I was suffucating.  Since moving here in September I have had moments of what I felt like was thriving.  I would taste what life looked like thriving rather than surviving.  But for the most part we are still surviving.  The fall was marked by my depression and now we are plagued with sickness.  And to top it off we are learning how to live with John traveling so much.  So we really have no routines established in the house that work well all the time.  I keep thinking that when the sickness passes it will get better.  Last night I was sharing with a good friend that a part of me feels like this is an extension of my depression.  God taught me so much during the worst of that battle and I have begged him to not let me return to some of my old ways.  And I have just felt like Jake's sickness has kept me from "coming out" of my slump.  But last night I couldn't really understand why. 
But this morning God showed me.  A very dear friend is staying with me right now.  She and I are so very similar in personality and this morning we were talking about this.  As I talked God showed me.  My hope is misplaced.  The reality is that I have put my hope in things settling down.  When this happens (fill in the blank) life will settle down and we can thrive as a family.  My hope was/is resting in my circumstance working itself out rather than God and His promised peace that surpasses all understanding. 
I don't know what that looks like practically.  How to rest in God while facing a sick child, sleep deprivation, a filthy home, John's quite too often absences, and the list could go on.  Amy before my depression would try really hard to evoke systems and organization and square things away in order to find rest.  Those are all gifts that God has given me to be used for His glory but my hope can't rest in them because I now know they are broken cisterns that don't hold water.  So now I will ponder....any ideas?

The Little and Big

I don't want to forget.  I want this depression to be lifted but I don't want to forget all that God is doing in my heart as a result of this time.  Along this journey I have ask God to give me  stones of Remembrance so that I don't forget.  And I am asking God to put these stones in my path often.  The Israelites set up stones of remembrance but then they journeyed on their way and left the stones behind and they forgot.  So my prayer is God give me stones and make them show up.  Today, while waiting in carpool I listened to this song and as I thought about it God carried me farther along in this journey we are own and it became a stone for me.  Read they lyrics and then I will tell you why:

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am


Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am


You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am


The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer


When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed

I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End


I Am
Yes, I Am

When I first heard this song I thought it was talking about a parent.  And then as I listened I realized she was talking to God.  But all the things she writes about are things that parents are or should be a part of - protecting us from monsters, kissing boo - boos, walking through our first heartbreak, our wedding day, becoming a new parent and sadly some even the death of a child.  I have always been taught that as parents we have an opportunity to be a model to our children of God as a parent.  Yes, it is tainted but even in kissing little boo-boo's and wiping the tears of a first heart break - these are pictures of God loving us in the simple things. 

But she is singing to her heavenly Father.  She knows that he was there to scare away the monsters and kiss boo-boos and all the other things.  And I begin to think - how often do I let my children stop at me?  Am I planting seeds of understanding in them that their heavenly Father is here in the little things or do I just let it stop with me.  As parents we want to be needed by our children and I don't really think that is sinful.  But what an opportunity to let my children know that God is there in the little and the big now while there little and bigs aren't SO little and big.  Then as adults they know - really know that He is the I AM. 

More and more God is lifting this unnecessary burden from my heart.  The burden that I have thought I had to make my children holy, that I have to do it all right for them to love Jesus.  And He is doing it in such sweet ways.  I am learning this about myself as well.  He is committed to making me Holy and He loves me - really loves me.  I want my kids to know this is true for them to and as I learn to live out this truth in my own life I trust that God will help it to spill over in theirs. 

Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus

I was not going to post this because several of you are sure to freak out and I was sinfully worried about confessing this out loud but this experience is the epitomy of what God is teaching me right now and I want this blog to be a place to encourage you to walk closely with God and to learn with me to trust Him completely.  So read - gasp - be encouraged or skip it all together.
To set the stage I want to briefly tell you a big big thing that I am learning.  There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.  Did you read that.  I think so much of my depression has been fueled by shame and condemnation for bad choices I have made in life.  I feel like a complete failure because I just can't seem to get it (just fill in the blank of it) right.  And in my pit of worthlessness that I have lived in the last few months I have felt more loved and valued that ever before.  I hope that makes sense because I could and will write a whole post about this as I process it more but this will do for now.
Since John is a contractor we have been on Cobra Insurance for the past 18 months.  In September, we applied for Individual Blue Health Insurance knowing we had until Jan 10 to get things squared away to have new insurance.  Well they sent me a letter and told me that I had to loose x amount of weight before they would cover me.  I had already started my diet so I knew I was on my way to losing the weight and I knew I had time to get it done.  All they needed was a fax from my doctor saying that I had lost the weight.  So I met my target weight the second week of December and we sent the fax in.  When John called to confirm they received it we found out that the boys had gone to a review board and they had to get more info from their doctors.  (because of their ocular albinism).  So John has been calling Blue Cross every other week day for 2 weeks checking for updates.  Sunday, at breakfast, John announced that if anybody was going to break an arm today was the day to do it because tomorrow we won't have insurance.  And yesterday he called - still in review. 
This morning at 4 am I awoke in sheer panic.  (Anxiety lives just around the corner from me these days and I have to fight really hard to keep it out of my home/heart) So I spent the next two hours bathing myself in God's word to no avial.  You see when things like this happen these days it feels like someone just took a baseball bat and literally beat me with it.  Shame, condemnation, shoulda, coulda, woulda's flood my mind.  But slowly I am learning that I am never gonna get this life right.  I am never gonna succed at having it together all the time.  But finally, God brought to mind something a sweet friend told me the other day.  The application that day is so different than today but the principle is the same.  He said "our children don't need perfect parents, they need broken ones who continually confess their sin to God and their children." This models our need for Jesus more than anything I can do or say for my children.  The reality is I am gonna fail my children and I need Jesus.  Well this morning, I realzied that Jesus knows I am gonna fail PERIOD.  And I need Him.  And this brought me comfort.  In fact is was HUGE for me.  The reason that there is no condemanation for those that are in Christ Jesus is that Jesus came because we can't get it right.  we are gonna fail.  We should have done it earlier - i should have lost my weight earlier - we should have forsaw this problem - but we didn't and here we are without insurance as a result of it.  Yes I agree with you that this is a big deal but right now I am learning that God is having to do things in my life in a BIG way to get my attention.  So at the end of about 3 hours of complete fear, anxiety, and shame I came before God and humbly prayed "Lord here I am again - in need of your help.  I am full of condemnation that is not from you.  So please calm my anxious heart and heal my unbelief.  Help me learn to trust in you.  Insurance is a wise thing to have but you are our great phycian.  I can not undo what has happened up until this point but will you please provide us with insurance and keep us safe until you do.  Help me trust in you and rest in you." 
Thankfully, I had planned to go see a friend today.  My first time with friends in a long long time.  It was so very encouraging  - a sweet gift from God.  But as I was driving home I could feel the anxiety creeping back in.  So I prayed again and ask God all the same things as above.  John sent me a text almost immediately saying he had just talked with Blue Cross and we were approved and will be covered completely starting Feb 1st. 
And here I am again - humbled by my loving Father.  Today was the day we would find out and that was no surprise to God.  But today, he chose to use this issue to teach me to more deeply trust in Him, depend on Him and fall on my face before Him. 

Yes, ’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

It is Well

I am officially a carpool mom now. Don't I look thrilled!!!


Jake started on Tuesday and did wonderful. His teacher seems so sweet. He loves her. Yesterday (day 2) he told John he wanted to do carpool like the other kids instead of dad walking him in. So John dropped him off. He said Jake looked at him and said "see you after school daddy" and "I love you Brady" - "have a good day" and out the door he went and never looked back. So he is doing really well. His biggest adjustment is the afternoons. He is exhausted when he gets home so it is very touchy around here that time of day right now. Last night he was a little out of his mind so momma took Brady on a date and Jake and dad (who is sick) watched a movie snuggled on the couch. It was good for everyone.


This is not a great picture but Brady was so giddy walking to his school I had to share it. Thankfully we found him an open spot at a preschool literally at the bottom of the hill from our house - about 1 mile from here. He was so excited to start school like his big brother.



We had to leave him crying but his teacher said it lasted for about 1 minute and then he had a blast. We took him to Krystals to celebrate with a Freeze. He kept saying "I am so happy I get to go to school" He sat down in my lap and said "I love my big school momma but I missed you" This kid knows how to melt my heart (among other things :)).

So as my post title alludes - It is well, I am well, we are well. God has been so very gracious to me. More and more as I walk with God I am learning to trust that He gives grace where grace is needed. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words.

Seasons are good!!!

I think it is very sweet of the Lord to create seasons. What a perfect physical representation of our lives. Sometimes when we are in the midst of something we can not see an end. But God promises us that this too shall pass. On rare occasions we don't experience this passing this side of eternity but for most of us the seasons pass, both the good ones and the bad. When I moved back here a dear friend told me that she believes in physical representations of the spiritual things that God is doing in our lives. This move for me was a new start in so many ways. But I can't say that it has been fresh. In fact, it has been quite dark and dreary for me. And I have found myself struggling to have hope. Hope that God has not abandoned me, hope that He did not lie to me when He said this too shall pass, hope that this wretchedness that I feel is not without purpose, hope that He who began a good work in me will carry it out and that one day - this side of heaven or not - I will not feel this dark and dreary weight on my shoulders. And then the season changed.
I know it is not actually winter yet but we have a tradition that the weekend after Thanksgiving every year we decorate for Christmas. When we moved here I told John that I wanted to seasonally decorate. I committed to doing it very frugal but doing it nonetheless. In my last post I said the living room looked bare because I had taken everything down. All of our Fall decor - curtains, paintings, candles, pillows, etc. went away until next year. Tonight I have been making the winter curtains for the living room. I had NO idea how much God would use something as simple as seasonal decorating to minister to my soul like it has tonight. Now when I walk into my living room I see it with fresh eyes. It is not the same old same old. And every time I come down that hall I smile. Sure it is beautiful but I hope you see it is soooo much more than that. It is HOPEFUL!!! It is a simple reminder to me that the seasons change, they pass. So right now I am sitting in my living room enjoying my new look and thanking God that He is a God of hope. I would love for you to come enjoy the new season with me!!! Really!!!

some of you may be wondering how i am making curtains and decorating for Christmas feeling the way I do. I must say that I made a commitment to myself a few months ago to do at least a little of the things that I love even if I don't love doing them right now. In the past, God has used my creativity as an outlet for rest and healing and I wanted to keep this door open even if it was forced for the time. And once again, He has used the simple things in life to minister greatly to my heart. Tonight was exactly why I kept doing it.

True Thanksgiving

I am not a mother who has lost a child. I am not fighting my own battle with cancer wondering if I will get to watch my children grow up. I am not walking along side a spouse or family member fighting for their life against cancer or other sicknesses. I am not a wife whose husband is on the other side of the world fighting to keep our country safe. I am not a widow who is grieving the loss of her best friend all the while raising their 3 and 5 year old children. I have not been sexually abused as a child by a family member. I am not the product of divorced parents. I am not the wife of a man who would rather be elsewhere doing other things. I am not the wife of a man that God has called to labor in a place that is dangerous and our lives can be in danger at any moment. I am not a woman longing to conceive a child of my own, not understanding why God won't let me be a mother. I am not the mother of a sweet 18 month old baby who received a devastating phone call this very week telling her that her child suffers from a terrible syndrome that will completely change the life of that entire family. I am not any of these things. But I know someone who is or has walk through EVERY single one of these things. And in these lives I see AMAZING stories of God showing up. He becomes so real and so tangible in the lives of these people. They inspire me to want to know the God that walks them through these TERRIBLE times in their lives.

This morning on my way to the doctor I was listening to Laura Story's song Make Something Beautiful. Take a minute and read these lyrics:

When I'm at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,
And I'm at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,
When I'm halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,
When I cannot see the ending, Or which road I'm supposed to take,
All i know to do is lift my hands to you..

Chorus:
Take all of my life, all of my life,
All I know to do is lift my hands to You.
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful


Verse 2:
When I'm tired of pretending, and I cant recall my lines,
Do I say, I'm barely breathing., or just say, I'm doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what Your doing with my life
All i know to do is lift my hands to you


I had never heard this song and it ministered to my heart tremendously. But as I thought about how appropriate this song is for my life right now I heard a voice whisper in my head "but your husband didn't fight brain cancer like hers." It was in that moment that this post was born in my head. Because I realized that I, like most of you reading this, have bought into the lie that I should be "thankful" for my life because it could be so much worse. That idea that we should be thankful is not the lie. The reasoning that brings us to the conclusion that we should be thankful is the lie. To look at another person's lot in life and concluded that our could be worse so we should "look on the bright side" is to say to God - "I will be thankful only because it could be worse." But my lot in life is exactly were God has me. And His promises are true to me as well. The circumstances in my life right now are very hard for me. We are all dealing with the consequences of sin - either with tragedy and sickness or weariness and depression. On this earth they are assigned values giving more weight to some over others. But in the eyes of our all knowing, all powerful God who is able to comfort all of the tragedies that I listed above all the while hold his very "sad and weepy" daughter in the palm of his hand there is no difference. Not that grief is more or less - because it is. But that what is going on in my measly lot here on this earth matters to my Daddy. It matters because He is my maker and my creator and He loves me. It matters because He hand selected this life for me and He is using my sin struggles and my heartache and my depression (there I said it) to teach me all these things. He has just as much time to hear my broken heart as He does to heal a child who is dying. And when I realized that today it made me want to RUN RUN RUN to His feet. Living in a world surrounded by people who don't have the time to do anything anymore I came face to face with my Father who has all the time in the world and wants me to sit at His feet or curl up in His lap.
Yes this was a very personal thing God did in my heart today but if you have been reading this for any time you know that I am ok with laying my heart on the table for the world to see. Yes, I have made stupid decisions in my life, I have regrets that I wish I could take back but I am here asking God to take all of my life - all of my life and make something beautiful. And I felt compelled to share this because I know that many of you are like me. Struggling in the midst of a "normal" life and you feel like God doesn't have time or that your struggles are not that important but they matter to your Father. So I am running to my Daddy and asking Him to take out my old and sinful heart and create in me a clean heart. And just as she says in the song
- "I admit there is a yearning for the hurting to subside but not at the risk of missing what you are doing in my life." So join with me and ask God to take your life and make something beautiful. With this mindset and heart I hope you can truly give thanks this week for the life you have.

The Climb

Tuesday, on the Biggest Loser I hear Miley Cyrus's The Climb for the first time and man it resonated deep within me. 55 days ago I took a major step forward in my commitment to health in all areas of my life. That night I told John that I was so afraid. Never in my life have I wanted something so bad - to be healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. All three areas have taken drastic hits in the last few years. But I know that this was God's doing. He is in pursuit of my heart - all of it.
I don't have to be skinny for that to happen nor do I have to be a spiritual "giant" for that to happen. But I have dug for myself broken cistern's that do not hold water and no matter how much I keep pouring in they NEVER get full. And as a result of my trying my heart, my mind and my body are a wreck!!!!
My fear 55 days ago was that it would not happen. That I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't lose my weight, I couldn't deal with the idols of my heart, that I couldn't be happy. And yes I know that I don't have to do it on my own - this was part of my great epiphany this summer. But commitment and discipline and effort were necessary on my part and I was afraid that I could not do it. DEATHLY AFRAID!!!
There is that voice in my head that she talks about in her song. And the last 2 weeks I have hit a really hard "mountain." And in my frustration I told John that just as I got going here I am faced with another setback. But when I heard her song I realized that this will be a life long journey for me. The last 2 weeks have been really hard for me (thyroid issues again) and I have struggled but the "click" in my head has happened. I am moving forward very slowly but I am moving!!! In 55 days I have lost 30 some odd pounds and I am facing the issues of my heart head on. Last night after hearing this song I settled into the fact that it won't be over in a year - not even close. But I am here and I am in it for life.

Amy the Oxymoron

I have struggled of late to continue this blog. There are several reasons, overwhelmed with life the last several months, somewhat singlemomin it gives me little time, and there is so much going on in my heart that I am having a hard time articulating it without lots of babble. John and I have talked several times about this blog. He has really encouraged me to keep it up. One thing I have realized over the last few years is that writing is good for my soul. Up until this point in my life I have had little problems with my life being an open book. John and I aren't really afraid to say we struggle, we mess up, we make stupid decisions and we learn. I want this to be true of our life. Mainly because most of the time it is really easier to live this way. If you aren't afraid of admitting failure (not in the I don't care what people think mentality but the I don't have it all together mentality) then you don't have to try so hard to be this person you think others want you to be. Also, being open and honest about these things makes Jesus more real in my life. Our culture seems to think that being a "good" Christians means putting on this persona when you walk out the door and keeping all your junk behind close doors. Then it becomes a work based salvation and Jesus and His perfect life and death for our imperfections becomes in vain. What I want people to know is that I mess up alot and I am so thankful that Jesus - my Jesus came and lived a life void of mess ups and He allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross for all of my mess ups so that I could be restored to my Daddy forever. I could talk about this for days but there really is more to this process of thinking.
One of the major reasons that I have stopped writing lately is because I feel like an Oxymoron and I am really struggling with being honest about this. Some of the really hard things that God has been revealing in my life this year completely contradicts everything that I wrote above. I have realized a pattern of relating to the people "behind my closed doors" that makes Jesus death be in vain. I have come to realize that it is 100% easier for me to bare my sin on this blog for most of you to read and be encouraged and spurred on by than it is for the people I love the most to see my heart. Most of the people who read this blog are sweet friends of mine that I am so thankful for so don't hear that I don't love you - but you know what I mean :)
I have never really thought of myself as a people pleaser. When it comes to the outside world I am fairly thick skinned and laid back. I don't get my feather ruffled much and I am not easily put out by people, and I don't get my feelings hurt much. But what God has shown me this year (though it has been YEARS in the making) is that I have dug for myself broken cisterns that do not hold water. My worth has been so wrapped up in my mom and John loving me and approving of me. In April, I was talking to one of our mentors and dear friends. As we talked about some of the hard things God was showing me regarding a specific situation he said "Amy do you realize that the root issue is the same with both John and your mom? Your world falls apart when you fear you have failed them and you perceive that they are in some way withholding love from you." This was REVOLUTIONAL to me!!! Because what I have since seen in my life is that my mask are most often needed for those closest to me rather than the outside world. And I have seen that this issue in my life is like an onion with sooooo many tiny layers that have to be pulled back. This has been such a hard realization in my life. I have wanted to write specifically about it but I knew that in order for me to write about the journey I had to overcome the fear of being honest about the fact that I have mask even though I am NOT of fan of mask wearers!!!!
I want to share more about the specifics of what I am learning but I must confess that I am only scratching the surface of this issue. But I know now that my obedience to God has come up against a wall that must fall in order for me to continue toward a deeper intimacy with him. Idols are anything in our life we love more than Him and He is jealous for my whole heart. I can not serve two masters - I want to experience and understand true and complete love and acceptances in Him so that I can be free to love my family.

The Truth

There is so much I want to say. I think most of you knew there was more to this move than John's job. It is true. This is the best decision for his job - to be in a bigger city and close to an airport. But the main reason we are moving back to Bham is me. When we first made the decision I was so afraid of saying something that might hurt the people in Reform. But since we made this decision I have received nothing but love and understanding from them even though they have no idea why. I love those people - our family. But for this time in our life I need to be in a place that fosters healing in my life. I have some very dear heart friends in Birmingham and older women who have invested their lives in me in the past that can help me walk through this very hard time in my life.

This summer the walls came crashing down in my life. The accumulation of the last 6 years of moves and starting over, along with other things, caught up with me in so many ways. Spiritually, emotionally and even physically I feel like I fell apart. God has brought me to a place of brokenness that I have never experienced before. I feel like the last 5 weeks since returning from NY (without John) that God has graciously wrapped a rope around me holding me together. Many times it begins to unwind and the floodgates of emotions take over (if you know me you know I not super emotional). But ever so gently He has pulled me back in - not by any act of mine. I am not sure what God has in store for me in the coming months but this week I met with a dear sweet friend who spoke such truth into my life that I actually begin to believe it. She told me that she believes in the physical representation of the spiritual things that God does in our lives. God used NY to literally bring me to the end of my rope in so so many ways but this move represents all things new. A new start, a new me - "if any one is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come." Sometimes, most times, it takes God years and years - a lifetime - to remove that old and sometimes it is simple and other times it is drastic. For me this is a drastic removal of the old in my life. This "pruning" is very painful but it makes me know that my Daddy loves me and He desires nothing to rival Him for my affection.

Like I said earlier, there is much I want to say but for now this is enough. It is not hard for me to be an open book - I always have been. But for now please just pray for healing in my life. Pray that quickly I feel "settled" in Bham. John and I both are very weary and though we can't say we will never move again we do feel like we will be here for a while. I must confess that this is just as hard for me to believe as it is for some of you. But we have arrived - we are done. Our "adventurous spirit" has been quenched. So life begins outside of survival mode. Please pray that I learn how to live outside of survival mode soon.
Those of you that have called or sent emails - thank you so much. I think as mom's we so struggle asking people for help. But I know that God intends for us as believers to be His hands and feet not only to the lost but to our brothers and sisters. I need my friends right now more than ever - people who love me and people who can love my children when I don't seem to be doing such a good job at that these days.
I believe God allowed events to happen in my life that brought me to this place of brokenness and I believe that He will see me through this - I believe this because His word says so
Psalm 66:10-12
¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
¹¹ You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
¹² You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

Ezekiel 34:26
I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing.

Enough for now....

Say a Prayer for Me

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

I have fears about moving to Reform. And on days like today when I am tired and weary those fears sometimes becoming consuming - as they are today. I heard this quote on a movie this summer and it continues to run throughout my head. My specific fears don't matter that much. But they are real and they concern me but in this time I am choosing to do 2 things:
1. Claim Ps 16:11 and trust that His path is were joy and pleasure and contentment are found - not in a location of my choice.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

2. Standing on the judgement that there is something else more important than my fears. PEOPLE - we want to see God's hand moving in this small town. We long for God to renew a love for Him in His children that are there and start a spark in the hearts of others and release this town from the bondage of rampant drug addiction and Pharisaical thinking. My home will never be on this earth and as hard as it is sometimes to live like that on a daily basis - I want to live like that on a daily basis.

Right now I feel tired and weary and misplaced and lonely. Please pray for me during this time.
Thanks friends

Faith

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Heb 11:1

I want a faith that can move mountains. Often I struggle with this concept. Usually when this struggle happens it is because I have misplaced my faith and put it in an object rather than God. The more I parent the more I feel like I understand faith. What I mean is that I know my children hope for certain things. They hope to get to stay up late, they hope to get to have ice cream for dinner. But most days this does not happen. But I also know that despite momentary disappointment their faith in me as their caretaker does not waiver. They do not see me giving in to their whims - even the ones they hope for. It is because their faith is in me and not in what they want. I hope this makes sense. So as I put the boys down for a nap today, I lay in the bed with Brady for about 15 minutes as he genuinely sobbed because he was sad John had to go back to work. (John is working about 14-15 hours a day right now and they see him about 1 hour total a day - if that). So I took that opportunity to try as best as I could to explain to my 3 year old that God will never leave him and He will always be there to love him and take care of him - even when mommy and daddy can't. I said "daddy can not work from home like he use to right now but we can pray and ask God to give daddy a job that will allow him to work from home again." As soon as I said it I cringed inside. For that brief second I felt like i set my kids up for disappointment because it doesn't look like that will happen soon. But then God reminded me of this verse. The object of my faith is not the expectation of getting what I want. The object of my faith is a God who loves me and my boys more than John ever could. He is a God that wants us to learn to love and depend on Him more than we do John. And He is a God who has the VERY BEST plan for our lives. So I can come before my God, with my children, and ask in faith the equivalent question that I hear from my boys - can i stay up late?. I can ask my Father if He will give daddy a job that lets Him stay at home with us again. And God may say no and we may experience momentary disappointment but we learn to trust deeper in our God and His goodness. So we prayed and we ask and we will see what God does. It has been huge for me because I think in my faithless heart that disappointment may be lurking. But the big picture is I know God loves us and wants the very best for us and even though my heart might be sad - second best is not what I want - for me or them!!!! We shall see.

Why I am Homeschooling

While living in Reform, I had several people question our decision to home school the boys. And I have had a couple friends ask me about our decision - why we are making this choice. John and I have some very specific reasons for why we are making this choice. I must admit this is not the path I EVER saw myself choosing. But once when we made the decision, it made perfect sense for our family. I think there are many reason why people choose to home school their children and most of those reasons are not our reasons. I don't want to spend this post defending our decisions or making those that don't make the same decisions as our family feel ok about their decisions. I think there are very few MAJOR things in God's word that as believers we need to agree on. How to educate our children is NOT one of those major things and I DO NOT think in any way that people who choose a different path or even the same path for different reasons is not glorifying God. So for this post I want to give you my reasons without feeling the need to give credit to the choice of others but do not hear me say this is what is best for your family. This post is a response to several people questions. That being said here are our main reasons:
1. To develop a Christian world view in our children. I want my children to know that all of life is about Jesus. I want them to see the world through that lens. I don't want Him to be something they do here and there but that all of who we are and what we do is for God's glory - even the simple things in life like playing. I want God's word to be their filter for EVERYTHING. This seems to require lots of in the moment training that keeping them at home affords us.
2. They are boys. From what I understand about boys - mine in particular - the public school system is not geared for educating young boys successfully. My boys learn best by doing and not hearing. Hands on learning - with lots of time for outside exploration which cultivates LOTS of learning opportunities. I want to create in them a love for learning so that they will become self learners. I want to help them - while they are young- to take personal initiative for learning so that for the rest of their life they know what and how to learn whatever it is they need to know. This is very specific for each child. Keeping them home allows me to cultivate this love for learning in each specific child - I don't have to fit them into the mold.
3. Social Skills - some of you may read that and laugh because one of the criticisms of homeschooling is that children don't get socialization when they stay at home. I disagree and most people with more than one child will also disagree. Being at home with your siblings is prime real estate for all things social - sharing, considering others above yourself, conflict resolution, true bonding/forging of friendships, dealing with people you don't like - who are different from you. We deal with all of these things on a DAILY basis. And the more children you have the greater this compounds. There are also plenty of outside activities available today to account for other socialization. All that said, I want my children to learn how to biblically relate to others. How God tells us to deal with conflict, to treat others - opposite sex, authority just to name a few. I don't want it to be just about surviving the day. I want to equip them to enter adulthood (really their teenage years) prepared to deal with other people. I also want them to have personal convictions and to know how to respond when those are challenged.
4. We want them to have a love for the lost. We want God to put in them a heart for His kingdom and a desire to labor for a lifetime. Only God can do this and keeping them at home won't make this happen. But what I do know is that children are loosing their innocence a lot earlier now than ever before. (I heard a 5 year old girl call a man sexy the other day) There is so much that I want them to learn and battling this culture and all that it exposes them to at such a young age just makes the process more complicated. One of our mentors told us once that we don't send men into battle until they are trained appropriately. This is also true for our children. That being said - John and I are not planning on keeping our children home all of their school years. I reserve the right to change my mind - and it will probably be on a per child basis. But for now my hearts desire is to spend the younger years preparing them for battle - to send them out to be a light in this world for God. I don't want to protect them from sinners - because we are all sinners. I don't want to keep them from the hurt and anguish of this world. What i do want to do is equip them to love people and to engage a culture that is lost and hurting. If God puts in my boys a new heart - one that desires the things that I pray they will desire - we want them to be equipped to engage people and to be emotionally ready to get messy with people for the sake of the gospel.
5. Each of my boys have very different strengths and abilities and weaknesses. I want to be able to develop these and to choose a path of education that best suits each of them. No one will be as committed to my children as i am - no one has time to develop them as individuals like I do.

So these are our top 5 reasons for keeping the boys at home for now. I am excited about this journey most days. To know that God has entrusted me to with 2 pieces of history in the making. That I have the privilege to entrust the things that God is teaching me in to 2 boys and pray that God will make them faithful men who will one day do the same for others. God can do all of these things in my boys life without me. He can do it even if I sent them to school for 8 hours a day. But I want to be a part of the process. I want to choose to embrace this ministry of motherhood to its fullest. I know that God has called me to this and though I am very excited about this journey I am not stupid. It is very hard and requires a lot. But God tells me in his word to not grow weary in doing good for in time we will reap a harvest. One day I might get to see that harvest in the lives of my children or I may not see it until I see Jesus. But non the less - I want to be a part of what God is doing in the lives of my children. So this is our choice.

Learning Tons

A couple thoughts I have had this week:
1. I have more compassion for moms with small children going to the mission field than ever before. Culture shock is expected but navigating through that time of transition is 100% harder with children that you are constantly responsible for. When I am trying to figure out what I am doing - where i need to be going, etc. I have to keep a constant watchful eye on the boys. There are literally 100's of people around me almost all the time, people that are extremely different from me and each other. Today I there was a Jew in front of me and a Muslim woman behind me. A true melting pot. Most of the service workers here speak minimal English so asking them questions is frustrating for both of us - and it is multiple languages. It is a lot but we are moving through it with tons of grace from God. This has made me think of ways to minister to moms in this type of transition. I mean having a solid team on the field with the capacity to help is great but I have watched friends who have not had that and suffered through the transition. It is a ministry opportunity brewing in my head.
2. I have been so thankful that this is not my home. I don't mean NYC. I mean here - this world.
Hebrews says that by faith Abraham made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents for he was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God. John and I thought that God had called us to settle in Reform, Alabama. And maybe He has - maybe it is timing. Or maybe he had us there for a time to do some major renovations in our heart and then send us out. We don't know. But what I do know is that this experience has taught me to not look for my home here on this earth. To not wait for it to come to fruition. I have to learn to find my home - my place of rest and safety in God himself. He must be the only place my heart is. As I learn this - I will have to - it will be easier to say yes lord we will go. It won't matter that we have 100sq ft each to call our own and it won't matter were it is and how decorated it is. I want my heart to truly scream "this world has nothing for me and this world has everything."

Pics next post I promise

Follow Up to last post.

After reading my last post John ask the question (with all sincerity) - By saying that God did all this to be with me, are we making much of ourselves rather than much of God. We believe that God created us for His glory so I understand completely why He would ask that. This very question is part of the reason why the epiphany that I had today was so profound to me.
See before God created anything He was perfect and complete. To have been lacking in anything would not make Him the God of the Bible. This means He did not need us to be glorified, He did not need us to love Him, He did not need us for any reason. But He is a loving God - abounding in love and He wanted to share this love. He created a people to love because He wanted to. And not only did He create us to love us He put a deep longing within us to be loved - wooed (especially women). This is that hole that we try to fill with so many things. But I think our culture - and the feminist movement has taught us to ignore this longing. In order to be "strong women" we don't need to need from another. This very much is true for men too but it plays out in a little different way. So we tell ourselves that that warm and gooey feeling we experience when we read a good love story (Twilight books for me) or watch a good romantic movie is not achievable in reality and we push it down and/or fill it with other things.
For me today, that longing became a reality because I saw God in a different light. He is perfect and lacking for nothing and yet He reached out through time - orchestrating events in such a way to redeem my life and make me His bride.
This in no way diminishes God's glory - in fact for me it makes it greater. John Piper says that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" What is more satisfying than to know that you are completely loved and adored, cherished and fought for, just the way you are? Finding that satisfaction in Him negates my wanting from others and makes me want to rest in Him, to be with Him and to burst at the seams telling others about Him and this great love.
Paul says that God's love compels him (not his desire to bring God glory). I think that desire is birthed out of being loved by the Father. In Romans Paul affirms us that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Throughout the Scriptures, God's love and compassion and kindness is what leads to repentance. He looks at His people and has compassion on them. He loves us!!!!!
I think that we live in a action world. We are told "get up and do" and this work ethic has tainted our view of God. We feel worthless and unloveable if we aren't doing what we know to do, we don't think people will love us if we don't perform for them. This is the same filter that we see God. Tainted!!!!
We bring NOTHING to the table. We are not needed to advance the gospel (Romans 1 confirms that). We are not needed to love God, to show others the love of God. But God knew that if we truly experienced this life altering love affair that He longs for us to know - that we could not help but share it with the world. We could love others fully because we don't need anything from them because our God shaped hole (that He created for Him to fill) is full and overflowing.
Him loving me and reaching through time and history to redeem me to Himself makes EVERYTHING of Him in my eyes and I hope yours as well.

Just to be with ME!!!!

Below is taken directly from my journal. This is what God showed me today. I want to share it because for me it is profound!!!! When you read it don't see the me as me (Amy). When you read it YOU are me!!!! He feels the same way about you. I hope you are in awe as I am. Oh and listen to Love Song by Third Day on my playlist while you read it:)

I remember before Brady was born wondering how I could love another as much as I loved Jake. But the moment I saw him my heart felt like it would explode with love for him as well. I know I am not capable of loving like God does but today I realized that His heart is completely full of love for me. I am His daughter, His bride, His friend - in all of these things He loves me fully, completely. Reading the Twilight books, I have been wooed to this kind of bold love - forsaking self for the one you love, willing to give your life for that love, to put aside your needs for the one you love. Here on earth this kind of love exist but is tainted by sin and so we never get to experience it in its fullness. But the taste that I have of it - my husband protecting me from those who seek to destroy me with their words, comforting me like no one on this earth can, laughing with me as we walk through this life and this trial, reading about Edward Cullen willing to give his life to protect his love, willing to die when he thinks she is dead - these whet my appetite for this deep love that is not tainted by our sin. Lately I have felt unsatisfied with how the people who love me love me. But this is not about them. All of this wooing is God trying to open my eyes to the reality of that perfect love. It exist and I can experience it everyday. It is somewhat tainted but not by my lover - rather by my sin and my perceptions of Him. This love is there and I can feel it, I can enjoy it, i can delight in it, I can keep it to myself - it is very deep and personal. He is jealous for me and my affection. He wants me to be with him. He wants me to want Him, to delight in Him, to cherish Him, to be with Him - to be with Him. That is what He wants from me. His desire for me is to be with Him - He doesn’t want my service, my labor. He doesn’t want me to tell others about Him, He doesn’t want me to share this love with others. He does not want me to teach others how to experience this love, to have it themselves. He does not want me to teach my children about Him, He doesn’t want me to love my husband with all that I have and give myself to him fully and completely, He does not want me to love my neighbor as myself. He does not want these things of me but He knows that they will happen because you can't keep this kind of love to yourself. Me doing these things are not the desires of His heart!!!! I am the desire of His heart. He wants me to make Him the desire of my heart. He wants me to not get enough of Him. He wants me to read His love letter to ME like I read a good love story. He wants me to see that all that He did was because He loves me. He did it for me. He caused an old woman past her time to have a baby so that he could be with me. He walked on the raging seas so He could be with me. When men insulted Him and attacked Him, he did not retaliate but entrusted Himself to the one who judges justly so that He could be with me. He walked a mountain with a cross on His back, He hung on that cross, He was beaten and spit at so that He could be with me. He changed the hearts of men so that the truth of Him would make it to me so that he could be with me. He allowed the death of saints - to be murdered and burned at the stake - lives he could have saved but lives that wanted to be with Him and wanted me to be with Him. He allowed their deaths so that He could be with me. He did this all for me. There is no price He did not pay to be with me. And that is just what He wants - to be with me. JUST TO BE WITH ME!!!!!

Pray With Us

So today I am in need of your prayers. John thought he had and job and that we were moving to Spokane, WA. Well, he didn't get that job. I really feel caught off gaurd because there were so many things about how this job came about - timing and all - that I was sure that God was doing this. Now we both feel very numb this morning. Of course we are worried about our finances but way more that we are curious to see what God is doing. We know this is more about our relationship with God and Him drawing us to trust Him more.
Please lift us up in your prayers. My mind is too jumbled to write any more than this right now.

Everything in the heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything. Riches and honour come from you alone, and you are the Ruler of all mankind; your hand controls power and might, and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. KING DAVID, 1 CHRONICLES 29:11-12 (LB)

Update

It has been a while since I wrote. I have lots to write about. God is peeling back more layers of my heart exposing some hard things. I have never been a person who has a hard time being transparent. If my sin struggles can in any way encourage another in their walk with the Lord then Praise God!!! I want to share more of this as I wrap my head around it all but for now just a little update on life.
We are the busiest that we have been in years and it is the good kind of busy. Investing in people. More and more we feel that God has strengthened our calling to this area. However, the first of the month, John's contract work slowed drastically. As a result he has been sending out resumes and interviewing for more work. There is a chance that we may have to leave this area for a while. This has really bummed us out. We both have had the conversation with God asking WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Seeing that John was getting more discouraged by the weeks I called in backup. As a wife, there is only so much I can do to not exasperate the situation. He is a man who is struggling with so many things - and one of them is providing for us. He needed another man to step in and encourage. (Ladies I learned this from Love and Respect - great book). So I called JK and he came for the weekend. Most of you know JK - he lead both me and John to the Lord and discipled John for several years. Having him here was wonderful. He helped both of us with perspective which was huge. One of the biggest concepts we got this weekend regarding ministry here is that often in the Bible God calls someone or reveals his will to someone and it does not come to pass for some time. There is Abraham having Issac, Jospeh's dream about his brothers bowing to him, David becoming King. So this potential short term move (basically until the recession picks up) is not so much us hearing God wrong as it is timing. This was huge for us!!!! Please join us in prayer that God would provide John with more work quickly. Pray specifically that it would be a remote job that he could travel to rather than us having to move.
Back to the good stuff. This weekend while JK was here we had a cookout at our house with a few of the couples that we are investing in. It was great. It never ceases to amaze me how my worlds collide. One of the girls went to high school with one of my best friends Nikki Parmer in Athens Alabama. She and her husband went to Calhoun Community College with Brian Steadman and the husband played baseball with him. It was so fun and created even more common ground. I must say that for me specifically finding common ground is really really hard.
We are HEAVY into baseball these days. I must admit I have struggled with a good attitude toward this. Baseball is what people live for in this town. But John coaching has opened tons of doors for relationships here. Last night The Storm (Jake's team) won their first game. It was so fun. It was also the first night at the park that I felt a small sense of belonging. People stuck around and we hung out. I met several other women and was just able to chat. This has been hard for me because John knows everyone. Small town people are tight knit and once you get in it is good but until then it is hard breaking though the weave that is their community.
My cousin's wife ask me about a month ago if I would be willing to lead a Bible Study with her and a few girls. So we met for the first time last week and it was great. These girls are sooo hungry to know God. This is really fun for me and it gives me a chance to opereate in my giftings. I love to teach and discuss the things of God but I would rather you shoot a nail in my foot than chit chat and build relationships starting at the surface level.
The boys are thriving here. I send them out to play for about 1 hour at a time. They love being able to run free, to climb and explore. I am not sure if we will ever be able to "citify" Brady again. We have been potty training and at home he just drops his pants outside to pee whereever he is. Well he seems to think that is ok to do everywhere else. So several times we have had to run and cover him - in a restuarant parking lot, home plate on the baseball field, church parking lot and so on.
So that is a bit of an update. We have never felt that we were doing God's will for our lives so strongly as we do right now. It is not comfortable but it is wonderful. Back in the fall as God begin to show me what he was doing he gave me Ps 16:11. At any time I struggle with being here or wanting to be somewhere else he reminds me that He makes known to me the path of life and that in his presences is fullness of joy and at his right hand are pleasures forevermore. It does not matter where I am. My joy will come from whose I am - this is where my identity and belonging must rest for me to ever find true contentment.
Again please pray for John to find a job. More soon!!!

Lessons from the Fifth Year

If you have not followed this series of reflections on parenting through my first 5 years you may want to start by reading this post . There are also my post on the first year , second year, third year and fourth year if you are interested.
This was a HUGE turning point in my parenting journey. Up till now, I have read tons of books and spent many sleepless nights wondering how to do it better. Little by little God began to show me some key things in my thinking that all come together last summer in a conversation with a very dear friend/mentor who interestingly doesn't have any children (except the countless women that call her their spiritual mother - me included!!!) Below is what I learned this year:

When faced with an opportunity to practice a virtue, he (Brother Lawerence) prayed, “Lord I cannot do this unless Thou enablest me.”
And when he failed, he was quick to acknowledge, “I shall never do otherwise if You leave me to myself; it is You who must hinder my falling and mend what is amist.”
After doing that, Brother Lawrence “gave himself no further uneasiness about it.”

I read this quote in the book "Having a Mary Spirit" and it absolutely nailed me to the wall. Even as I read it again today I feel this inward tug in opposite directions. How could he be so confident in his standing before God to give himself no further uneasiness about his falling? On one hand there is complete freedom in this idea - that apart from God we do no good things. I believe it 100% and give God the glory for all that I am and all that my kids are that is good. On the other hand, however, I can't help but think about all the Scriptures that tell me to train up a child, that no discipline is pleasant at the time but produces a harvest of peace for those who are trained by it, that folly is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of discipline drives it away, fathers teach your children when you sit and lie down, when you walk along the way....you get the picture. We have a responsibility before God to teach and train our children in the way of the Lord. We can not let them go to themselves. So for such a long time I battled this inward struggle (if I am truly honest the battle is still ongoing) of I am not doing enough, I am not being consistent enough, if I slip up the they fail. Last summer a very dear mentor listened as I poured my heart out to her about these very struggles. The boys are good sometimes and terror others. If I could just do this or that better. She stopped me in mid sentence and said "Amy it seems to me that you need to remember that Jesus said "come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." As we talked more she challenged me that I was caring a yoke that was not mine to carry - the burden of making my children holy. I know it sounds prideful but I did not trust God to make my children holy and I felt that if I didn't do enough then they would not love Jesus. So as I continue for months wrestling through this hard pill I had just swallowed, through time in the word and time with godly women I found a balance. I am to pursue holiness both in my own life and in the lives of my children (by teaching them the Word of God and how to apply it to their lives) 100% simply because God tells me to. I do this knowing that God brings holiness to fruition 100%. There is no 50/50. And yes, God can make my children holy without my help (I am living proof of that), but if I don't choose to simply obey Him and pursue holiness then I miss out on the joy of laboring alongside the creator of the world who does not need me, yet chooses to use me in my childrens life. So now when the kids are struggling in a particular area I don't just write it off with an "oh God will make them holy." Instead, I do spend extra time on this area - teaching and training and disciplining but I try hard to spend more time in prayer regarding this area because I know that God is going to make it "click". And when I find myself getting anxious about a struggle in their life or mine I know that I need to come to Jesus because I am weary and burdened and I need to give him my yoke because it is not mine to carry.

“You see, it’s not our job to accomplish God’s will. That responsibility belongs to Him alone. Our job is simply to say yes to whatever specific tasks he puts before us. Then to follow through, one request at a time, with our lives as well as with our mouths: ‘May it be to me as you have said.’ Obeying then simply believing that God will do what He says He will do. Even when it doesn’t make sense.” ~Joanna Weaver (Having a Mary Spirit)

Results of Some Recent Creative Therapy Sessions

You may laugh that I call this creative therapy. But for me it is very much therapy. When life gets overwhelming or I am struggling for whatever reason I need to create. I find great satisfaction in creating. This looks so different at different times and stages of my life. Those of you who frequented our apartment in Birmingham noticed that nothing - NOTHING hung on our walls. Brady was little when we moved in and he cried a lot and I just never found time to furnish it. This house we won't be in for long but I needed it to feel homey. I needed it to be warm and inviting and cheery all at the same time. Because we are trying to live cheaply I did not want to spend money for wall hangings so I just made some. I probably won't carry these with me when we leave but for now they each have a crazy significance to me. They are reminders for me of some very specific things.

My Bham friends who have frequented sips and strokes will recognize this tree. She has used it several times. Never been to sips and strokes but I went to the website and picked this one to make my own. There are several specific reasons:
1. I needed whimsical in my life. Some times I get in a rut with the same ole same ole and I needed something to look at that I might not pick most times in my life. This one is out of character for me and I just needed that.
2. It reminds me that my life is fleeting. Those little bubbles blowing off the tree symbolize my life to me. I want to live my life with purpose for I know I get one shot to leave a legacy.
3. As I look around me I see a lot of darkness and sin. This picture is somewhat contradictory. You wouldn't normally see bright and vibrant things coming from a black (dead) tree. This is my hope for this place that God has drawn our hearts to. That He will trade beauty for ashes and life for death. This picture gives me hope and reminds me not to waste my time on things that don't matter.

Again, I NEVER thought a picture like this would grace my walls. It seems that so much of my life has this thread running through it these days. NEVER THOUGHT!!!! This picture is in my kitchen. It wasn't suppose to turn out like this but it did. My inspiration for this was the header of this blog. It just makes me happy. But of course something in me needed pink in my life since it is FULL of green and blue. So this is how it ended. The verse written on there is one of the promises that I am holding tight to in my life right now... Ps 16:11 "You make known to me the path of life. In your presences there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." It is my daily reminder that nothing and nowhere will make me happy. Only in his presence is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore.


yes I know they are crooked. It is what happens in an old house when the door slams or the draft is stirring. My dad has a shop right down the road from here with a big bright light shining right into my bathroom window. There is a bush outside the window that has no leaves on it right now. At night if you leave the light off in the bathroom you can see the reflections of the empty branches on my blue bathroom wall. I just love looking at it - especially when the wind is blowing. I needed a big piece to go over my couch so I decided to paint these. It is very symbolic of the peacefulness that this home has provided for me. Something very unexpected in this move.
I have more but I need to get to church. John is speaking tonight and I think it might look bad if his wife either didn't show up or was late???

A Prayer for this Recession

The song that you hear today on my blog has been playing lots at our house lately. It is a beautiful prayer. I was reading a friends post about Wood, Hay & Stubble. After I read this post I was listening to this song and decided how perfect this prayer is for our current recession. It is a wonderful perspective and I hope you are encouraged by it today. Here are the words, read each chorus because it is different:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .