Sunday, October 25, 2009

Amy the Oxymoron

I have struggled of late to continue this blog. There are several reasons, overwhelmed with life the last several months, somewhat singlemomin it gives me little time, and there is so much going on in my heart that I am having a hard time articulating it without lots of babble. John and I have talked several times about this blog. He has really encouraged me to keep it up. One thing I have realized over the last few years is that writing is good for my soul. Up until this point in my life I have had little problems with my life being an open book. John and I aren't really afraid to say we struggle, we mess up, we make stupid decisions and we learn. I want this to be true of our life. Mainly because most of the time it is really easier to live this way. If you aren't afraid of admitting failure (not in the I don't care what people think mentality but the I don't have it all together mentality) then you don't have to try so hard to be this person you think others want you to be. Also, being open and honest about these things makes Jesus more real in my life. Our culture seems to think that being a "good" Christians means putting on this persona when you walk out the door and keeping all your junk behind close doors. Then it becomes a work based salvation and Jesus and His perfect life and death for our imperfections becomes in vain. What I want people to know is that I mess up alot and I am so thankful that Jesus - my Jesus came and lived a life void of mess ups and He allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross for all of my mess ups so that I could be restored to my Daddy forever. I could talk about this for days but there really is more to this process of thinking.
One of the major reasons that I have stopped writing lately is because I feel like an Oxymoron and I am really struggling with being honest about this. Some of the really hard things that God has been revealing in my life this year completely contradicts everything that I wrote above. I have realized a pattern of relating to the people "behind my closed doors" that makes Jesus death be in vain. I have come to realize that it is 100% easier for me to bare my sin on this blog for most of you to read and be encouraged and spurred on by than it is for the people I love the most to see my heart. Most of the people who read this blog are sweet friends of mine that I am so thankful for so don't hear that I don't love you - but you know what I mean :)
I have never really thought of myself as a people pleaser. When it comes to the outside world I am fairly thick skinned and laid back. I don't get my feather ruffled much and I am not easily put out by people, and I don't get my feelings hurt much. But what God has shown me this year (though it has been YEARS in the making) is that I have dug for myself broken cisterns that do not hold water. My worth has been so wrapped up in my mom and John loving me and approving of me. In April, I was talking to one of our mentors and dear friends. As we talked about some of the hard things God was showing me regarding a specific situation he said "Amy do you realize that the root issue is the same with both John and your mom? Your world falls apart when you fear you have failed them and you perceive that they are in some way withholding love from you." This was REVOLUTIONAL to me!!! Because what I have since seen in my life is that my mask are most often needed for those closest to me rather than the outside world. And I have seen that this issue in my life is like an onion with sooooo many tiny layers that have to be pulled back. This has been such a hard realization in my life. I have wanted to write specifically about it but I knew that in order for me to write about the journey I had to overcome the fear of being honest about the fact that I have mask even though I am NOT of fan of mask wearers!!!!
I want to share more about the specifics of what I am learning but I must confess that I am only scratching the surface of this issue. But I know now that my obedience to God has come up against a wall that must fall in order for me to continue toward a deeper intimacy with him. Idols are anything in our life we love more than Him and He is jealous for my whole heart. I can not serve two masters - I want to experience and understand true and complete love and acceptances in Him so that I can be free to love my family.

1 comment:

Danny and Jennifer White said...

Oh Amy.I can relate so well to what you are saying.I will be in prayer for you.