Saturday, June 7, 2008

Why Forgive

God has been so very alive to me this week. He has made His presence known to me in many great but emotional ways. One night this week John and I sat before God and really battled a big decision in our life. It was so encouraging to have a husband that I can do this with. Afterwards we were both emotionally spent and John's response was "I need some liquor and ice cream." So he went and scooped him a bowl of coffee ice cream and poured Kahlua over it and vegged in front of the TV. I was sitting in there with him and started talking to him and he reached down while I was talking, grabbed the remote and turned the TV UP!! This really hurt my feelings (and is very unlike John) so I kind of snickered and said something and headed to the bed room. When he got back there he said I am sorry. In that moment I got so mad because I was hurt and felt like I needed more from him before I could forgive him. In that moment, I felt God whisper in my ear - "you forgive because you have been forgiven....period!"

So I said to my husband "I am so mad that God calls me to forgive you just because you ask me to." I really was so frustrated. So I told him that I forgive him only because I was suppose to - (I am aware that there are some heart issues lacking here :)) So the next day I was mulling over the issue (we were fine by the way it wasn't that big of a deal because it was a freak thing and way out of character for John so I wasn't livid or anything - just a little hurt) and I begin to think about my relationship with God. So often when John and I have disagreements i do want more than forgive me or I am sorry. Often I feel like he needs to "do" to be forgiven. I realized that this also is my view of my relationship with God. I don't accept his love and forgiveness period. I feel that He loves me more and forgives me more if I "do"

I think this was such a paradigm shift for me in understanding how God really loves me. I know that His love and salvation is a gift and nothing more but to really be able to put an emotion to what a sacrifice he has made to love me so. In my heart I felt that I needed to be mad at John so that he would prove to me he was sorry and then he would deserve my forgiveness but God said that is not true. He says to forgive only because I have been forgiven. I love John more than anything on this earth and I always want for our relationship to be "right" but in that moment I struggled to forgive.

Oh what love the father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God and that is what we are!!!! True repentance - I did it, I was wrong, please forgive is completely sufficient for my Father because of Jesus sacrifice. He forgives me when I ask....period. I am overwhelmed with love for my Father.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

Thanks for sharing that, Amy. I can certainly relate...