Hope Misplaced

Yesterday I had an emotional meltdown.  Sleep deprivation is not helping me to deal with my emotions and they just all errupted. I feel like I can not get my head above water.  And yesterday I really felt like I was suffucating.  Since moving here in September I have had moments of what I felt like was thriving.  I would taste what life looked like thriving rather than surviving.  But for the most part we are still surviving.  The fall was marked by my depression and now we are plagued with sickness.  And to top it off we are learning how to live with John traveling so much.  So we really have no routines established in the house that work well all the time.  I keep thinking that when the sickness passes it will get better.  Last night I was sharing with a good friend that a part of me feels like this is an extension of my depression.  God taught me so much during the worst of that battle and I have begged him to not let me return to some of my old ways.  And I have just felt like Jake's sickness has kept me from "coming out" of my slump.  But last night I couldn't really understand why. 
But this morning God showed me.  A very dear friend is staying with me right now.  She and I are so very similar in personality and this morning we were talking about this.  As I talked God showed me.  My hope is misplaced.  The reality is that I have put my hope in things settling down.  When this happens (fill in the blank) life will settle down and we can thrive as a family.  My hope was/is resting in my circumstance working itself out rather than God and His promised peace that surpasses all understanding. 
I don't know what that looks like practically.  How to rest in God while facing a sick child, sleep deprivation, a filthy home, John's quite too often absences, and the list could go on.  Amy before my depression would try really hard to evoke systems and organization and square things away in order to find rest.  Those are all gifts that God has given me to be used for His glory but my hope can't rest in them because I now know they are broken cisterns that don't hold water.  So now I will ponder....any ideas?

Update and a Funny

Jake seems much better today.  He even told me he thought he could hear a little better.  God is answering our prayers.  I kept him home today to rest and honestly because I am just exhausted as well.  I am not sleeping much right now.
I know many of you are truly praying for us right now and I am so thankful.  Here are a couple for tonight/tomorrow:
1. that tomorrow (returning to school) would not be frustrating for Jake
2. That the other kids won't make fun of him
3. That both he and his teacher will have patience with each other
4. For sleep for me.  It's funny how at times like this I feel my age.  I use to spend multiple nights up late craming for test and one good nap and I was good to go.  But not any more.  Now I just can't seem to catch up and the physical exhaustion doesn't help my emotions.  So just pray for sweet sleep for me tonight.
I am thankful for you and all your encouraging words.

Funny:
yesterday John told Jake that we were going to have to just get him a permanent room at Dr. Logan's office.  Jake said I already have one daddy - it's room 4!!!  Sad I know but funny.

Update on Jake

This morning his doctor said his ears were infected and he sent him on to see the ENT for the hearing loss.  So John graciously carried him.  Here is the rundown:
-His hearing was severely diminished due large amounts of fluid on the ear.  So they sucked out fluid from his ears (both ears are infected) and said that currently his hearing is equivalent to someone pushing their ears closed with their fingers and listening.  so basically mumbling. 
-His doctor this morning prescribed him an antibiotic and the ENT added another medicine as well.  He said that he is fairly certain his hearing will return but it will be a slow process taking 2-3 weeks. 
-He told John that we would just need to talk with his teacher about what to do about his school. He said that he didn't expect Jake to be able to hear much in the classroom unless they are talking directly to him.   And to expect the next couple weeks to be very frustrating for Jake because he really can't hear.

So if you could pray please:
1. For complete healing of his ears with FULL hearing to return
2. Wisdom for me, John and his teacher on what to do in the mean time regarding school.
3. That God would make this recovery speedy - that it would be shorter than expected.  He has already missed a lot of school
4. That God would comfort me through this process.  That he would give me and John and Jake patience with each other. 

Jake

Please pray for Jake this morning.  We are taking him back to the doctor yet again.  When John had the boys on Saturday he begin to notice that Jake would not respond to him when he talked to him.  And Jake started saying I can't hear you or what did you say.  Well this has progressed over the weekend and we basically have to speak into his ear for him to hear us.  He is really frustrated and I am really anxious/weary.  It seems to be worse in the ear that has been infected this week.  We are hoping it is a wax buildup. 
Please pray the doctors can fix whatever it is and pray for Jake not to be frustrated.  He just gets upset because he can't hear the tv or when he knows we are talking to him but he doesn't know what we are saying.  Please pray for me to be patient and not consumed with the minors of life right now....like the fact that my house is a disaster and has been for the last 5 weeks because of sickness and single parenting.  I really have come to a place in my life where I don't have much expectations for a clean house all the time but I do appreciate it to have a bit of order to it and it just doesn't right now.  I just don't want it to bother me and it does.

Thankful Thursday

I have a great friend who started doing thankful Thursday.  She thinks it is cheesy but I love seeing her heart on these post.  So in hopes of spurring you on dear friend I will join in. 

This week I am thankful for my wonderful husband.  The saying absence makes the heart grow fonder has for sure proven true for me over this year.  He is traveling every other week now and I miss him terribly.  And in his absences I have really seen that after all these years we have really meshed as a team - we have become one.  So when he is gone half of me is too.  Through my struggles over the last year he has been a darn close to perfect model of Christ.  He has loved me and served me sacrificially without grumbling or complaining.  He loves my children SO INCREDIBLY well.  He is the best and I love him and am oh so thankful for him.
I am also thankful this week for my friends that blog.  This season of my life has had me at home ALOT.  And I haven't had the energy or courage to spend much time with friends.  And the last few weeks I have been caring for a sick child or being sick myself.  So my link to life has been blogs.  So dear friends, I have kept up with you through your words.  And for that I am thankful.  And along those lines I am thankful that some of my friends have the courage to write cheesy blog post that encourage me and lift my spirits.  So keep them coming dear friends.

Oh and one last HUGE thanks.  When I picked Jake up at school today he grinned from ear to ear when he saw me.  He slept through the night for the first time in 4 days last night.  He said his ear did not hurt all day.  So thanks for your prayers.  It was a good day for him. 

Jake

I had to take Jake back to the doctor on Monday.  He has an outer ear infection that has proven to be quite painful.  I have had to medicate him every 3 hours since Monday.  He went back to school today for the first time since last Monday.  He made it all day.  Brady and I walked up to get him and when he saw me little tears were in his eyes.  He said mommy my ear hurts.  He said it hadn't started hurting till a little bit ago and his teacher told him I would be here soon.  So he is on the couch and probably down for the count.  He was very tired. 
Could you please just pray for God to heal Jake.  5 weeks ago this all started with a bad cold and has included stomach virus, strep throat, mono and an outer ear infection.  It makes me sad to see him feel so bad for so long.  I can not imagine being a momma of a terminally ill child who hurts all the time.  5 weeks is long enough - or so momma thinks. 

I sure hope that one day soon this blog will be more lighthearted and fun again.  It seems that it has been a VERY long time.  My cloud is lifting slowly and steadily for which I am so thankful.  This season, like all others, is passing but not fast enough...do they ever?

The Doctor's Diagnosis

Our real doctor - not doctor Jake did blood work today and Jake has Mono.  I must confess I was relieved to hear it.  This is week 4 that Jake has been sick and completely exhausted all the time.  I was beginning to be anxious and my thoughts went to the worst like Leukemia not mono.  I am not a worrier when it comes to my kids health. But I have started to worry about Jake.  His doc said it will take probably a month or so for him to return to normal.  So we are going to get lots of rest, watch lots of movies, and drink lots and lots over the next few days before sending him back to school. 

Dr. Cook's Diagnosis

Jake is sick again.  Taking him to doctor today to see if he has relapsed with strep.  Yesterday he was really weak and he told me he couldn't walk when he was sick.  He even made himself a walking stick out of tinker toys. (He was serious about it too - don't laugh at the stick - or so I was informed).  At one point mr. drama was laying on the floor wanting me to carry him (yes he is really sick and weak but he is also dramatic so he sucks it for all it's worth :)).  I told him I wasn't as strong as daddy.  And hoping to motivate him to move I played the mean momma card and told him if he was that sick that probably they would have to take his blood at the doctor tomorrow to see what was wrong.  Horrible I know.  So he used his walking stick and managed to get himself up - with lots of grunting and moaning involved.  When I put him to bed last night he told me that he knew why he couldn't walk and that it was not his blood.  I ask him what it was and here is his diagnosis:
When my throat hurts and I don't eat my legs aren't strong anymore.  And the top part of my body is heavier than the bottom part of my body and my legs can't hold it up anymore.  So the top part of my body just pushes me down to the ground and I can't walk. 
I literally bit the insides of my mouth to keep from laughing because this kid was serious.  And to laugh at that moment would have crushed him.  So then he looked at me and said "So dr. Logan doesn't need to check my blood it is just fine" :)
Too funny!!!

I Survived!!!

I literally did questioned if I would survive the last week and half:
-stomach virus for Jake and Brady Wednesday - Friday
-Strep throat for Jake on Friday
-Strep throat for me and Brady starting Saturday night
-Brady has a bad allerigic reaction to his antibiotic on Sunday - face, throat, toungue swell, rash all over - scared me to death
-I have really never been sicker in my life.  My mother in law encouraged me because she said the sickest she had ever been was in 1986 with strep throat.  I seriously think I will be saying that in 20 years about this sickness.  It was terribly painful and I think I had my first taste of menapause.  I told John if that is what it will be like he can keep me until then and shoot me.  I spent 4 hours one afternoon bundled in my bed freezing - I could not get warm.  And the next morning I was standing on my front deck in a tank top and shorts SWEATING and it was 29 degrees outside. 
So needless to say I survived.  After 7 days my throat still hurts and my head is stuffy but I am up and moving and on the mends. 
Thankfully my sweet husband made the call on Friday to stay home this week instead of traveling to NYC.  He will travel the next 2 weeks instead.  So he basically worked 45 hours this week and then did all that I do in a given week - HE IS AMAZING!!!