Thursday, May 15, 2008

Wanting to long for heaven

So in all of the crazy things that have happened this week God has really stirred my heart. I recently read Stepping Heavenward (absolutely amazing). One part of the book she is on her death bed and she journals about how she longs for God and she is completely at peace with the fact that her husband and children will be taken care of by God. She talks about how she so longs to be with God. Throughout the book she talks about running to talk with God and how she needs time to be with God....she so longs for it and it seems like such a substance for her - like food.
My last few sleepless nights it has gone through my head so much that the thoughts of being with Jesus do not settle my anxious heart but rather causes me more anxiety. I worry about my husband and my they will be cared for and what I will miss. This is what consumes my mind not the glories of being with my Father. Now granted I KNOW that God has not given me the grace to deal with these anxieties because the are not really my lot right now. All of these fears have come from random circumstances that have happened this week to make me anxious about my test results. I really - I mean when I stop letting my mind wander - don't think anything terribly serious is wrong with me. But regardless of what silliness has brought on all of these emotions they are in my face and they need to be dealt with.
- How do I find all my joy in God and what does that look like on a daily basis?
-What needs to happen for me to really long to be with God, to see Him as my great friend on a regular basis, not just in those romantic spurts of life?
-How do I tangibly love God more than John and the boys?
-What has to happen on this earth for me to long to not be here but to really long for my eternal home?
I am such a Martha personality - do, serve, take care of. This is not a bad thing, really it is a great thing because these are the things prov 31 talks so much about. But how do I become like Mary too, who puts those things aside for the sake of time at the feet of her Savior. I don't want to be Mary but I want to know how do you mesh Mary and Martha? To be the woman God has called me to be in caring for my earthly responsibilities but to make the right choice to sit at His feet. I want to long for heaven! Any ideas on how this happens practically as a mom of small kids? I don't want to assume that I will live beyond this stage of life and just think I can do it when the kids get older....

1 comment:

Kristin said...

Wow... we have a lot in common... As you know, I tend to have crazy health episodes, too, so I find myself in this place from time to time. I'd love to talk more in depth about it sometime. Until then, I'll pray for your anxious heart...

You're right to know that God hasn't given you the grace to deal with those things yet, because they are not your lot right now. I'll never, ever forget Belinda's words to me when I talked to her about my fears (ranging from worrying that I wasn't being totally surrendered to the Lord because I didn't want to go overseas full-time to worrying that I had a tumor to worrying that God would want me or my children to be martyrs). Really, my name could me "Much Afraid". She said, "You have GOT to take it one day at a time, and live in TRUTH. These fears are NOT TRUTH in your life. He gives you the grace to deal with TRUTH. You are fearing LIES. He hasn't called you to serve in China... You haven't been diagnosed with cancer... Etc."

Anyway, I know this is not exactly where you are this week, but I certainly visit that neighborhood from time to time!

Maybe we can talk sometime soon.