Yesterday I had an emotional meltdown. Sleep deprivation is not helping me to deal with my emotions and they just all errupted. I feel like I can not get my head above water. And yesterday I really felt like I was suffucating. Since moving here in September I have had moments of what I felt like was thriving. I would taste what life looked like thriving rather than surviving. But for the most part we are still surviving. The fall was marked by my depression and now we are plagued with sickness. And to top it off we are learning how to live with John traveling so much. So we really have no routines established in the house that work well all the time. I keep thinking that when the sickness passes it will get better. Last night I was sharing with a good friend that a part of me feels like this is an extension of my depression. God taught me so much during the worst of that battle and I have begged him to not let me return to some of my old ways. And I have just felt like Jake's sickness has kept me from "coming out" of my slump. But last night I couldn't really understand why.
But this morning God showed me. A very dear friend is staying with me right now. She and I are so very similar in personality and this morning we were talking about this. As I talked God showed me. My hope is misplaced. The reality is that I have put my hope in things settling down. When this happens (fill in the blank) life will settle down and we can thrive as a family. My hope was/is resting in my circumstance working itself out rather than God and His promised peace that surpasses all understanding.
I don't know what that looks like practically. How to rest in God while facing a sick child, sleep deprivation, a filthy home, John's quite too often absences, and the list could go on. Amy before my depression would try really hard to evoke systems and organization and square things away in order to find rest. Those are all gifts that God has given me to be used for His glory but my hope can't rest in them because I now know they are broken cisterns that don't hold water. So now I will ponder....any ideas?
3 comments:
I've been realizing very keenly lately how much my hope rests in control of my circumstances too (cleaning, schedules, etc.)... and how God mercifully pokes holes in all the things we are putting our water in besides Him... but even though it's good, it's not fun or comfortable. But I don't really have suggestions... just sympathy! I'll let you know if I 'figure out' anything! :) love and miss you guys.
the only idea i have is that that one is a great one (misplaced hope...). so true. and where we all are - in one or many aspects of our lives!
In this land of plenty and independence, It is sad to say, but I see my hope misplaced through distractions and just the struggle of getting rid of my "American mindset", and it is mostly in the little things. The big things are easier for me to see and swallow that God is in control and my trust and hope should be in him. But he says in "ALL THINGS", when things do not go according to plan in the small things. I get uncomfortable, ill, and even depressed or angry. I pray that my growth in Christ pulls me further from this mindset and more into the mindset, "I have Christ, what else could I possibly want?" I love you Amy and your honesty feeds me. Praying all is getting better with you guys.
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