Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A new stage of life

I remember very vividly December 22nd, 2004. We were sitting in our living room in Pensacola. Jake was 101/2 months old. I was sitting on the floor playing with him and John was at the bar in the kitchen. Jake was standing beside me holding on to my shoulder and he wanted his walker that was across the room. Normally, he would fall down on his knees and crawl across the floor and pull back up on his walker. Not this day. This day he let go of my shoulder and walked across the room to his walker. John and I looked at each other and both of our mouths were open wide with disbelief.
I knew that day was coming very soon but for me the knowing did not prepare me for what I would feel in my heart. I wrote the following in his journal that night: "I must admit, as I cheered outwardly, inside my heart sunk and a very large knot filled my throat. As you "toddled" across the floor tonight you walked away from being my baby and passed into the toddler stage. Though I was thrilled at your accomplishment my heart was sad at what we left behind."
Today we entered into another stage and my heart felt the same way. As I begin to climb the hill to take him to his first day of school (5 days a week) that same lump entered my throat. Tears begin to flow down my face though he never saw them. He wanted me to drop him off in the carpool line like the big kids. I told him that today I needed him to take me in and show me that he knew the way to his room so I could be sure he knew what to do when I drop him off tomorrow. He knew what to do and I knew it but today I needed my moment. So we get out of the car and walking up the hill he held my hand. We we approached the school and he saw the big kids he let go of my hand and the knot got bigger. I maintained my composure from here. I followed him into the building, straight to his room and watched him put his bag at his assigned seat. He looked at me to see how I was and in that second I saw a bit of fear and hesitation. I gave him a big smile, hug and kiss and said have a blast today. I will see you in a while. He said have a good day mommy bye. I turned and walked out the door. Once my back was to him the tears started to flow. I cried the whole way home.
He is ready, I am ready and just like his first steps I am completely thrilled on the outside but my heart aches with great sadness today.


7 comments:

Parks Avenue said...

I'm right there with you Amy! They seem to grow up when you blink! Love ya!
-annie

Jena said...

oh Amy- I just started crying for you. I know how hard it was for you but in reality you wouldn't have it any other way. I love you my friend

April Brown said...

What a big day! I know you are excited for him, but my...isn't there a different way? :) We have got to get together!!!

Matt, Carrie and Lucy Allen said...

aww, i got a little teary eyed reading that!
Carrie

alieta said...

When we went to get Lola's backpack, we walked through the most precious baby section, with all the light pink frills you can imagine. I was so drawn to it, and then the harsh reality...we were just walking through it on the way to big girl backpacks. Crying (and praying) with you, girl.

Kari said...

I have just caught up on all of your blogs. I wish I could get into your brain for a little while, take out some of your knowledge, your organizing and the way you think and put it in my brain. I love how you can articulate all of your feelings. I miss not talking to you, but your blog is the next best thing to hanging out with you. Thanks for being yourself. Your life always challenges me, whether it is organizing, running my household, or teaching my children about the Lord. Thank you!

Kristin said...

I was right there with you last Monday. I haven't posted about it yet, but I had a very, very similar experience. It is tough, isn't it?

Loved reading about your bittersweet morning.